Today's show 05/03/12

Monday again... and from your Twitter feed it appears you can be easily influenced. I'll explain more below in item 4...

1) GAY MARRIAGE - Gay marriage is ‘grotesque’ says Cardinal O’Brien, a leading light of the Catholic Church in Britain : He is entitled to his view, of course, and I have read that he has tried to put it across on both Radio 4 and Radio 5 this morning and only ended up getting a hammering from Messrs Humphries and Williams (standing in for Queen Nicky) respectively. Is there a BBC edict in force? You made no mention on Ken's show that he would be contributing to your programme today so perhaps common sense has prevailed and he has realised now that appearing on the BBC to defend his position is a pointless exercise. Instead you said "We have somebody who supports his view, and somebody who doesn't". Two "somebodys"? Blimey. I'll ask again: How do I achieve my life's ambition and become a somebody? Anyway, I'm not a Catholic, I am happily married to my wonderful wife and I do not need to be told what to think. I think you know what comes next: Next...

2) BLACKLIST - There is a blacklist of workers in the construction industry. Why are people put on it, and are you worried that you’ve been? Find out more in this artcile from the Guardian : What's an "artcile" then? I have never been involved in the construction industry, so I do not know how people are put on it, nor do I have any reason to know. On the same basis, I couldn't care less if I have been put on the blacklist. Perhaps I have ... that would certainly be an achievement! Next...

3) CIRCUMCISION - We discuss regretting circumcision. Perhaps it was done to you as a baby for religious reasons, or you were told by the doctors it was necessary and then found out it wasn’t? : Surely you are not discussing this after I suggested it on Friday? It was in response to your witchcraft story that I wrote: I can think of at least two religions whose followers legally mutilate their children in the name of their faith. Perhaps you should discuss that one day?. If so, I am flattered! I had some sympathy with Ken this morning when you brought this up on his show, and was glad that he moved you on quickly. I have no regrets about my own situation and I'll leave whether I have been subject to this particular treatment as a secret between me and my underpants, thank you. Next...

 

4) LIBERAL DEMOCRATS - Lembit Opik brings out a book on how the Liberal Democrats can get their mojo back. Are you more likely to vote Lib Dem if they get rid of Nick Clegg?: My answer to your question is "No". It was yesterday evening that Lembit Opik tweeted you with:

You said on Ken's show "... he wants to come on ..." and he has been "... spending time thinking ...". I bet he wants to come on! Your programme seems to revel in giving free publicity to authors whose books I will NEVER read, and this is just another one of many. And instead of "spending time thinking" why doesn't Opik just go and get a proper job so that he can experience The Real World in which the rest of us live, and who he fails to represent. If nothing else, it would stop him from cropping up on crappy TV game shows (for example, Pointless Celebrities - never has a game show been more accurately titled) and doing cringeworthy stuff like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYXzNhzYdTU. Perhaps then he might just earn some respect from me.

 

I'll finish with another quote from Ken's show: "We're quite excited, as we always are". Well, bully for you Jeremy. Please rest assured that there are many of us who are as far away from excitement about your programme as it is possible to be.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - definitely in need of circumcision

Today's show 17/11/11

So, how do you spell "Heroin" when describing the drug? Not with an "e" on the end, as was shown on your web page yesterday before it was corrected. I was SO annoyed with myself that I didn't spot that.

What is it about Thursdays and your web page? This is the third week in a row that the update has been significantly later than other days. Does somebody have a day off on Thursdays?

So, what can I amuse you with while we are waiting? How about this from your beloved Daily Mail...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2062446/BBC-jobs-4-500-titles-2-000-managers.html

Anyone for Decision Support? BBC has 4,500 job titles... and 2,000 of them are managers!

There are almost 4,500 job titles in existence at the Corporation, it has emerged, and almost 2,000 of its staff have the word manager in their title.

