I have heard a new trail for your show on Radio 2. Let's take a look at what it says...
Voice-Over Lady: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that affect you" : No you don't. Not once since you started on the programme have you ever discussed an issue that affects me enough that I would have cause to listen.
JV: "So what exactly is AV and what are the arguments for and against it?" : Ah, AV, I remember it well. I voted "No" with "Yes" as my second preferred option. Oh, and this was a month ago, and "No" won. The relevance of this is what, exactly?
VOL: "With your views and experiences" : To the best of my knowledge, not once have you ever expressed any of my views or experiences in your programme, despite me emailing you practically every day with precisely that information.
I love this bit....
JV: "And Amanda Broomhall joins us from Swindon. Hi there!"
AB: "Hello!"
JV: "So you're pregnant now with your sixth?"
AB: "That's right"
JV: "Have you ever been caught by a speed camera and got somebody else to take the points for you? Experts are warning that people don't know how to care for their rabbits".
That is a bit disrespectful to her previous five children, but when exactly were you expecting her to have been caught by a speed camera? While giving birth perhaps?
VOL: "Jeremy Vine" : With questions like that, could it be anybody else?
JV: "Just had a development - they have just flown a plane over Scotland through the area with the high ash concentration to show there is no danger from it" : And about time too. Thank goodness, we can all sleep soundly tonight with that news.
VOL: "Weekdays from mid-day" : Aha! This bit is actually true.
Who comes up with this rubbish?
Of course, I could not resist the temptation to do my own version...
VOL: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that might have affected somebody, somewhere in the last 25 years"
JV: "So what exactly is oil-fired central heating and how do you steal your neighbour's oil?"
VOL: "With views and experiences that coincide with Jeremy's and the BBC's but nobody else's"
JV: "And non-entity and former MP George Galloway joins us from somewhere in East London. Hi there!"
GG: "How much are you paying me?"
JV: "Breast milk ice cream, would you eat it?"
GG: "If it was good enough for Saddam Hussein it is good enough for me"
JV: "What is the oldest thing in your freezer? Experts are warning that that this programme is rubbish".
VOL: "Jeremy Vine"
JV: "Just had a development - the I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog has passed 3100 page views"
VOL: "Weekdays from 3am"
Moving on, let's look at today's pointless topics...
1) COUNTER-TERRORISM - The government will spend more money on trying to spot future terrorists in prisons, universities and even the doctor's surgery : Well, I'm not planning to go to prison, or university, and blessed with good health I rarely visit my doctor. However, next time I go there I will keep a good look out for anybody who might be a government spy. Perhaps it was that shady looking bloke in the dark glasses that I saw last time I was there. Or was he just a tourist? I'll ask him if he's still there next time I go. Next...
2) BUS ACCIDENTS - A bus passenger in Birmingham died after falling over when the driver braked sharply. We discuss accidents on buses caused by sudden stops and starts : First with the news again Jeremy! The relevant phrases from the BBC web page you link to are "when it stopped near the junction of Barlow Moor Road and Clyde Road in Didsbury on 18 April" and "... to be treated for serious injuries but developed complications and died on 25 May.". Didsbury? 18th April? 25th May? Tragic though this is, this was ages ago! Well, in news terms anyway. And I thought that Didsbury is in Manchester. No wonder I cannot find any mention of it on the Manchester Evening News web site, although I'll admit I didn't look that hard. I would expect nothing less than a flurry of callers regaling your listeners with such stories as "Well, in 1889, but great-great grandfather was kicked by a horse pulling a bus" and other such nonsense. As I suggested to Vanessa last week, how about discussing accidents in cars caused by sudden stops and starts? Oh yes, that's not newsworthy is it? Next...
3) PRIVATE UNIVERSITY - Top academics are opening a private university in London that will charge students up to £18,000 a year : Not sure why this appears three times on your web page today ... perhaps it is very, very, very important. Only time will tell if their scheme works, so what is there to discuss? Did you know that Lidl charge 49p for a pack of pre-packed beetroot, but Tesco sometimes charge over 60p for a similar item? Horses for courses Jeremy, horses for courses. Next...
Voice-Over Lady: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that affect you" : No you don't. Not once since you started on the programme have you ever discussed an issue that affects me enough that I would have cause to listen.
JV: "So what exactly is AV and what are the arguments for and against it?" : Ah, AV, I remember it well. I voted "No" with "Yes" as my second preferred option. Oh, and this was a month ago, and "No" won. The relevance of this is what, exactly?
