Today's show 31/08/11

<Posting delayed due to problems with blogger.com web site>

I feel that sincere congratulations are in order to you. For the first time (as far as I know) your programme has been mentioned specifically on the Biased BBC web site. You can read it here: http://biased-bbc.blogspot.com/2011/08/gypsies-tramps-and-bbc-producers.html and it all seems fair enough to me. Would you care to comment? Oh... I forgot. You don't accept criticism of your programme - ever - so why should this be any different? And good to see that Twitter have changed the error message displayed when I try to "follow" you to say "Sorry, you can't follow this user (because they're blocking you).". Free speech, who needs it, eh?

Today's issue that affects me: Why does a respected BBC broadcaster who continually tells me to "tell us what you think" continually ignore everything I tell him?

As I type this you just said on Ken's show: "We only cover the news". Jeremy, it is extremely unusual for you to cover four proper news stories in one day, and the incidence of non-news twaddle seems to get greater and greater. He also said something about the Daily Mail ... I shall have to check exactly what he said on iPlayer later. Ken is a star!

1) DISCLOSING PAY - The pay gap between male and female managers has widened. Should everyone in your workplace voluntarily disclose what they earn in the interests of equality? : You are absolutely correct with this one, it is an outrage. My wife earns far more than I do, but then she has a proper job but is not a manager whereas I am the sole trader in my hobby-cum-business. Does that make me a manager? Needless to say, we don't have any secrets so I know what she earns, and she knows what I earn, so I don't think that this item is relevant to us. Next...

2) MARRIAGES CUT SHORT - We discuss young marriages that are cut short by tragedy following Gemma Redmond's funeral tribute to her husband Ian, who was killed by a shark : Tragic, but it happens. I'll let you know if it ever happens to us. Next...

<Goes away for 10 minutes as web site hasn't been updated with last two stories>

3) COACH SUBSIDIES - The government wants to save over seventeen million pounds a year by scrapping a subsidy for coach operators in England that enables the over sixties to enjoy half price travel. Find out more in this Telegraph article : Two phrases of relevance here: "in England" and "over sixties". I don't live in England, and I've still got a few years to go before I get to 60, but knowing that the over-60s are now part of your target audience is interesting. Next...

4) PYLONS - And there are plans to build hundreds of giant pylons across the UK to connect wind farms and nuclear power stations to the national grid. Have you learnt to love pylons? Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Ahhh, the Daily Mail ... bless. Your recent "He's back" jingle said that you have "experts and opinions" on your programme. From the way you were talking to Ken it sounds as though - again - experts will not be featured today. Who needs the facts when you can just make them up, eh? I can look out of my window here and see a pylon in the middle of the adjacent field. Do I love it? No. Do I hate it? No. Am I bothered by it? No. Would I prefer if it were not there? Probably, but I don't lose any sleep over it.

Serious question: Do you think you will EVER talk about anything that affects me?

The Jeremy Vine Show - Missing the point, everyday

Today's show 30/08/11

The Bank Holiday Weekend saw the roads around here packed with cars, but fortunately we managed to avoid most of them by choosing our travelling times carefully. However...

Today's issue that affects me: Why do some drivers on North Wales roads give every impression that they have never driven a car before, ever?

There is no news at all anywhere in the world on a Bank Holiday Monday - apparently - so after a well-deserved day off let's see what inconsequential stories we have today...

1) DALE FARM - The largest traveller site in England is due to be closed down this week but critics claim that the evictions will amount to ethnic cleansing : You described this on Ken's show as "fascinating", although I would beg to differ. I've just checked and Basildon is over 300 miles from where I live, so this is definitely not one of those mythical "issues that affect you" that you erroneously claim to broadcast. Next...

 

2) CHARITY STUNTS - Are charity stunts going wrong too frequently? At least twenty five people had to be rescued after they were swept out to sea at Broadstairs during a charity swim to raise cash for the RNLI : Demonstrating the kind of imbalanced view typical of the BBC, you conveniently forget that there are many charity "stunts" - as you describe them - that go according to plan and raise money for good causes. Perhaps we should all just stay at home and watch daytime TV. Or perhaps not. I've never been involved in anything like this, and I have no plans for that to change, so I'll give it a miss I think. Next...

 

3) PREGNANCY - Were you devastated when your friend told you that she was pregnant? : Yes, years ago. She was devastated too. However, in your trail on Ken's show you made it quite clear that this was not the direction you would be taking, and you also mentioned that it was "aimed at our female listeners". Hmmm... last time I checked I was still male. Next...

4) PATHÉ NEWS FOOTAGE - And we hear some of the highlights of Pathé News footage : You're a bit late. The first two episodes of the BBC TV series "The Story of British Pathé" have already been shown, and I watched them with interest. I can't help thinking that some of the impact of Pathé's work will be lost on the radio though. I'll guess that this is an attempt to boost the viewing figures for the remaining episodes. Or is there really just no news today? I bet the Daily Mail found some old tosh to write about.

 

As a TV quizmaster I was quite surprised to hear on Ken's show that you were unsure if England's highest mountain was "Scafell Peak" or "Scafell Pike". However, you can take comfort in that you are not alone at having a poor knowledge of UK geography. The map shown below was displayed on-screen during the third episode of the BBC4 TV series "Timothy Spall : Back At Sea". For some reason, whoever did the graphic thinks that Bangor, Northern Ireland, is part of the Republic of Ireland as denoted by the tri-colour flag. Just remind me again why I should believe anything the BBC tells me?

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - fascinating in its irrelevance

Today's show 26/08/11

Busy today, so quickly...

Today's issue that affects me: Why do I always get the impression that Ken Bruce treats your programme with complete disdain?

As I do, of course, and for good reason I feel...

1) OBESITY - Around forty per cent of us could be obese in twenty years' time. We speak to someone who says the problem is so serious that we need to stigmatise fat people : You just said on Ken's show "I never believe these predictions" (even though it was published in The Lancet) so why are you discussing it? Hardly the basis for an unbiased discussion, is it? When I used to work on computer systems years ago there was an old saying: Garbage In, Garbage Out. That same prognosis applies equally well to humans as it does to computers. I rarely eat "fast food", and it is many years since I last ate anything that could be construed as being a "ready meal", so hopefully I will be OK and your discussion will not mean anything to me. As for stigmatising fat people, I'd rather be fat than be a newspaper journalist. Next...

2) SCRAP METAL - A disabled six year old has lost his walking frame to a scrap metal thief. Is it now impossible to leave anything metal in the front garden - even for a few moments? : This is a real problem, and one of which I am only too aware. The main part of the problem does not lie with the people who take the metal but with the scrap merchants who will exchange it for cash with no questions asked. Thefts would be reduced if it were made more difficult to get the material in to the scrap metal process, and the easiest way to do that is to make each delivery traceable. There is a government e-petition on this subject (http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/406)

and an interesting article here:
http://www.scrap-ex.com/news_events/news/metal/scrap_dealers_go_cashless_says_minister.html

Something needs to change, but - as usual - you will only talk about it and I feel that I already know enough on this topic. I had dealings with many scrap metal merchants 25 years ago, and I never met one with conscience. Next...

3) COMMUNITY BUSINESSES - The local shop closes. Is the solution people-power? In Your Money and Your Life, we discuss shops and pubs being run by the community : Local shop? If only! There has never been one in our village, and there is not the clientele to support one. There is a house nearby marked "The Old Post Office" but that has been a private residence for at least 30 years. Next...

4) TERRY WALTON - And we catch up with our allotmenteer, Terry Walton - in Madeira : Oh good, our Bank Holiday weekend is complete.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - pointless radio at its most pointless

Today's show 25/08/11

I knew that following your return there would be a new trailer for your show, but I only heard it for the first time yesterday evening. So, let's see what it says...