It is thought there are even more staff on top of this who are classed as and paid as managers but do not have the word in their job titles.
Last month, BBC chief operating officer Caroline Thomson was asked on Newsnight why when the Corporation wanted to put money into programmes it was at the same time trying to recruit a ‘decision support analyst’ on £58,000 a year.
She admitted: ‘I don’t know what that person actually does but what I do say is that you want the BBC to be a well-managed organisation.’

Good to see Newsnight putting the BBC on the spot. You see Jeremy, it is possible to talk about and castigate the BBC even though they are your employers. You really should try it some time. I'd listen to that!

And then there is this one...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/8895154/Feud-between-Robert-Peston-and-Eddie-Mair-erupts-on-Radio-4-PM-programme.html

Feud between Robert Peston and Eddie Mair erupts on Radio 4 PM programme

A feud between two of the BBC's best loved presenters erupted into the open live on radio yesterday when Robert Peston, the Business Editor, accused news presenter Eddie Mair of "casting him out into the wilderness".

Best loved? By who? Not me! So the news reporters become the news. I'm sure that is not how it should be.

And meanwhile the BBC's Freedom Of Information department have actually dained to answer one of my questions. Their response goes likes this:

Freedom of Information request – RFI201112xx

Thank you for your request to the BBC of 10th October, seeking the following information under the Freedom of Information Act 2000:
Has Jeremy Vine received any products from Apple Inc. (manufacturer of the iPad, iPhone, etc.) on a discounted, complimentary, gift or free-of-charge basis in connection with or following any of his broadcasts for the BBC.
First of all please accept my apologies for the delay in responding to your request.
I can confirm that Jeremy Vine has not received any products from Apple on a discounted or complementary basis from Apple. The BBC has strict guidance relating to hospitality and gifts and you can find details at:
http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/foi/classes/policies_procedures/antibribery_policy.pdf

You may also like to know that the BBC has recently introduced anti bribery training which it requires all staff with editorial responsibilities to complete

This is good to know. (Their use of the word "complementary" is, of course, incorrect, despite my information request having it correctly spelt as "complimentary". They also managed to mis-spell two lines of my postal address in their reply. Quality!)

11:30 and still nothing on your web page, so let's have a listen to what happens when Ken takes the p155 out of you..., ooops, I mean... talks to you about your programme today. Oh, here you are now, talking about your dry-cleaning discussion on Twitter for some reason. For God's sake... I'm still blocked by you on Twitter, so my Freedom Of Speech continues to be stifled.

Well, you've just finished with Ken, and still nothing on the web page.

Programme started, still nothing.

12:23, finally updated, but I'm busy now so this is going to have to be quick...

1) SEPP BLATTER - Sepp Blatter says that racism on the football pitch can be absolved by the shake of hands. Find out more in this article from the Telegraph : Football? I shall sleep well this afternoon. Next...

2) SYRIA - Syria is a place most of us know little about. If we learn more about the country, would we be prepared to help her people? : You actually said on Ken's show, "We know nothing about Syria". You might not, but I do. Please do not include me in your sweeping generalisations! Not all of your listeners are as thick as you think they are. Next...

3) DRY CLEANING - Were your clothes ruined by dry cleaners? Find out more in this article from the Telegraph : I honestly cannot remember the last time I used a dry cleaners, if I have ever used one at all. Is this news? Next...

4) WORK EXPERIENCE - Should young people be paid to do work experience? We talk to two parliamentary interns who are paid. Find out more in this article from the Guardian : Do you use interns to update your web page? It would explain a lot if you do. You said on Ken's show that one of the interns you were going to speak to works in Ed Miliband's office. Poor bloke. This will brighten his day: http://awkwardedmilibandmoments.tumblr.com/

The Jeremy Vine Show - if only it were as good as Newsnight

Today's show 16/11/11

A quick scan of today's sorry menu shows that you have again chosen to discuss items that are of no interest or relevance to me. Yesterday afternoon I sent you an email suggesting two discussion topics, but as they concern the BBC you have, of course, pretended that they don't exist. For the benefit of my blog readers the two topics were these:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/tv-radio/bbc-cheap-programming-scandal-exposed-6262533.html

BBC 'cheap programming' scandal exposed

The BBC has owned up to a “nominal fee” programming scandal in which viewers of 15 editorial programmes were hoodwinked by “serious” conflicts of interest of programme makers and a failure to declare that documentaries had outside sponsors.
The programmes were made for “low or nominal cost” but many were heavyweight documentaries on controversial environmental issues and the BBC Trust, the corporation’s governing body, said today it was “deeply concerned” by the findings. Mark Thompson, the director general of the BBC, has ordered the organisation to tighten its systems for commissioning current affairs programmes. The broadcasting regulator Ofcom announced today that it was launching an investigation into the affair.