VOL: "With your views and experiences" : To the best of my knowledge, not once have you ever expressed any of my views or experiences in your programme, despite me emailing you practically every day with precisely that information.
I love this bit....
JV: "And Amanda Broomhall joins us from Swindon. Hi there!"
AB: "Hello!"
JV: "So you're pregnant now with your sixth?"
AB: "That's right"
JV: "Have you ever been caught by a speed camera and got somebody else to take the points for you? Experts are warning that people don't know how to care for their rabbits".
That is a bit disrespectful to her previous five children, but when exactly were you expecting her to have been caught by a speed camera? While giving birth perhaps?
VOL: "Jeremy Vine" : With questions like that, could it be anybody else?
JV: "Just had a development - they have just flown a plane over Scotland through the area with the high ash concentration to show there is no danger from it" : And about time too. Thank goodness, we can all sleep soundly tonight with that news.
VOL: "Weekdays from mid-day" : Aha! This bit is actually true.
Who comes up with this rubbish?
Of course, I could not resist the temptation to do my own version...
VOL: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that might have affected somebody, somewhere in the last 25 years"
JV: "So what exactly is oil-fired central heating and how do you steal your neighbour's oil?"
VOL: "With views and experiences that coincide with Jeremy's and the BBC's but nobody else's"
JV: "And non-entity and former MP George Galloway joins us from somewhere in East London. Hi there!"
GG: "How much are you paying me?"
JV: "Breast milk ice cream, would you eat it?"
GG: "If it was good enough for Saddam Hussein it is good enough for me"
JV: "What is the oldest thing in your freezer? Experts are warning that that this programme is rubbish".
VOL: "Jeremy Vine"
JV: "Just had a development - the I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog has passed 3100 page views"
VOL: "Weekdays from 3am"
Moving on, let's look at today's pointless topics...
1) COUNTER-TERRORISM - The government will spend more money on trying to spot future terrorists in prisons, universities and even the doctor's surgery : Well, I'm not planning to go to prison, or university, and blessed with good health I rarely visit my doctor. However, next time I go there I will keep a good look out for anybody who might be a government spy. Perhaps it was that shady looking bloke in the dark glasses that I saw last time I was there. Or was he just a tourist? I'll ask him if he's still there next time I go. Next...
2) BUS ACCIDENTS - A bus passenger in Birmingham died after falling over when the driver braked sharply. We discuss accidents on buses caused by sudden stops and starts : First with the news again Jeremy! The relevant phrases from the BBC web page you link to are "when it stopped near the junction of Barlow Moor Road and Clyde Road in Didsbury on 18 April" and "... to be treated for serious injuries but developed complications and died on 25 May.". Didsbury? 18th April? 25th May? Tragic though this is, this was ages ago! Well, in news terms anyway. And I thought that Didsbury is in Manchester. No wonder I cannot find any mention of it on the Manchester Evening News web site, although I'll admit I didn't look that hard. I would expect nothing less than a flurry of callers regaling your listeners with such stories as "Well, in 1889, but great-great grandfather was kicked by a horse pulling a bus" and other such nonsense. As I suggested to Vanessa last week, how about discussing accidents in cars caused by sudden stops and starts? Oh yes, that's not newsworthy is it? Next...
3) PRIVATE UNIVERSITY - Top academics are opening a private university in London that will charge students up to £18,000 a year : Not sure why this appears three times on your web page today ... perhaps it is very, very, very important. Only time will tell if their scheme works, so what is there to discuss? Did you know that Lidl charge 49p for a pack of pre-packed beetroot, but Tesco sometimes charge over 60p for a similar item? Horses for courses Jeremy, horses for courses. Next...
4) CROSS-BORDER GARDENING - And is it right to carry out cross-border gardening if your neighbour's front lawn looks a shambles? : Also appearing three times today, but is this news? The answer to your question is, of course: Yes provided you have your neighbour's permission, otherwise No as it is trespass with the possibilty of criminal damage. So, other than having callers on air claiming "My neighbours garden is infested with Wildebeest", what is there to discuss?
Ahhh... 6 Music, that's better.
1 comment:
The reason Vine finds it necessary to mention the New College so many times is that it being proposed and run by prominent atheists. And of course, Vine is a devout christian. There's nothing like getting one over on those nasty hell-bound atheists, is there?
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