 

Jeremy Vine: "And good afternoon" - Very kind, good afternoon to you too.

 

Voiceover Lady: "The issues that affect you" - As we have discussed before, they simply do not. Not even close.

 

JV: "We talk about Health & Safety laws. Are they what is causing the health and safety culture, or is it people trying not to be sued?" - Remember the guy in Plymouth with the owl? Remember the Adlington Women's Institute cakes? According to you, both fell foul of "Health and Safety", but when I investigated further it soon became clear that that was not the case. Put it down to misinformation by the media.

 

VL: "Experts and opinions" - Plenty of opinions certainly, but experts are usually thin on the ground. Remember Fukushima? Where was the expert you needed so badly that day? And is Geoge Galloway an expert? I think not. Howver, Martin Lewis definitely is an expert, but such a shame that he could not get a word in edgeways when discussing student loans a few weeks ago.

 

JV: "Has Britain demonised the working class, and in a modern Britain what does that term mean anyway?" - That is not a question I have ever asked myself.

 

VL: "And your views and experiences" - I send you my views and experiences EVERY DAY, but you never use them. And when are you going to allow somebody to say "Rubbish show Jeremy" at the end of their call?

 

Caller: "It is wrong, it is a old-fashioned good shock, and I mean a shock" - Yeah, whatever.

 

VL: "Jeremy Vine" - At least it is not Vanessa Feltz.

 

JV: "Do call us, do email" - I do, every day.

 

VL: "Weekdays from midday" - Time to switch to 6 Music.

 

JV: "Online, on digital and on 88 to 91 FM" - Is there no escape?

 

Today's issue that affects me: How can I shorten the clutch cable on my lawn mower?

 

No doubt there are four good reasons not to listen today, as usual...

 

1) JACQUI SMITH - Jacqui Smith has defended using young prisoners to decorate her house. The charity concerned says it helps to rehabilitate young offenders : Is there no real news today then? You seem to have missed out completely on the Daily Mirror's and The Guardian's involvement in phone hacking. Why is that?

2) GCSE RESULTS - Hundreds of thousands of sixteen year will get their GCSE results today. Are you proud of what your son, or daughter has achieved, even in subjects that aren't necessarily that academic? : We don't have any children, so have no son or daughter to be proud of. But thanks for reminding me. Next...

3) COURT ANONYMITY LIFTED - A court in Worcestershire has lifted the anonymity of a sixteen year old, who went on Facebook and encouraged people to riot. In the event, there was no riot in Worcester and lawyers say that the rest of his life will now be ruined : Good. Next...

4) COLONEL GADDAFI - And finally, is anyone puzzled why we took the side of the rebels, when in 2004, we'd forgiven Colonel Gaddafi for everything he'd done in the past? : I continue to be puzzled by everything that Blair did, but please do not include "me" in "we".

 

Oh, and next time you go away how about getting your brother to stand in for you? I'd listen to that.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - Health and Safety gone mad 

Today's show 24/08/11

Another day, another JV show, another email ... will it ever end?

 

Today's issue that affects me: A lot of people suffer from cold feet in bed, but I experience the opposite - hot feet - and sometimes it can stop me sleeping. Are hot feet a good thing, or a bad thing?

 

So what can you tempt me with today then? It doesn't look good...

 

1) THE LOCKERBIE BOMBER - As Gadaffi's Libya starts to fall apart, does America now have the right to extradite the convicted Lockerbie bomber, Abdel Baset al- Megrahi? : Again, I was expecting you to say on Ken's show "... and on the phone to discuss his release we will have Alec Salmond and Gordon Brown ..." but it never came, as usual. As for your question, I think you'll find that America can do exactly what it likes within international law, and nothing discussed or decided today on your programme will have any influence on what they do. So, the point of this discussion is what, exactly? Next...

2) DOG ATTACK - A mother tells the harrowing story of how a bull mastiff ripped into her little King Charles spaniel in front of her young family's eyes in a park, and then tore into her arm. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Absolutely tragic. I understand the mastiff has been destroyed, and I hope that the owner is prosecuted. It is all to do with taking responsibility for your actions, which seems to be sadly lacking in the UK at the moment. You said that you would spare us the details during your trail on Ken's show, but then went on to give them anyway. On the basis that there will presumably be more detail to come I'll choose not to listen to this. Next...

3) DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN - Charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn are dropped. Does he have the right to have the slate wiped clean? Or is it now impossible for victims of rape to find justice, unless they have a flawless character? : Blimey, do I have that much influence on what you discuss? It was only yesterday that I wrote that you lacked the follow-up story on this one. My point yesterday was regarding your general lack of follow-up information, and not this topic in particular. I have no interest at all in Mr Strauss-Khan's case and insufficient information to form an opinion on what is right or wrong. Anyway, Mark Radcliffe starts his show at 1pm, and he read out an email from me last week. Next...

4) CHEQUES - The cheque has been saved. Do you love them and can't live without them, or are they irrelevant in this modern age? : Most of my customers pay me by cheque, which arrive on my doormat courtesy of Royal Mail. I send them to my bank by post using the posting box about 80 feet from where I am typing this. The nature of my business tends to make most of my customers from an older generation. Some do not have internet access at all, and most choose not to use internet banking for money transfers. So, I love cheques, and I can't live without them. You made it quite clear what your personal view is on this topic (disagreeing with mine) on Ken's show so I predict that any discussion will be biased from the start. I think I'll give it a miss.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - changing nothing, as usual

Today's show 23/08/11

You'll be pleased to know that my washing dried, and it didn't rain. Weather forecasts - pah!

I've struggled to think of an issue that affects me today, so I'll go with this one from a couple of weeks ago...

I recently had a problem with a credit card where the PIN number was not being recognised. The card supplier happily sent me a new PIN with a note telling me that I needed to validate it in an ATM at my nearest branch. I had no idea where that was, so I called them, gave them my postcode and was told "We don't have a branch anywhere near you". And that was all they could tell me. My own investigations subsequently revealed that my nearest branch is 40 miles away in a town that I very rarely visit. I called them back and gave them the choice: Validate my PIN over the phone, or close my account. Their choice was the latter. So...
Today's issue that affects me: Why do some companies forget that not all of their customers live in or near cities and towns?

OK, on to the issues that allegedly affect your listeners...

On 16th May you wasted 30 minutes of prime time radio broadcasting with this story: "IMF CHIEF ACCUSED OF RAPE - The French head of the IMF and socialist candidate for presidency is arrested in New York after allegedly trying to rape a chambermaid. Some in France are asking 'Was he set up?". Interesting that now it is looking extremely likely that the case will be dropped (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-14619921) yet coverage of this has been minimal, and with none at all on your programme. In the minds of your listeners Mr Strauss-Khan will always be "that bloke who raped a chambermaid" and will remain uneducated on his actual status, whetever that turns out to be. Here again Jeremy is a reason why I choose not to listen to your programme. You do not follow up and correct old stories, so if I chose to believe what you tell me (heaven forfend) then my views would be tainted by a lack of the full facts. I would rather not have any opinion than have an incorrect one. What is your view?

So let's look at the half-stories and half-truths you will be discussing today:

1) LIBYA - Gaddafi goes into hiding. What makes a dictator fight it out to the last bullet? : I was waiting for you to say on Ken's show "... and on the phone we will have Colonel Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe, Omar Al-Bashir and Kim Jong-Il ..." but it never came. So, in answer to your question, I have absolutely no idea. So, who could you get to enlighten you? Somebody who has met a dictator or two, somebody who likes telling anybody who will listen what they should be doing and what to think, somebody who likes the sound of his own voice far too much. That'll be George Galloway then. If I were a betting man I would put £100 on him appearing on your show today, but this in itself is a good reason not to listen. Next...