This comes as no surprise to me at all. The BBC's agenda on all sorts of issues, and "global warming" in particular, has suggested to me for some time that there was something hidden behind the message, and here it is for all to see. As for the BBC Trust, they don't know the meaning of the word Trust! The BBC has prepared their own carefully worded version of this story (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-15739468) and I just love this paragraph:

Richard Porter, head of English at BBC Global News, said staff would pay heed to the findings. "We must not damage the audience's trust in what we broadcast," he wrote in a public blog post.

There is absolutely no chance of my trust in the BBC's broadcasts being damaged, because any trust that I had evaporated years ago. Even the much-acclaimed Frozen Planet TV series does not escape controversy as the BBC has decided not to include the "climate change" episode from the standard package sold to other countries (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthnews/8889541/BBC-drops-Frozen-Planets-climate-change-episode-to-sell-show-better-abroad.html). One message for the UK, and a meeker message for everybody else because we don't want to upset them, perhaps?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-15733504

Bristol, Darwen and Glasgow TV Licensing staff to strike

Hundreds of TV Licensing workers will strike for a third time later this week unless their employer engages in fresh pay talks, union leaders have warned.

Do I care? No. Should I care? Definitely not. The thugs and henchmen at Capita can go on strike for as long they like. However, it reminds me that I have asked you before to discuss "What happens when you don't buy a TV licence?" but you have still chosen not to do so, preferring umbrella injuries and memorial benches to anything that may be of interest to this potential listener. The answer to my question continues to be, apparently: Not much.

 

So what do you have to tempt me today? Not much by the look of it.... 

 

1) SMOKING IN CARS - The British Medical Association says it’s time to ban smoking in cars : Mmmmm.... banning. Where would the Jeremy Vine Show be without banning? And paedophiles, pornography, sexism, racism, irrelevant trivia, etc. These are the fundamentals that form the basis for your programme every day. The BMA's suggestion is, of course, another erosion of what civil liberties we have left in this country, and I note that they make no mention of how their ban would be enforced. I hope the BMA is grateful to our beloved State Broadcaster for disseminating their message and telling us what to think. And I don't smoke. Next... 

2) HEROINE - The sister of a heroine addict tells us how devastating it can be for the whole family : There are no drug addicts in our family, so this is of no interest to me. Next...

3) EATING DISORDERS - In the run up to Children In Need, we discuss how eating disorders can affect children as young as 8 or 9 : I've just checked and we still don't have any children. Next...

4) GERMANY - Finally, 20 years ago Nicholas Ridley was sacked for saying Britain should never be bossed about by the Germans. Is Germany right to say it alone has the answers to the European Economic Crisis? Find out more in this article from the Guardian. : Again, I will use the example of Switzerland which is not in the EU and seems to be doing very nicely. Now Mr Cameron, about that referendum...

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - believing that the BBC is just perfect!

Today's show 03/11/11

I see your web page updater is slipping back in to their old ways as it is 11:25 as I write this and still your web page has not been updated. I'll go back to work and do my job while I wait for somebody there to do theirs.

<Goes away for 15 minutes>

11:40 and still nothing, and I've got a customer arriving very soon.

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

Are you not bothering today?

<Goes away again ... customer arrives and we happily conclude our meeting>

The time is now 12:40, and still your web page hasn't been updated.

To my dear blog readers:

I haven't got time to muck around these idiots today. Hopefully, normal service will be resumed tomorrow, if they can be bothered.

