But what did I miss while I was away? Could there have been one topic - just one - that would make me think "Ooooh, I wish I'd been around for that"? I can't be bothered to find the background and web site links to these stories but let's have a quick look anyway...
5th September: Jeremy discusses police wearing their uniforms on their way to work, swapping green fields for jobs and epilepsy, plus Deborah Meaden says that young people today won't do manual labour.
- I'm not a policeman, and fail to understand what the issue was.
- Swapping fields for jobs and epliepsy? I can't help but think there is a comma missing here.
- Meaden is entitled to her opinion, but I didn't need to hear it.
6th September: Jeremy discusses whether prisons are working or not, "the usual rubbish about equal opportunities", the 'Red or Black' winner Nathan Hageman and the man who drove up Snowdon.
- What did Ken Clarke say when you suggested alternatives to prison then? Oh, he wasn't there.
- "The usual rubbish about equal opportunities"...?!?!?! The phrase "usual rubbish" can be applied to most things that you discuss, unfortunately.
- Red or Black? That was on ITV, I think. Anyway, I didn't see it.
- As Snowdon is only a few miles from me I already knew all I needed to about this.
7th September: Jeremy discusses Simon Jenkins' plans for the economy, pot holes, turning down jobs because of childcare costs and the 49 neighbours who went on holiday together.
- Simon Jenkins is a journalist. Why should I listen to anything he says? He doesn't listen to me.
- Really. How interesting..
- We don't have children.
- Good for them, but why is this news?
8th September: Jeremy discusses the Baha Mousa inquiry, fostering children and the Hackney Hero Pauline Pearce, plus Sir Stuart Bell comes on to answer the critics who have dubbed him the laziest MP.
- I am sure that justice will be done.
- So, did you talk about fostering children, cigars, or the council's attitude? Zzzzz....
- Who is the laziest news broadcaster at the BBC? You know, somebody who doesn't do any of his own research and just nicks his stories out of the papers?
9th September: Jeremy discusses a victim using CSI tactics to trap her attacker, Eastern European nurses, memories from 9/11 and a possible energy breakthrough known as Laser Fusion.
- Good for her.
- More hysteria from the Daily Mail.
- Yes, I remember where I was. So what?
- Laser Fusion ... God help your listeners if it is more complicated than oil-fired central heating.
12th September: Jeremy discusses new banking restrictions, talks to David Miliband about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the slaves found in a travellers site and asks do you like a good storm?
- David Miliband? Didn't he used to be somebody important?
- Sounds appalling, but how did YOU help them? Oh, you talked about them. Great.
- Yes, but that is not news.
13th September: Jeremy discusses the kidnapped holiday maker in Kenya, gender dysphoria, seats in the House of Commons and hunting.
- Never been to Kenya, never likely to go, a dangerous place.
- Last time I checked I had a todger, and I am happy with that situation, thanks.
- The green leather ones? And for your information, my nearest town already does not have its own MP.
- Seems to me that the wrong living being was shot, but other than nothing what did your discussion achieve?
14th September: Jeremy discusses compensating children with material things, internet bullying, cancelling European debt and the school in Huddersfield which has banned mirrors in an effort to stop girls wearing make-up.
- We have no children.
- Am I an internet bully? I hope so!
- So what did Geldof and Bono say then? Not enough publicity for them to get involved, I suspect.
15th September: Jeremy discusses sell-by dates, Jonny Marbles who threw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face, marrying a murderer and the jobless figures.
- The only conclusion I can come to is: We're all going to die.
- Why? Does he have a book out?
- I'm not likely to do that.
- I've still got my job, thanks.
16th September: Jeremy discusses the miners trapped in Swansea, the investment banker who has been arrested, the return of caning to schools and the extra 12 minutes in the Danish working day.
- How did your discussion help the miners? Did you call for a ban on coal mining?
- No children!
- How about you working 2 hours less per day to boost Radio 2's listening figures?
19th September: Paddy O'Connell sits in for Jeremy to discuss evicting travellers from Dale Farm and phone lines in prison cells. Plus, Saira Khan tells us about adopting from abroad, and what's your view on period dramas?
- Paddy who?
- And again.
- For f**k's sake!
20th September: Jeremy discusses News International's payout to the Dowler family, submariner Ryan Donovan who's pleaded guilty to murder, Gurkhas taking over Aldershot and the revival of hymns.
- Funny how you only ever discuss NI's involvement with phone hacking, and never any other news organisation's involvement. Bias is alive and well on the JV Show!
- How pointless did this discussion become?
- I've never been to Aldershot. Is it nice?
- Did you sing some?
21st September: Jeremy discusses the British Economy, John Prescott's plans for regional fire control centres, Palestinians and a protester in Irton, Yorkshire.
- "are you praying the government sticks to plan A?" ... I'm not praying for anything, thanks.
- If there were ever two words that would cause me to reach for the Off switch they are "John" and "Prescott". The man is a buffoon.
- You are confusing me with somebody who gives a toss.
- So, did the tree get cut down then? Oh, hang on, that would be a follow-up story and you don't do them.
So, what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Who'd have thought....
So, moving on to today's dose of pointless prattle then...
1) PFI - The rising costs of the private finance initiative are a threat to some English hospitals, according to ministers. Has PFI saved or ruined your hospital? : The important word to me is, of course, "English". Not "Welsh". Next...
2) BUS STABBING - An Australian man who was viciously stabbed for challenging youths who abused a pregnant woman and a pensioner on a bus tells us he would "do it again" : Good for him. Next...