2) MICROFINANCE - How a charity is helping small businesses help themselves in the developing world : Does Wales count as the developing world? Sometimes I think it should, but that is more than made up for the stunning scenery and fantastic way of life we have here. Anyway, good for them, but this is of no interest to me. Next...

3) LIGHTNING STRIKES! - After Richard Branson's mansion goes up in flames, have you suffered a catastrophic lightning strike? : I've been in a trans-Atlantic Jumbo Jet that was struck by lightning and dropped 200 feet like a stone, and I've also been on a train that was struck by lightning and had St Elmo's fire dancing around it. As I am still here to tell the tale I don't think that either occasion could be described as "catastrophic", so the answer to your question is "No". Blame it on global warming. Next...

4) DIFFICULT FRIENDSHIPS - Tell us about the friend you just can't get rid of. They don’t get the hint and they won't (take) no for an answer : The only friends I have are the ones that I have not told to F-Off And Die. What was the problem again?

The Jeremy Vine Show - follow-up stories, who needs them?

Today's show 22/08/11

Has she gone? Oh good! Who's idea was it to get the vile Ms Feltz to stand in for you? She is truly dreadful and well-placed on Radio 2 in the early hours where I don't have to listen to her.

Anyway, let's look on the bright side, so welcome back!

As your programme often claims to discuss the "issues that affect you", meaning me, while you were away I decided to give you an issue that really does affect me each day. Today's is:
Today's issue that affects me: Will I manage to get the washing dry before the forecast rain arrives here later?
Well, it is a Monday, so please cut me some slack.

After the pillorying of David Starkey by all and sundry last week, including vehement attacks by the BBC who staged the interview, it was interesting to read Starkey's own comments over the weekend (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/8711621/UK-riots-Its-not-about-criminality-and-cuts-its-about-culture...-and-this-is-only-the-beginning.html). It would be nice if the BBC in particular gave equal prominence to his justification of the comments he made, but we all know that is never going to happen. After all, when did fair and unbiased reporting ever trouble the BBC in recent years?

And on your menu today we have...

1) LIBYAN REBELS - The rebels are on the verge of toppling Colonel Gaddafi in Libya. Are you proud that the British intervention made this possible? : Am I proud? No. Am I ashamed? No. As usual, I'll go for the middle unpublished option, OK? Next...

2) CARRYING A BABY - An Australian professor says that carrying a baby in a sling, or pushchair facing forward amounts to child cruelty. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : First day back, second item, and the Daily Mail appears again. Yippee! Personally I would probably use a carrier bag, but then we don't have any children. Next...

3) DIVORCE DEAL BREAKERS - Divorce lawyers have said that squabbling over Airmiles and Tesco Club cards are holding up divorces. What was the petty argument that held up your divorce? Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Oooohhh... another one from the Daily Mail. Why don't you EVER use stories from the Daily Express? It is the one title that you never steal... ooops, I mean... you never get inspiration from. I got divorced in 1990. I can't say that it was a painless experience but I don't remember any squabbles as such and it went through fairly easily. Neither of us were collecting Airmiles and probably didn't even know they existed. Tesco Club cards started three years later in 1993 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tesco_Clubcard) so they were not an issue either. I am very happily married now, so this item is - as usual - of no interest or relevance to me. Next...

4) RED ARROWS TRAGEDY - And finally, tragedy hits the Red Arrows. It may be thrilling, but now we really know how dangerous it is as well : Absolutely tragic, of course. However, I suspect that you will sensationalise this in to something that it is not. Sorry Jeremy, but I cannot trust you to get this right and feel sure that you will include the crash as being part of the display. It was not. The crash occurred while the aircraft were travelling back to their operating base at Bournemouth Airport, i.e. the plane was in level flight when the accident occurred. There will, of course, be a full technical enquiry in to the accident and perhaps then we will find out for sure why the aircraft failed and why Flt Lt Egging did not survive. Until the report is published - which I will read - I will be patient in my personal quest for information on this unfortunate accident rather than just submit to the conjecture and speculation currently being peddled by the news media. I would, as usual, not be surprised if the real facts of this incident only get scant mention, and not at all by your programme.

The Jeremy Vine Show - consistent, if nothing else.

Today's show 19/08/11

Even though he is on holiday, Jeremy is still taking the time to update his Twitter page. The man is obssessed with it! I had to laugh at one of his retweets this morning which said:

 

Very clever, and very true. Assuming that "radio programme" can be substituted for "business", let's look at these recent examples from this programme's web page:

19th July: MURDOCH'S AND BROOKS FACE CULTURAL SELECT COMMITTEE
9th June: SANDWICH BOARDS - Finally, as Dominoes Pizza's are attacked for making their staff wear sandwich boards
5th April: MY HUSBAND TRIED TO KILL ME - We talk to Victoria Fabian, who's husband tried to murder her by blowing up her car.
21st March: WERE YOUR PARENT'S STRANGERS TO YOU?

I will leave it up to you and my blog readers to decide how Jeremy's tweet should be interpreted, but you can probably guess my opinion.

 

As I mentioned yesterday, I will try and give an issue that affects me every day from now on. Here is today's:

 

Today's issue that affects me: What are the BBC's plans for television channel BBC4?
Ref: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2011/aug/16/bbc4-expected-to-be-scaled-back and http://savebbc4.co.uk/

 

In your final day of the radio equivalent of dragging finger nails down a blackboard, let's look at what News Entertainment is up for discussion today...

1) DEGREES - With thousands of children desperate to get into university this year, did you regret not going to university and getting a degree? : Degrees were not as important when I left college and started work in 1975, and far less people went to university. My full-time employment lasted for 29 years, with only two employers, so I must have been doing something right. On that basis, the answer to your question has to be "No" and this item is consequently of no interest to me. After all, what could I do about it now? Next...

2) ROAD RAGE AT TRACTORS - A tractor driver is installing a CCTV camera on his tractor to highlight the road rage and abuse he receives on country lanes : Good for him, but I'm not sure who his audience will be or what this will achieve. There are two sides to every story, despite what this programme tries to tell us most days. Living in a rural area I know only too well the problems that slow-moving tractors can cause, and my wife got stuck behind one earlier this morning. Those of us that live here tend to understand that these guys are simply working hard doing a difficult job and our tolerance amounts to nothing more than frustration rather than rage. However, there are also tractor drivers around who are their own worst enemies simply because they fail to acknowledge the queue of traffic behind them and ignore opportunities to pull off the road to allow the queue to overtake. I'll take a chance that your discussion today will degenerate in to the usual slanging match (good radio, eh?) and that I won't learn anything new. Caravans, on the other hand, are a different matter. Next...

3) RIGHT TO DIE - A man in his forties who suffered a terrible stroke and is totally paralysed from the neck downwards wants the right to die in Switzerland. The only trouble is his wife can’t bear the thought of going along with it : Freedom of choice is a wonderful thing. Next...

 

4) SHARK ATTACK - Finally, the wife of the man who died from a shark attack says she is haunted by his cries but was able to comfort him in his last moments : Tragic, but not the kind of thing I want to listen to today, thanks.

 

What? No Celebrity (sic) Big Brother? The Daily Mail is full of it! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2027562/Celebrity-Big-Brother-2011-line-Amy-Childs-Tara-Reid-Kerry-Katona-vie-hottest-star.html

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - putting the apostrophe back in bollock's

Today's show 18/08/11

I'm looking forward to Jeremy's return next week, as it almost certainly mean that Radio 2 will broadcast one of those dreadful "Jeremy Vine is back" jingles. These are great fun to rip apart and I find them extremely amusing as they usually consist of disjointed parts of unconnected phone conversations together with the dubious claim that he will be "discussing the issues that affect you", meaning me, of course. Unfortunately he has not once discussed an issue that affects me since he started on this programme in 2003. Perhaps I could prosecute Radio 2 under the Trades Description Act for making false claims as, after all, I have paid for the service through my TV Licence Tax. Now, there's a thought...