The Jeremy Vine Show - who cares?


UPDATE:

14:50, and it finally appears:

1) EURO RESCUE PACKAGE - Germany and France are furious with the Greeks for putting the Euro rescue package in jeopardy. But imagine for one minute that you are Greek - how would you vote in the referendum? : Try as I might, I could not ever imagine I was Greek.

2) ARGUING IN THE CAR - A woman faces a jail sentence after a row in the car resulted in a terrible crash and the death of her husband. Is the car the worst place you’ve ever had a row? : No.

3) SECRETS - The child of Maxine Carr will never know about her past. What secrets from your previous life do your children not know about you? Find out more in this article from the Guardian : What children?

4) KIDNEYS - You have two kidneys but you only need one. Would you donate one of them to a compete stranger? : So all JV listeners have two kidneys, do they? And I have no idea what a "compete" stranger is.

Today's show 01/11/11

A quick one today, as I am busy. I am lucky to have a job that always gives pleasure and value for money, unlike your good self.

So, let's look at the possible reasons you have to persuade me to listen to your programme today...

1) GDP - The UK's GDP continues its steady climb out of the crunch. What lessons can we learn from the last slow recovery from a recession - in the 1930s? : Errr... How about starting World War Three? I wasn't around in the 1930s, and I have not the time or interest to find out what happened 75 years ago. Who comes up with these ridiculous scenarios? Next...

2) YOGA - Yoga is better for chronic back ache than standard NHS treatments, a study suggests. Find out more in this article from the Guardian : The Guardian is starting to appear more frequently as a source for the stories you steal, so perhaps it deserves its own tag on my blog now. Having suffered from back ache in the past I know that the NHS treatments that I was offered ("Take an aspirin and go and lie down for a week") were absolutely useless. However, the services of a good osteopath at the time and some good back self-management since then keep my pain away. I've never done yoga, and have no plans to do so. Next...

3) GREEK REFERENDUM - Greece announces that its EU bailout deal will be put to a public vote. Is a referendum democracy in action or a dangerous risk? : 0 out of 10 for originality, as it was as recently as 24th October when Feltz discussed "EU REFERENDUM - A number of Conservative MPs are planning to defy the party leadership and vote today for a referendum on Britain's membership of the EU. With the euro in crisis, is this the ideal time for a public poll or a dangerous distraction?". I fail to see how anything you discuss today will change what happens in Greece, but I wish the Greeks well with their referendum and feel sure that they will make the right decision. I've been to Switzerland several times and they hold referendums all the time on all sorts of things, and they seem to be doing OK, don't they? Next...

4) ESCALATOR - And a mother is furious after her seven year old's shoe gets caught in an escalator. Find out more in this article from the Sheffield Star : Did anybody die? No. Was anybody injured? No. Did the shopping centre refuse to pay for the damaged shoe? No. Is there a story here? No. Do I need to listen to this rubbish today? No. I loved your use of the phrase "had his shoe eaten" on Ken's show. Nothing like a bit of emotive language to drag in the listeners, is there? And a quick search reveals your claim that somebody in New York was killed by an escalator to be bogus too. I can find stories of people being crushed (by other people), people falling from or down escalators (in the same way as they could have fallen from or down a flight of stairs), but not any suggestion of a death caused by the escalator itself. Did you make it up? If you didn't there can only be one possible outcome: BAN ESCALATORS, NOW!

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - ignoring public opinion, every day

Today's show 02/09/11

I have an important project starting next week and I know that I would struggle to find the time to write my daily email to you in a timely manner. So, for the next two weeks or so, please feel free to discuss any old tosh you wish without fear of criticism from me. You can also be assured that I won't be listening.

Today's issue that affects me: Is porridge best prepared in the microwave or in a saucepan, or doesn't it make any difference?
Note how I offered the third "middle of the road" option that is sadly missing from the questions that you pose.

Only three topics today, apparently, and so irrelevant that ridiculing them is a challenge in itself...

