Today's show 24/10/11

So what have the lunchtime Radio 2 audience done so bad that they have to suffer The Abominable Ms Feltz today? I consider that Jeremy and I have a good relationship in that I send him my daily "your programme is utter rubbish" email and he at least has the courtesy to stick his fingers in his ears and go "La La La La", and I respect him for that. Unfortunately that same respect does not exist for you. I really cannot stand you at all.

So, I can sum up today's reason why I won't be listening to your programme in two words: VANESSA FELTZ
Instead, then, I will write my daily criticism of your programme purely for the benefit of my many blog readers and pretend that you don't exist....

1) EU REFERENDUM - A number of Conservative MPs are planning to defy the party leadership and vote today for a referendum on Britain's membership of the EU. With the euro in crisis, is this the ideal time for a public poll or a dangerous distraction? : Neither? Sounds like Cameron is trying to dictate what his MPs should do, and we all know what happens to dictators. Perhaps Galloway will want to be his friend. Next...

2) PARENTS IN PRISON - Do you remember the day when your parent was jailed? : I had to do some checking on this, so I've just spoken to my parents (now both well in to their 80s) and they have confirmed that neither of them have been to prison. That explains why I cannot remember it happening. Next...

3) FAITH IN THE WORLD - As part of Radio 2's Faith in the World week, we discuss white, British women who are converting to Islam : Odd usage of a comma there, but I am still not a woman. Next...

4) WIDE CARS - And as our cars get wider, is that causing problems when you park in the garage or at the supermarket? Find out more from Mail Online : Aaahhh, the Daily Mail ... bless. I have not had that problem. Perhaps parking bays are larger here in North Wales.

So, what else can I tell you today? Well....

For those of you on Twitter I can recommend following @Vine_Watch. This is written by somebody who is forced (presumably in an office or similar) to listen to JV every day, and the contributions from others are great too. His Twitter description is the beautifully written:

Jeremy Vine is the 'Tim-nice-but-Dim' of BBC Radio 2. He is an idiot and so are his callers. Here's some of the utter bollocks spewed out on his show everyday.

And that is exactly what appears. As you know, I don't listen at all but that means I miss such treats as:

Did jeremy vine really just segue a discussion about gadaffi's execution into a dolly parton christian country song called sacrifice? (@TobyPlanas)

Oh dear. JV's chosen Supertramp's 'Give A Little Bit' for his item on human egg donation. Inspired by his sperm donating friend? (@macnovel)

Jeremy Vine "That was Chris Rea. He's still going strong isn't he!" U mean cancer surviving diabetic wth half a colon ChrisRea? wot u think? (@Vine_Watch)

Caller Jeremy Vine Show: "How can I afford to keep the heating on? It's getting to the point we'll have to walk around fully clothed" (@Vine_Watch)

JV's quote of the day, "it's illegal to hit a child in a criminal way" no shit, Sherlock! (@1958penny)

JV says 'repeating untrue rumours only gives them credibility'. What, like on a national radio programme you mean? (@Schmiffy12)

Thanks for the heads-up. Sounds all a bit high-brow for JV. I'm sure he'll drag it down to his level by the end of the show. (@Vine_Watch)

Jeremy Vine says he 'was told' what was inside the covers of Penthouse when he was younger. (@macnovel)

Yes, hes using Sympathetic Voice Number 28 from his Emot-voice-bank for this segment. (@Vine_Watch)

I thought we may escape the stupid, patronising, and childish sound effects today seeing as Jeremy Vine is having a day off... Sadly not. (@Vine_Watch)

There are two people on the Jeremy Vine show arguing about the proper place to put an out of date chicken. You couldn't make it up. (@QunitinForbes)

"Caro Emerald, one of those very talented woman singers" - Patronising comment from Jeremy Vine, ironically during a feminism phone-in. (@Vine_Watch)

Did Jeremy Vine just say "you can google that on a search engine"? (@StuRobson)

"Does your narrow boat have a land line?" the spirit of Jeremy Vine lives on! (@Dickie_Shoulder)

... and so on.

You will remember the character assassination that JV did on Ricky Gervais last week. JV was crowing on Twitter about an article in The Independent over the weekend (http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/janet-street-porter/editoratlarge-seems-well-use-any-word-today-except-a-word-of-kindness-2374647.html) in which he said:

In my mind it begs the question: Why didn't JV do this himself? But we all know the answer to that question: Because he does nothing! As for Mr Gervais, perhaps his true views on disability shine through in this YouTube video that he made for jobability.com: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WH2XmBj0wSU

Apparently Feltz is on all week... oh joy.

The Jeremy Vine Show - still thinking that Twitter is a wonderful thing.