In the meantime, I will attempt to educate you in to what really are the issues that affect me and probably many others too here in The Real World, a place with which you seem to be sadly unfamiliar. Each day I will give you a topic, and each day you will probably ignore it. However, I promise to listen if you do discuss it, provided it is within one week of my suggestion. So, let's make a start with this one:

Today's issue that affects me: Why does it take over a week for a bank to clear a cheque in to my account?

So let's look at today's attempt to bore me to death with the following irrelevancies:

1) A-LEVEL RESULTS - Almost 250,000 young people will today get their A-level results. Is your child desperate to get to university this year to avoid higher fees? : What child is that then? We don't have any. Next...

2) WASPS - A pensioner from Chelmsford has died after being attacked by a swarm of wasps: Tragic, but yesterday about 10 people were killed on Britain's roads, and the same will happen again today, and again tomorrow. But because it happens every day it is not newsworthy, is it? Interesting that the text news page (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-14555483) says "Apparently [the nest] had been prodded and wasps had been disturbed and that is why they attacked the passers-by". Knowing only too well how much this programme like to apportion blame, who are you going to hold responsible? The wasps? Or the person who prodded the nest? Next...

3) UNEMPLOYMENT - Unemployment across the UK is rising. Did you take a job beneath you because you needed the money and wanted to work? : No, but I would if I had to. Next...

4) TOURISM IN BRITAIN - Has the image of Britain (or is it just England?) as a tourist destination been irretrievably ruined because of the riots? : The roads here in Wales are as busy as ever, but where on earth is my crystal ball....?

Is it just coincidence that the subject matter gets worse when you are standing in?

Today's show 17/08/11

I'm very busy today so I shall give your programme the attention it deserves: Not much!

1) ENTERPRISE ZONES - The government has announced a wave of new enterprise zones in England to boost economic growth. Could one transform your town? Did that happen when they were first introduced in the 1980s? : I live in Wales, not England, so how can this have any relevance to me? Next...

 

2) RIOT SENTENCING - Are the authorities being too draconian following the riots? Two men are each given four years in jail for inciting disorder via Facebook without going out on the streets themselves : England-only again, and another vote. I'll have a think about it and text "Yes" or "No" to 88291 when I have decided. Will you be starting a campaign to get them released if the overwhelming opinion of your listeners is "Yes"? I thought not. Next...

 

3) MATT HAMPSON - After 1, a former rugby player who was paralysed from the neck down in a scrum accident tells us what it’s like to live as a tetraplegic. Find out more in this Telegraph article : Having read the Telegraph article, I admire his determination to live his life to the full, but I do not feel any need to switch back to Radio 2 from 6 Music to listen. Next...

4) HERPES - And a man who knowingly gave his girlfriend herpes is jailed for fourteen months. Find out more in this Metro article : Is this another example of being "too draconian", ref. item 2 above? Is this really the best you can do? I fail to see how this will aid my digestion this lunchtime, so I'll give it a miss, thanks.

Today's show 16/08/11

Another day, another four topics that mean absolutely nothing to me. Are you proud of what you do?

1) RAIL FARES INCREASE - Rail commuters are likely to face rises of 8% in their season tickets. Have you been priced off the railway? : I have a choice of two railway stations that I can use to access the national network. One is on the Cambrian Line that runs south along the coast to Machynlleth and then on to Shrewsbury, from where I can catch another train in to England. Journey time to Shrewsbury (i.e. before I catch another train to my ultimate destination) by that route is about 3 hour 40 minutes. Shrewsbury is 70 miles from here, and I can drive there in 1 hour 30 minutes. The other station I can use is Bangor on the North Wales coast, but it is 25 miles away, so a 45 minute drive. From there I can catch a direct train to Birmingham or London (journey time 3hours 15 minutes), so it is not too bad. However, I take the view that once I am in the car and driving I may as well continue to where I want to go to. However, we rarely leave Wales these days and find journeys in to England a real chore and only to be undertaken if absolutely necessary. As for commuting, well mine involves walking from one room in my home to another room. You can probably guess from all this that my answer to your question is "No". Next... (The link for this story on JV's web page was a duplicate of the one for the next story...)

2) TURNING DETECTIVE - A man whose laptop was stolen in the riots uses a device fitted in the machine to trace it. Have you ever turned detective to get your stuff back? : Good for him to have the foresight to fit the tracking device - I'm impressed. However, I have never done any detection of my own. Next...

 

3) GANGS - After 1, we discuss how to stop your child joining a gang. Find out more in this Guardian article : What child is that then? We don't have any, so this is of no interest to me. Next...

 

4) FINDING YOUR FIRST LOVE - And getting back in touch with your first love. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Aaaahhh... the Daily Mail... bless. Why on earth would I want to do that? Remember, it was me that dumped you.

Today's show 15/08/11

Oh God...

You're back.

What on earth have your poor listeners done so wrong that they deserve to be inflicted with five days of your inane ramblings, eh?

And who is it who decides who should stand in for Jeremy when he is away? They need sacking for their inept poor choice.

Needless to say, I won't be listening. Not only because I cannot stand your broadcasting style, but because you have yet again failed to cover anything of interest to me. Allow me to explain...

1) DAVID STARKEY - The historian David Starkey has sparked controversy by claiming ''the whites have become black'' during a discussion on the riots : No surprise that you are discussing this topic, even though it is now three days old. I read an interesting article by James Delingpole yesterday (http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100100911/if-david-starkey-is-racist-then-so-is-everybody/) in which he makes some interesting comments and revelations. He starts his article like this (my emphasis):

Driving back from my holiday in Wales, yesterday, I realised what a lucky escape I’d had. As I exited the hills and finally got my mobile phone reception back, there was an old message from Friday inviting me to appear on that evening’s Newsnight to talk about the riots. So it could have been me that fell into the BBC’s “raaaacist” trap instead of poor old David Starkey. And make no mistake it was a trap. Starkey’s debating opponent was Owen Jones, the BBC’s new pet angry young socialist whose default position is perpetual umbrage and righteous rage on behalf of the poor, working class, oppressed and – since Friday, apparently – black people. It’s a cheap trick but one that goes down very well at the BBC, which is why they have Jones back so often.

And he ends it like this:

To pillory a man for pointing out such a glaringly obvious cultural fact just because he’s white and Right-wing would have been quite wrong even before the riots. Post riots it is positively obscene. Not just obscene, in fact, but dangerous. Of course, we expect the BBC not to get it. Like the Guardian – and the Labour party – the BBC created the culture that led to these riots, so it’s hardly surprising if it carries on playing the old PC game like the 80s and 90s never went away.

In between he makes some interesting comments, to which I may or may not subscribe, but it is the BBC's handling of this that interests me the most, and in particular the allegation of a trap. Having watched the interview I concur with his view of the BBC's treatment of Starkey, and it comes as no surprise to me that you are continuing to fan the dying embers of this one. Next...

2) UNEXPLODED SECOND WORLD WAR BOMBS - Has an unexploded bomb from the Second World War ever been unearthed in your neighbourhood? : Having just done a little research, I am pleased to tell you that North Wales survived virtually unscathed from WW2 bombing attacks. This means that the answer to your question is "No". Who comes up with this stuff? Hardly "target audience" material, is it? Next...

3) COUNCIL HOUSE EVICTIONS FOR RIOTERS - Should rioters be evicted from council houses? : Oooohhh, a vote. I shall text my answer (presumably "Yes" or "No") to 88291 immediately. Is the result binding on local authorities? Will your discussion change ANYTHING at all? Is it just a waste of time? Would I lose the will to live? Next...