1) 'SQUADDIE SCHOOL' - A free school is being set up in Manchester where all the teachers will be former members of the armed forces. Is a 'squaddie school' the best way to bring discipline back to the classroom? Find out more in this Guardian article : I have no idea, interest or children. Next...

2) ABORTION - When you were considering having an abortion, did you get the right advice?: I have never had to consider having an abortion. Next...

3) TERRY WALTON - And the Jeremy Vine Show allotmenteer Terry Walton joins us live in the studio today to answer fruit and veg questions from listeners…and to do some gardening himself : For a whole hour? Has he got a book out? How does Mr Walton's contribution fit in to your "We only cover the news" statement earlier this week? How is his allotment an issue that affects me? Have you ever heard of a Radio 4 programme called Gardeners' Question time? The only thing I grow in my garden is grass, and I seem to manage that OK thanks.

I despair.

The Jeremy Vine Show - can it get any worse?

Today's show 16/08/11

Another day, another four topics that mean absolutely nothing to me. Are you proud of what you do?

1) RAIL FARES INCREASE - Rail commuters are likely to face rises of 8% in their season tickets. Have you been priced off the railway? : I have a choice of two railway stations that I can use to access the national network. One is on the Cambrian Line that runs south along the coast to Machynlleth and then on to Shrewsbury, from where I can catch another train in to England. Journey time to Shrewsbury (i.e. before I catch another train to my ultimate destination) by that route is about 3 hour 40 minutes. Shrewsbury is 70 miles from here, and I can drive there in 1 hour 30 minutes. The other station I can use is Bangor on the North Wales coast, but it is 25 miles away, so a 45 minute drive. From there I can catch a direct train to Birmingham or London (journey time 3hours 15 minutes), so it is not too bad. However, I take the view that once I am in the car and driving I may as well continue to where I want to go to. However, we rarely leave Wales these days and find journeys in to England a real chore and only to be undertaken if absolutely necessary. As for commuting, well mine involves walking from one room in my home to another room. You can probably guess from all this that my answer to your question is "No". Next... (The link for this story on JV's web page was a duplicate of the one for the next story...)

2) TURNING DETECTIVE - A man whose laptop was stolen in the riots uses a device fitted in the machine to trace it. Have you ever turned detective to get your stuff back? : Good for him to have the foresight to fit the tracking device - I'm impressed. However, I have never done any detection of my own. Next...

 

3) GANGS - After 1, we discuss how to stop your child joining a gang. Find out more in this Guardian article : What child is that then? We don't have any, so this is of no interest to me. Next...

 

4) FINDING YOUR FIRST LOVE - And getting back in touch with your first love. Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Aaaahhh... the Daily Mail... bless. Why on earth would I want to do that? Remember, it was me that dumped you.

Today's show 09/08/11

Busy today, so briefly...

I'll cover the first three (of five!) stories together today...

1) VIOLENT DISORDER - As violent disorder spread across London and other parts of the UK, we ask: Why are our cities on fire and our youth engaged in civil disorder?
2) FIGHTING THE RIOTERS - It’s said that we’re a nation of shop keepers and it’s small shops and businesses which have been burned and looted. But now a group of shop owners are saying they will not be defeated. Find out more in this video from the Guardian.
3) ARMY - The leader of Croydon Council has called for the army to be brought in

I was perhaps a little dismissive of the riots yesterday, but fortunately I am far enough away to not be directly affected by what is going on. However, we have two family members living in north London, and we are anxious for their safety. My thoughts go out to everybody who has been hurt, made homeless or lost property. Action obviously needs to be taken, not just by the police but by the residents of these areas. Somebody must know who the rioters are. I know what I would do but, and like you, I have no influence on what happens.

It is good to see that item 2 uses the word "rioters". The BBC has been rightly criticised for referring to the participants as "protesters" yet it was not made clear what they were protesting about. The Daily Telegraph covers this here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/8690267/London-riots-BBC-criticised-for-branding-thugs-as-protesters.html. Is this the BBC's own version of political correctness gone mad? Next...