4) GAMBLING TAX ON SEAFRONT ARCADES - And amusement arcades warn that they could go out of business as the result of a new tax. Find out more in this Southend Standard article : The Southend Standard ... a beating heart on the Essex coast, but it must have a miniscule circulation as I cannot find any figures for it at all. We had a story from the Harwich & Manningtree Standard last week, and now this one. Has one of your team moved to rural Essex? Interesting that you have made this specific to "seafront arcades" when, in fact, the new tax applies to all arcades regardless of their location, but then this programme is not usually troubled by facts so why should today be any different? I've never been to Southend but I do live only a few miles from the sea. I am not aware of any of the seaside towns around here having arcades anywhere near the seafront, so how can this story possibly have any relevance to me? Oh, and I've never met a poor arcade owner. Have you?

Now, get off my radio!

Today's show 12/08/11

Good to see that the hand that feeds your programme - The Daily Mail - has decided to give the BBC a well-deserved slap: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2024804/English-riots-BBC-wants-avoid-offending-Scots-Welsh-Northern-Irish.html. This was, of course, exactly the point that I made yesterday.

 

Anyway, another Friday is here, and you have another four stories that mean nothing to me at all...

1) US-STYLE POLICING - David Cameron's new adviser on gang crime is an American "supercop" who slashed crime in New York and Los Angeles. Would Britain benefit from US-style policing? : Odd that the BBC news page you link to makes no reference to "US-style policing", whatever that means. Harley-Davidsons to become standard issue, perhaps? Cameron is right to take advice from whoever has expertise in this area and who can make constructive suggestions on how to improve UK policing. However, that does not mean that "US-style policing" is even being considered, except by you. Next...

2) BLIND WOMAN DENIED CAFÉ SERVICE - A blind woman is told that her guide dog isn’t welcome in a café because it would deter other customers. Find out more in this Harwich And Manningtree Standard article : Aaahhh... The Harwich & Manningtree Standard... bless. With a weekly readership of around 6000 (http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/story.asp?storycode=44209 - 2009 figues, probably less by now) it is hardly the beating heart of the news media, yet you have chosen to feature a story from it. I've never been to Manningtree, fortunately I am not blind, and I don't drink coffee, but should any of those situations change then I will do my best to remember this day. I promise. Next...

3) MEMORY - After 1, how to train your brain - a special on memory : Who are you? And why are you on Radio 2? Luckily, I manage to remember to write my I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog every day, and to tune away from Radio 2 at 12. Next...

4) RED DIESEL - And we report on the growing theft of red diesel : I don't have any red diesel to steal, but at your suggestion I might go and steal some this weekend. I take it that this item will be like Jeremy's coverage of thefts from oil-fired central heating systems, in that you will provide information on how to locate tanks and vehicles containing red diesel, what equipment is needed to steal it, when is the best time to commit the crime, and what to do with the red diesel once you have it. I might listen to this on iPlayer later, just so I can submit another complaint.

The Jeremy Vine Show - helping criminals nationwide

Oh God ... Feltz on Monday. I'm starting to feel sick already.

Today's show 11/08/11

Another day, another set of stories irrelevant to me. When will you discuss an issue that affects me, rather than the issues that YOU THINK affect me? You only have to ask and I will willingly tell you what they are, but they are certainly not any of these...

1) RIOTS SENTENCING - What is the right punishment for a rioter or a looter? : Oooohhh, a vote. I'll go for walking the plank, and I shall text my vote to 88291. From what I have heard on the BBC news (so it must be true ... I think) justice appears to be rapidly taking its course. I would expect nothing more than your callers to advocate all forms of punishment ranging from death by chocolate through to Monty Python's comfy chair. One thing I do know is that whatever you decide today will not make the blindest bit of difference to what actually happens in The Real World where I live, as usual. Next...

2) MISLEADING LABELLING - Have you been seduced by a 'buy-one-get-one-free' deal and regretted it? : No. I've just listened to your trail on Zoe's show, and I still don't understand what you are planning to discuss, and to be honest I cannot be bothered enough to listen and satisfy my non-existent curiosity. Next...

3) SICK BRITAIN? - Are the riots evidence of sick Britain or is this idea unpatriotic? Find out more in this Telegraph article : Can I just remind you that the recent riots have only occurred in England? Yes, England. Not Scotland, or Northern Ireland, or here in Wales. As for a sick Britain, it has been like that for a long, long time. The BBC and some other sections of The Meedja would not have it any other way. Next...

4) BUS ROUTES SCRAPPED - If your bus service has been axed as a result of spending cuts, what are the alternatives? We offer some help to a stranded passenger. Find out more in this Telegraph article : The third paragraph reads: The MPs said that 70 per cent of councils have cut funding for bus services, with rural areas hit worst. I live in a very rural area, so I have just checked to see what the situation is around here. In 2009 cuts were proposed cut to a summer park-and-ride service for walkers in deepest Snowdonia, but more money was found and the service lives on to this day. Other than that I cannot find details of any cuts to bus services in Gwynedd. Perhaps we are just lucky here in this lovely corner of Wales, and this makes this item irrelevant to me.

Perhaps you can do better tomorrow. Or perhaps not. I guess it depends on whether you WANT to do better.

Have you booked Clarkson to stand in next week yet? Or are your listeners still going to have to suffer Ms Feltz?

Today's show 10/08/11

Ah, you're back for another two hours of discussion that will probably mean absolutely nothing to me. Jeremy will be proud of you, because he has managed to do the same every day since 2003.

So, what have I got to look forward to missing today then? Let's see...

1) RIOTS - As the rioting spreads from London to other cities, is it time to reclaim the streets: clean up, go on patrol and make sure local businesses are patronised once more : Well, yes, I guess it is. If I lived a bit nearer to a problem area I would probably join in, but my nearest Riot Hot Spot is Liverpool, and that is nearly 100 miles away from here. Good to see the BBC - finally - picking up on the more positive side of these events. What kept you? The "go on patrol" part of your description is interesting, I guess you mean some kind of vigilante movement. Have you noticed that sales of baseball bats on Amazon have gone up by several thousand percent this week? No, I thought not. And, as I write this, sales of a telescopic "night stick" are up 18695%. You can see it all here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/movers-and-shakers/sports/ref=zg_bs_tab. It is easy to guess where all these items are going, and the Daily Telegraph makes it quite clear (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/8691353/Riots-a-Tory-PM-must-always-deliver-peace-and-order.html) by saying: The heroes of recent days for many are the Turkish shopkeepers patrolling Green Lanes, Hackney, with baseball bats to protect their businesses (and being threatened with arrest for doing so). Something needs to be done, not to stop them carrying the bats but to stop them from being threatened with arrest. But that is probably a bit too anti-libertarian for the BBC though, so I feel no need to listen today. Next...

2) RUBBERNECKERS - We also discuss rubberneckers: those who go out to watch the looters for the fun of it : Other than promoting this dubious activity, the point of this is what, exactly? Do you think that devoting 30 minutes of prime time Radio 2 to these idiots is a good use of my Licence Tax? I don't, so I won't be listening to this either. Next...

3) COMA - We speak to a girl who came round from a coma who was thought to only have twenty four hours to live. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : The Daily Mail returns ... where would this programme be without it? Thank goodness she was in a hospital that allowed a Christian baptism to take place. Unfortunately, I have read all I need to know about this story from the online Daily Mail page, and as I have no need for any further information I have no need to listen today. Next...

4) TEETOTALISM - Paddy discusses the rise of teetotalism : Other than a few sips, I have never drunk alcohol as I just don't like the taste. In your trail on Zoe's show you said specifically that you were only interested in hearing from people who have stopped drinking, and not from those who have never drunk for whatever reason - like myself. Feeling completely disenfranchised by this, I feel compelled to find alternative listening entertainment today.

Four irrelevant topics out of four then. As I said earler: Jeremy will be proud of you! I'll send him a Twitter message just so he knows that you are keeping up his good work.

The Jeremy Vine Show - specialising in minority audiences.

Today's show 09/08/11

Busy today, so briefly...

I'll cover the first three (of five!) stories together today...

1) VIOLENT DISORDER - As violent disorder spread across London and other parts of the UK, we ask: Why are our cities on fire and our youth engaged in civil disorder?
2) FIGHTING THE RIOTERS - It’s said that we’re a nation of shop keepers and it’s small shops and businesses which have been burned and looted. But now a group of shop owners are saying they will not be defeated. Find out more in this video from the Guardian.
3) ARMY - The leader of Croydon Council has called for the army to be brought in

I was perhaps a little dismissive of the riots yesterday, but fortunately I am far enough away to not be directly affected by what is going on. However, we have two family members living in north London, and we are anxious for their safety. My thoughts go out to everybody who has been hurt, made homeless or lost property. Action obviously needs to be taken, not just by the police but by the residents of these areas. Somebody must know who the rioters are. I know what I would do but, and like you, I have no influence on what happens.

It is good to see that item 2 uses the word "rioters". The BBC has been rightly criticised for referring to the participants as "protesters" yet it was not made clear what they were protesting about. The Daily Telegraph covers this here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/8690267/London-riots-BBC-criticised-for-branding-thugs-as-protesters.html. Is this the BBC's own version of political correctness gone mad? Next...

4) BURIED ALIVE - A 15 year old girl is buried alive on the beach after digging a tunnel in the sand : Good to read that she survived. Banning the digging of holes on sandy beaches is surely the only answer. Or maybe not. Next...

5) NANCY WAKE - Resistance fighter Nancy Wake dies at the age of 98. She fought the Nazis with her bare hands. Was your granny a war hero? : Sorry, but no. They were both heroines.

Complaint response 03/08/11

Thanks for emailing us about the web updates for the Jeremy Vine show. We always aim to get the updates live online as soon as we have confirmation of the stories and the guests who will feature. The show is a news programme so details can change up to the last minute as the agenda changes, guests sometimes drop out or there maybe technical difficulties with getting guests to remote studios. 

 

The information was indeed published later than usual on the day you mention. We apologise for this. This was because whilst we had all the information we needed we then had some technical errors in our web publishing system that meant that the pages were not being published correctly.

 

It is worth mentioning that Jeremy Vine always talks about what is coming up on his show at 1130 when he talks to Ken Bruce or Zoe Ball in the show before - this is probably the most up to moment information you can get on the status of the show, the stories that will be covered and the guests that will feature.

 

I can't really comment on the Twitter issue - the account is Jeremy Vine's personal account and is not an official BBC Twitter account. Whilst Twitter is a very interesting social media platform we don't generally use it as a sole or priority means of informing the audience of information 'coming up' on the network.

 

Many thanks for taking the trouble to email us.

 

Pxxxx Mxxxxxxx on behalf of Radio 2 Interactive

Today's show 08/08/11

Aaaahhh... the mysterious and anonymous Mr O'Connell returns. Was my suggestion to have Jeremy Clarkson stand in for JV dismissed then? If it was then that is a shame as it would have made great and very listenable radio!

You'll remember me. I'm the guy who runs the "I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show" blog (which passed 6000 page views over the weekend) and emails the programme every day to illustrate the utter futility, irrelevance and pointlessness of what is broadcast. You can take it as read that I won't be listening at 12 o'clock, but please allow me to explain why...

1) RIOTS - Following more violent disorder in London last night, were you caught up in the riots? : In answer to your question: No, I wasn't. It is about 250 miles from where I live in North Wales to that there London. What happens in your country's capital city is of no relevance and of only passing interest to me. And the reason is simple: I have listened to and watched the BBC reporting of these events, and have noted the bias contained therein. If I didn't know better it would seem to me that the BBC think that sainthood is the only appropriate treatment for the "young man" tragically killed while - if I understand this correctly - he was allegedly trying to murder a Police Officer. You'll be blaming Thatcher, I suppose. Next...

2) MATHS - Carol Vorderman wants everyone to learn maths up to age 18. If you’ve forgotten everything you ever learned, we give you a lesson in percentages, long division and fractions: Admirable, but I was lucky enough to get a good O-level maths grade at school, and went on to study at A-level too. After leaving full-time education I then worked in the computer industry as an analyst programmer for 30 years. I still use maths every day in the job I do now. So thanks for the offer of a lesson, but I really feel that I don't need it. Next...

3) DOUBLE-DIP RECESSION - With the financial markets in turmoil, in the real world of jobs and businesses, will your town survive a double-dip recession? Redcar today is advertising 1000 steel jobs : My nearest town has a population of under 1900 people and was founded early in the 11th century. I'm pretty sure it has survived worse things than double-dip recessions in that time. But thanks for asking. And good to see "the real world" reference - a first for the Jeremy Vine show! Next...

4) POLAR BEAR ATTACK - How well prepared were the Brits that were attacked by a polar bear? : A tragic death, but in answer to your question: I don't know, I wasn't there, were you? If not, why don't you ask them? Cue opportunity for the BBC to broadcast their usual man made global warming hysteria, with perhaps an appearance from George "we're all going to die" Monbiot. I don't need to hear that, and I'll get somebody to tell you if I ever get attacked by a polar bear. OK?

So, no story from the Daily Mail today then? Tsk... one day in and JV's standards are already slipping.

Today's show 05/08/11

Bloomin' heck ... your web page was updated today before 11am. You see, it really isn't difficult, is it?

There are a few things that I need to mention before we look at your programme today, which - I have to say - looks pretty dire. But never mind, there is always 6 Music.

First is Twitter. I found out last night that if I look at your feed while I am not logged in to Twitter then I can see a lot more (i.e. whole conversations) than if I am logged in. So, I will now only login when I want to leave a comment, and then logout again. Sorted!

Second is Steve Wright. The Daily Mirror did a bit of hatchet job on him yesterday (http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/08/04/steve-wright-the-enigma-inside-the-weird-lonely-world-of-radio-2-legend-115875-23317894/) which was then followed today by another article in the BBC's favourite paper The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2011/aug/04/steve-wright-tabloid-feeding-frenzy). Under the faux subtitle "Why is the Daily Mirror so unhealthily obsessed by the mundane details of Radio 2 DJ Steve Wright's diet and 'bizarre' life?" all this article does is re-print the Mirror article virtually verbatim. You mentioned the Mirror article on Twitter yesterday ("By the way, story about my pal Steve Wright in today's #Mirror is hatchet job on a very kind & considerate colleague, who is a radio ledge!") yet, and oddly, you make no mention of The Guardian's article today. I know that the bond between BBC and Guardian is strong, but didn't realise that meant you could not criticise them. Double standards Jeremy, double standards!

Third is e-petitions. I took a look earlier at how the capital punishment petitions were doing. They are loads of them, and both "for" and "against", and with none of them showing anywhere near the required 100,000 signatures. However, there were some other interesting ones that caught my eye:
 - Add "None of the above" to election ballot papers

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/620)

 - Reject wrongly spelled e-petitions (although I think that should be "wrongly spelt"..!)

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/3519)
 - Don't listen to idiots signing e-petitions

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/2843)
 - Don't waste parliamentary time debating e-petitions

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/1776)
 - Free the man who pied Murdoch (even though he was only jailed for 6 weeks and the e-petition runs for a year ... some people just don't get it, do they?)

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/940)
And my absolute favourite:
 - BBC bias (I signed this one!)

(http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/265) 

OK... on to today's programme, which won't take long...

1) WORLD FINANCES - Fear stalks the world's stock markets because of Europe's debt and a weak US economy. Is it time to get all the bad news out now and allow countries to default -rather than apply the sticking plaster of more bailouts and risk worse later? : Should I text my answer to 88291? Next...