4) BURIED ALIVE - A 15 year old girl is buried alive on the beach after digging a tunnel in the sand : Good to read that she survived. Banning the digging of holes on sandy beaches is surely the only answer. Or maybe not. Next...

5) NANCY WAKE - Resistance fighter Nancy Wake dies at the age of 98. She fought the Nazis with her bare hands. Was your granny a war hero? : Sorry, but no. They were both heroines.

Today's show 02/08/11

Not surprisingly, the BBC journalists strike has featured in an interesting article in the BBC's favourite newspaper The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2011/aug/01/trade-unions-clash-bbc-management?CMP=twt_fd). You will remember that I explained a little while ago about how I had to work out a Bollocks To Truth ratio for every news item I choose to read, view or hear. Well, this article has left me perplexed. Allow me to quote:

"The BBC's director of business operations, Lucy Adams, said "six out of seven staff" were working normally"

"But Michelle Stanistreet, the general secretary of the National Union of Journalists, said it was "absolutely ludicrous" to suggest such a high level of staff, which she said was "completely untrue"."

Hmmm... now there is a puzzle. Who is telling the truth? The absence of many key names from broadcasts yesterday tends to suggest that the strike had more of an impact than the BBC would be prepared to admit, which also suggests that the BBC was not exactly telling the truth (heaven forfend). So, who should I believe? The BBC, the NUJ or The Guardian? In my book they are all as bad as each other, and anyway, I couldn't really care less.

So let's look at Tuesday's offering instead...

1) CHARITIES - Many charities are on the brink of closure as government funding is cut. On the show today we redefine what a charity should be: Should charities receive state funding? Should employees be paid? Should they be political? Jeremy chats to Kate Green, Labour MP and former director of two charities - the Child Poverty Action Group and the National Council for One Parent Families, and Neil O’Brien, the Director of conservative think tank, Policy Exchange : I'm intrigued by your statement "we redefine what a charity should be". I somehow doubt that this is going to be passed in to law, so who are you trying to influence here? And why have you taken such a blinkered view on charitable activities by bringing in people from two childcare charities, and nobody from the Charities Commission? Missing the point, as usual! There are many, many thousands of charities out there doing all kinds of wonderful things, from animal sanctuaries to the preservation of historic aircraft. I have some experience in the setting up and running of charities so I do know a bit about this. The vast majority do not receive state funding, they are mainly run by volunteers with only a few employees, and they choose not to be and have no need to be political in nature. I can tell you now that I would never support any charity that has political undertones. You seem to be focussing on such a miniscule part of what charities do that it leads me to think - again - that you have a hidden agenda here. And anyway, I know what a charity is so I don't need you to tell me what you think they should be, thank you very much. Next...

2) CHARLIE GILMOUR - Charlie Gilmour went to prison after swinging on the cenotaph, and the judge said he showed disrespect to Britain’s war dead. But didn’t our soldiers defend Britain’s freedom so that people like Gilmore could even mess around on a war memorial? Jeremy is joined by Alastair Mackie, former Air Commodore who flew during the second world war and John Nichol, former RAF navigator and defence commentator : Ah, diddums. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. Missing the point again, it seems that you have no intention of discussing ex-MP Jim Devine's release from prison yesterday (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14364037) after serving only 4 months of a 16 month sentence. So which is worse? Disrespecting the war dead, or disrespecting the people who elected you to a position of power? I'm sure that you can tell me. Next...

3) CHILDREN LEFT IN HOT CAR - A mother who left her 3 children in a car in 40° heat has been spared prison. Should the law be tougher or should we be more sympathetic? Jeremy chats to Zoe Williams, Guardian columnist and mother of two, and Rachel Agnew, broadcaster and mum of one : Hmmmm... Zoe Williams. Let's see what we can find about her. Ah yes, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoe_Williams says "Williams describes her political views as left-wing and feminist.". Great. And I learnt something today about regular contributor Rachel Agnew. According to http://www.rachelagnew.co.uk/ (I presume it is the same person) she is the voice of "Cashier number 3 please" in Post Offices. Great. We don't have children, so this item is of no interest to me. Next...