2) MOBILITY SCOOTER - We speak to the pensioner who escaped being "barbecued alive" as his mobility scooter burst into flames. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Another Daily Mail story ... they've done you proud this week. The most interesting sentence to me is "The drama unfolded as the great-grandfather was heading to the weekly car boot in town on Sunday, July 24.". July 24th ... that was nearly two weeks ago. Does this still qualify as news? Has anybody told you that The Titanic sank? Next...

3) STUDENT FINANCE - After 1, a student finance special with money saving expert Martin Lewis : Martin is a star, but I am not a student. Next...

4) ALLOTMENT - And we catch up with Terry Walton on the programme allotment : Ah yes, more sound effects to fill the airwaves. Deep, deep joy.

 

You see, I told you it wouldn't take long!

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - first with last month's news

Today's show 04/08/11

Good to see that somebody has actually chosen to do their job properly today, and your web page was updated just after 11:30. Whoever it was, please send them my thanks, a gold star and a P45. They deserve it.

Before we look at today's offerings, I'd like to draw your attention to an item that appeared in the news earlier this week. It was suggested that the IQ of internet users who choose to use Internet Explorer was lower than those users who used Chrome, Firefox, Safari, etc. It can be read here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/internet/8674678/Internet-Explorer-users-have-below-average-IQ.html as well as in other places. I saw this item and didn't really take much notice (thinking "who comes up with this rubbish?" and not because I hardly ever use IE!) but the follow-up story was of greater interest to me and it can be found here http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-14389430. Allow me to quote:

Internet Explorer story was bogus

A story which suggested that users of Internet Explorer have a lower IQ than people who chose other browsers appears to have been an elaborate hoax.
A number of media organisations, including the BBC, reported on the research, put out by Canadian firm ApTiquant.
Questions about the authenticity of the story were raised by readers of the BBC website who established that the company which put out the research - ApTiquant - appeared to have only set up its website in the past month.

Now, there's a thing. What this tells me is that the BBC - again - failed to check the facts of the situation and spread misinformation to its viewers, readers and listeners. It appears that nobody from the BBC questioned the validity of the original story UNTIL those members of the public questioned what they were reading. Remember what I was saying about having to work out a Bollocks To Truth ratio for every news story I read? This has made that calculation a little bit easier, but not in Truth's or the BBC's favour.

So why were those same doubts not raised in the minds of BBC editorial staff? Why did nobody think to check the facts? Why did nobody do the job that I pay them to do? All rhetorical questions as I already know the answer to all three: It was easier not to bother, and because somebody out there will believe it. The more important question it raises in my mind is: How can I believe anything the BBC tells me to be truthful and accurate? The answer is: I can't. No change there then.

So, on with today's irrelevancies...

1) E-PETITIONS - One hundred thousand names on an online petition may be all that's required to get your cause debated in parliament - and the return of the death penalty is expected to be a front-runner. Jeremy chats to Priti Patel, Conservative MP for Witham, and Paul Flynn, Labour MP for Newport West : Democracy in action, or is it? Those in favour of forcing a debate on the return of the death penalty can sign the petition. Those against can do ... well, nothing at all as the only petition I found (http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/138) is for those in favour of a return. It will be interesting to see how this pans out in parliament, but for the moment your discussion can ONLY increase the number of signatures on the e-petitions. I do not need to be told what to do so I'll leave it to you to guess whether I will sign or not, as you're good at guessing. Next...

2) BUILDERS - Research suggests that 2.5 million of us have had a dispute with a builder. Builders tell us what every householder should know before hiring one. Jeremy is joined by James Foy, a builder who owns James Foy Construction in Liverpool. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : A story from the Daily Mail ... fantastic. Is reading the Mail the first thing you do every day? Why do you never feature a story from the Daily Express? We had a new bathroom fitted a couple of years ago which involved knocking down walls and building new ones. I was delighted with the work that my builder did. I knew he would do a good job as before I engaged him I obtained several references from other customers of his, followed them up and was pleased to find that they were all good. It is not rocket science, is it? On the basis that I already know what to do I feel that there is no need to listen to all of the shouting and screaming that this item might cause today. Next...

3) HOSNI MUBARAK'S TRIAL - We discuss the opening of the trial of Hosni Mubarak, the former Egyptian president who was forced out of power by a wave of protest. What do Egyptians think of the extraordinary spectacle of their ex-leader being wheeled into court on a hospital bed? : Not being an Egyptian I don't have an opinion on the "extraordinary spectacle", as you put it. I wonder what Egyptians think of the UK phone-hacking scandal, and have no doubt that it is a hot topic on Radio Cairo's lunchtime phone-in show. Or perhaps not. Next...

4) SMARTPHONES - And have you ended a friendship because of someone's addiction to their smartphone? Jeremy talks to Kate Mulvey, journalist and broadcaster, and Christina Patterson, writer and columnist for the Independent : Oooohhh... tricky question... let me think... got it! The answer is: No. However, I shall give it serious consideration in the future. I can make phone calls and send texts on my phone, but I still don't understand how it works without a visible aerial, like my old one had.

And a final quick and genuine question for you, based on a comment left on my blog earlier: What is the difference between a journalist, a writer and a columnist? I thought they were all the same thing, but would love to be educated.

We went to see the latest and last Harry Potter film last night, driving the 60-odd miles to Llandudno (our nearest cinema) to do so. It was brilliant, but I couldn't help but feel that Mr Potter's world was somewhat closer to reality than your own.

The BBC - Broadcasting Bollocks Continuously

Complaint response 03/08/11

Reference CAS-912042-4VL0XX

Thank you for your e-mail.

I've since forwarded your correspondence to the people responsible for the website. Whilst I can't guarantee a response from them directly due to the amount of correspondence received on a daily basis, I can guarantee that the issue has been made available to them.

I hope you continue to enjoy our services and thank you again for taking the time to contact the BBC.


Kind Regards

Mxxx Rxxxxxx
BBC Complaints
www.bbc.co.uk/complaints

Today's show 03/08/11

The time is 11:28 and I am about to listen to your selfless promotion on Zoe's show. I see that you are keeping your web page readers waiting again today as details of today's four discussion topics are still to be published there, yet they appeared on Twitter an hour ago. And the reason for that is what, exactly?

So, I know what the stories are, but I am going to wait for the web page update as I want to see what spin you put on one story in particular. I'll come back in a bit...

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

Good here, isn't it....?

<Goes away for another 10 minutes>

Sigh....

<Goes away again>

Once again, you've done your introduction and the news is being read as I type this, and still no web page update. I've got better things to do than wait for somebody there to get their finger out, so I'll use the stories from your Twitter feed instead today, but first I need to file a complaint on the BBC web site, and here it is:

Mr Vine's show web page is used to give details of the four topics for discussion on each day's programme. However, since Mr Vine discovered Twitter the updating of this page has got later and later each day.

Today (3rd August 2011) Mr Vine posted outline details of the four topics on his Twitter feed by 10:35, with more details posted around 11:00. As I write this (at 12:10) the show is already in to the first discussion topic yet the web page has not been updated to show all four topics.

My complaint is that this treatment of non-Twitter users is unfair and unwarranted and that they should have access to the same information at the same time as Twitter users.

1) Story 1. Is @johnniemarbles only going to prison because he foam-flanned a Murdoch? : This one actually does get a mention in your web page heading: "Jeremy discusses if 6 weeks in jail is too long for throwing a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch". So, that leaves us in no doubt as to what your view is, does it? You could, of course, have adopted an unbiased view and worded it like this: "Jeremy discusses whether appropriate punishment is to be given to the man who assaulted Rupert Murdoch", or similar. But no, we have to have your own opinion rammed down our throats, as usual. It was interesting to see that somebody else has a similar view of your handling of this item when they predicted on Guido Fawkes web site (comment 13 http://order-order.com/2011/08/02/jonathan-may-bowles-goes-down/#comments) "I suppose that bleeding heart liberal Jeremy Vine will be hosting another Charlie Gilmore-esque love in tomorrow for this class warrior also?". I have seen few predictions as accurate and as factually correct as that one. As for Mr Bowles, perhaps he had better learn how to not drop the soap. Next...