4) COLONIC IRRIGATION - Finally, a new report from an American university says colonic irrigation doesn’t work and could even be dangerous. Jeremy talks to Tracey Dell, founder of Northampton Colonic Clinic and Dr Sarah Jarvis, Radio 2’s GP. Find out more in this article from The Guardian : I've never had colonic irrigation, and have no plans to do so, so it is completely irrelevant to me. However, I find that 6 Music can be used as a fine substitute to remove unwanted material from my radio between 12 and 2 every day.

The Jeremy Vine Show - missing the point, every day

Today's show 28/07/11

Busy today, so let's get today's temptations to listen to your programme dismissed quickly. It shouldn't take long....

 

1) LANGUAGE ROW - A woman has launched a human rights challenge because her husband is not allowed to move here from India because he can't speak English : On Ken's show, you compared this with a UK citizen moving to Spain without any intention of learning Spanish, which is all well and good but there is a crucial difference: Immigrants to the UK are required to learn English, but immigrants to Spain are not required to learn Spanish. Rather than the UK being in the wrong, which is what I think you were inferring, perhaps the Spanish are the ones who have got this wrong. Just a thought. Fortunately, the Welsh Assembly Government have adopted the same attitude as Spain and I did not have to prove my knowledge of Welsh when I moved here, although I do know a bit. Next...

2) SYNCHRONISED BED TIMES - Is it crucial to a relationship that partners go to bed at the same time? Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Where would we be without the Daily Mail - and your goodself - telling us what is good for us, eh? I''ll bear this in mind should I ever think that my marriage is in crisis. I'll let you know when and if that ever happens. Oh, and I can't remember the last time I watched Newsnight. Next...

 

3) LIBYAN REBELS - The UK declares that it will recognise the Libyan rebels as the government of that country. Are we right to do this…and who are they anyway? : I was waiting for you to say "... and our studio guest will be Foreign Secretary William Hague" as he probably knows more about this than anybody else, but the words never came. I would be willing to bet that you have already been in touch with George Galloway about this, and he is ready and waiting to bank his cheque. Next...

 

4) VOICE - And have you ever been ridiculed for your voice? Find out more in this Guardian article : Now, let me think.... Pretty sure the answer to this one is: No.

 

Have you given up doing stories from The Sun?

 

Am I tempted to listen today? Hmmm... what do you think?

Today's show 20/07/11

(Late today due to JV web page not being updated until 12:20)

I guess that there is a price to pay for your new-found enthusiasm for Twitter, in that today's topics were posted there at about 09:30 this morning, yet here we are at 11:40 and your web page has not been updated with the same information. As updating both seems to be a bit too much for you, here is a serious offer of help: Send me the details of what you are planning to discuss and I will write your web page text for you. I promise to be objective, realistic and write without any sensationalism or hyperbole. Give me access to your web page and I'll even upload and publish it for you. I would make no charge for this service. You know where I am. What could possibly go wrong?

Anyway, at 09:35 the topics according to Twitter were: "Today's programme in four words: Murdoch. Libya. Euro. Famine.", but your web page readers are being kept in suspense. I'll come back in a bit...

<Goes away for 15 minutes>

11:55 and still no update. Is this what we pay our TV Licence Tax for?

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

12:05, still nothing.

<Goes away again>

Finally, at 12:20, we have four good reasons not to listen today....

1) SYMPATHY FOR MURDOCH? - Were you convinced by Rupert Murdoch's performance? He is, after all eighty. Did you feel sorry for him, or was it just one big act? We speak to Age UK : Age UK are one of the UK's leading charities and do all sorts of fantastic work, yet on Ken's show you said "Help The Aged, or whatever they are called these days". Do you consider it acceptable that a leading broadcast journalist cannot remember the name of a major UK charity? Do you still go in to your local sweet shop and ask for a Marathon bar? As for Murdoch, well it is plainly obvious that the BBC will not be happy until both Murdochs have stakes thrust through their hearts, are shot with a dozen silver bullets and then crucified before being hung, drawn and quartered. And I bet your heart sank when Mr Marbles attempted to thrust the flan in his face, as in an instant Murdoch Senior changed from being a Billionaire Media Tycoon in to a fragile old man who was the victim of an unprovoked assault. He will have gained a lot of sympathy for that. Next...