2) Story 2. Have Top Gear crossed the line by taking the rise out of the new Nissan: car companies are commercial, TG is public sector : Interesting that you have to point out that "TG is public sector", which means that your programme is too. Yet you "take the rise" out of all types of people and subjects, and also do blatant advertising, and yet you are allowed to get away with it. So what is the difference? Ah yes, nobody can criticise you, and if they do you just ignore it. My advice to Clarkson et al would be to do exactly the same. As for electric cars themselves, I've just checked where I could recharge one in North Wales. The ONLY place is on the Holyhead to Dublin ferries (http://www.electriccarsite.co.uk/electric-car-charging-points and http://www.chargingstation.co.uk/charging_station_locations.html) but even if I give my electric car a full charge at home it would have run out before I got to Holyhead. And I'd have to buy a ferry ticket to Dublin. A pointless and irrelevant discussion then. Next...

3) Story 3. After tragic suicide of young mum, should people with lifelong depression avoid having children? : I have no idea, or interest. Excuse me while I go and slash my wrist. Next...

4) Story 4. Military cuts mean, if the Falklands were invaded now, we would have to let them go : I am sure that whoever is planning to invade will be grateful for bringing this rumoured shortcoming to their attention. Unfortunately there is not much that I can do about it, and you will do even less.

Can we hope that normal web page service will be resumed tomorrow? I've got better things to do than wait for somebody there to (not) do their job!

Oh, and here's a thought for you. Next time you go away on holiday, rather than have the vile Vanessa Feltz, the ineffective Matthew Bannister or that other anonymous bloke stand in, can we have Jeremy Clarkson instead? I'd listen to that.


UPDATE:

Finally, at some point during this afternoon and a long, long time after JV's programme finished, somebody updated the web page. The text and links are repeated here for completeness and future reference:

1) JONATHAN MAY-BOWLES - Jonathan May-Bowles is jailed for 6 weeks for throwing a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch. Is the sentence excessive or about right? Jeremy talks to Peter Hitchens, columnist and author and journalist Angela Epstein

2) DEFENCE CUTS - A committee of MPs attacks the government over defence cuts. Let’s imagine it’s 2015 and Argentina has re-invaded the Falkland Islands: Would we be able to respond? Jeremy chats to Admiral Sir Alan West, former security minister and former head of the Royal Navy and Times columnist Matthew Parris


3) DEPRESSION - A mother commits suicide and murders her own 2 children. In a heart-wrenching letter she says because of her depression, she just couldn’t cope and she couldn’t bear the thought of other people bringing up her children. Jeremy is joined by Lucy Jolin, author of Coping with Birth Trauma and Post Natal Depression, and Jeremy Vine Show agony aunt and broadcaster Barbara Want. Find out more in this Daily Mail article.

4) ELECTRIC CARS - Jeremy Clarkson drives a Nissan Leaf electric car through Lincolnshire and can’t find a suitable docking point. Is a Top Gear stunt in danger of destroying one of our new industries? Jeremy chats to James Max, broadcaster, and Rory Reid, the Car Tech editor of comsumer techonology review website CNET UK.

I wonder why JV didn't talk to Clarkson.....!?!

Today's show 02/08/11

Not surprisingly, the BBC journalists strike has featured in an interesting article in the BBC's favourite newspaper The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2011/aug/01/trade-unions-clash-bbc-management?CMP=twt_fd). You will remember that I explained a little while ago about how I had to work out a Bollocks To Truth ratio for every news item I choose to read, view or hear. Well, this article has left me perplexed. Allow me to quote:

"The BBC's director of business operations, Lucy Adams, said "six out of seven staff" were working normally"

"But Michelle Stanistreet, the general secretary of the National Union of Journalists, said it was "absolutely ludicrous" to suggest such a high level of staff, which she said was "completely untrue"."

Hmmm... now there is a puzzle. Who is telling the truth? The absence of many key names from broadcasts yesterday tends to suggest that the strike had more of an impact than the BBC would be prepared to admit, which also suggests that the BBC was not exactly telling the truth (heaven forfend). So, who should I believe? The BBC, the NUJ or The Guardian? In my book they are all as bad as each other, and anyway, I couldn't really care less.

So let's look at Tuesday's offering instead...

1) CHARITIES - Many charities are on the brink of closure as government funding is cut. On the show today we redefine what a charity should be: Should charities receive state funding? Should employees be paid? Should they be political? Jeremy chats to Kate Green, Labour MP and former director of two charities - the Child Poverty Action Group and the National Council for One Parent Families, and Neil O’Brien, the Director of conservative think tank, Policy Exchange : I'm intrigued by your statement "we redefine what a charity should be". I somehow doubt that this is going to be passed in to law, so who are you trying to influence here? And why have you taken such a blinkered view on charitable activities by bringing in people from two childcare charities, and nobody from the Charities Commission? Missing the point, as usual! There are many, many thousands of charities out there doing all kinds of wonderful things, from animal sanctuaries to the preservation of historic aircraft. I have some experience in the setting up and running of charities so I do know a bit about this. The vast majority do not receive state funding, they are mainly run by volunteers with only a few employees, and they choose not to be and have no need to be political in nature. I can tell you now that I would never support any charity that has political undertones. You seem to be focussing on such a miniscule part of what charities do that it leads me to think - again - that you have a hidden agenda here. And anyway, I know what a charity is so I don't need you to tell me what you think they should be, thank you very much. Next...

2) CHARLIE GILMOUR - Charlie Gilmour went to prison after swinging on the cenotaph, and the judge said he showed disrespect to Britain’s war dead. But didn’t our soldiers defend Britain’s freedom so that people like Gilmore could even mess around on a war memorial? Jeremy is joined by Alastair Mackie, former Air Commodore who flew during the second world war and John Nichol, former RAF navigator and defence commentator : Ah, diddums. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. Missing the point again, it seems that you have no intention of discussing ex-MP Jim Devine's release from prison yesterday (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14364037) after serving only 4 months of a 16 month sentence. So which is worse? Disrespecting the war dead, or disrespecting the people who elected you to a position of power? I'm sure that you can tell me. Next...

3) CHILDREN LEFT IN HOT CAR - A mother who left her 3 children in a car in 40° heat has been spared prison. Should the law be tougher or should we be more sympathetic? Jeremy chats to Zoe Williams, Guardian columnist and mother of two, and Rachel Agnew, broadcaster and mum of one : Hmmmm... Zoe Williams. Let's see what we can find about her. Ah yes, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoe_Williams says "Williams describes her political views as left-wing and feminist.". Great. And I learnt something today about regular contributor Rachel Agnew. According to http://www.rachelagnew.co.uk/ (I presume it is the same person) she is the voice of "Cashier number 3 please" in Post Offices. Great. We don't have children, so this item is of no interest to me. Next...

4) COLONIC IRRIGATION - Finally, a new report from an American university says colonic irrigation doesn’t work and could even be dangerous. Jeremy talks to Tracey Dell, founder of Northampton Colonic Clinic and Dr Sarah Jarvis, Radio 2’s GP. Find out more in this article from The Guardian : I've never had colonic irrigation, and have no plans to do so, so it is completely irrelevant to me. However, I find that 6 Music can be used as a fine substitute to remove unwanted material from my radio between 12 and 2 every day.

The Jeremy Vine Show - missing the point, every day