2) MEDIA COVERAGE: MURDOCH OR FAMINE? - As the famine in Somalia becomes official, are you angry that the foam in Murdoch's face is getting more coverage than thousands of people starving to death? : A good question, with a simple answer: Because stories about famines do not sell newspapers or boost listener and viewer figures, and the demise of Murdoch is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that has ever happened in the history of the world, apparently. Once again, you are distancing yourself from your beloved Media, even though you are part of it. How can you do that? Hypocrisy is alive and well on the JV Show! So, what are you going to do about the famine then? Can we look forward to seeing the launch of The Jeremy Vine Appeal for Famine Relief? I'll send you £20 if you do. Next...

3) EUROPEAN ECONOMICS - As the Euro teeters on the brink, we take you on a journey round Europe's capitals. If the Euro economies collapse, does Britain fall with it? Find out more in this Economist article : You described this on Ken's show as "The Euro, again another story that is not being reported because of a custard pie". Excuse me, but it was YOUR PROGRAMME that has also jumped on the Murdoch Media Band Wagon and chose not to report this story until now. Please just get off your "holier than thou" high horse. In answer to your question, I have no idea, no time to find out and insufficient influence to do anything about it. Do you? Next... (The link given on the JV web page was a duplicate of the BBC famine story and did not link to The Economist)

4) TRIBUTE FM - We speak to the man that runs the rebel radio station in Libya. How do you broadcast when you're under attack? Find out more in this Guardian article : Again, you described this on Ken's show as "... the equivalent of my show in Libya ...". Those poor people. Not only do they have to endure bombs, bullets, civil unrest and an over-bearing dictator but they also have to endure somebody on their radio talking about wheelie bins, poor parking, handbags, polytunnels and nicking stories from the Libyan equivalent of the Daily Mail. No wonder Libya is in such a mess.

I've just noticed that I am no longer following @theJeremyVine and seem to be prevented from doing so. I wonder if this is a technical fault (although I seem to be able to follow anybody else that I wish to) or whether it is just a case of you not liking what I say. I hope it is not the latter as that would surely be suppression of my free speech as a member of the public (i.e. me) to a public figure (i.e. you) who is forever encouraging me to "tell me what you think" and who then tries to tell me what I should be thinking. Criticism is a stock-in-trade of your show, and it is such a shame that you want to be immune from it. My blog soared through 5000 page views yesterday, so my criticism will continue. See you on Twitter, even if the conversation is now one-sided.

And finally, today's programme in four words:

Murdoch. Bias. Continues. Unabated.

Nothing. Of. Interest. Today.

I. Won't. Be. Listening.

Get. Off. My. Radio.

6. Music. Much. Better.

Today's show 13/07/11

An interesting piece appeared in your favourite rag The Daily Mail yesterday concerning your BBC colleague Robert Peston and his alleged affiliations with News International (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013684/Is-BBCs-Robert-Peston-close-Rupert-Murdochs-man-Will-Lewis.html). Allow me to quote:

Media commentators have highlighted the close personal and formerly professional relationship between Mr Peston and Will Lewis, the very senior News International troubleshooter, amid suggestions that the BBC man is being used by the Murdoch machine.

Mr Peston is also close to Simon Greenberg, News International's director of corporate affairs.

A gossip column last week reported that Mr Peston was among the guests at a lavish garden party thrown by PR man Matthew Freud and his wife Elisabeth Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch's daughter, at their Oxfordshire mansion at the beginning of July. According to the report Mr Peston, resplendent in a peach cotton scarf, was huddled together with Rebekah Brooks, his friend Mr Lewis, and their boss James Murdoch for a good part of the evening.

Last night, Labour MP Tom Watson said it was 'not right' that Mr Peston appeared to be being 'spoonfed' internal News International documents that were being handed over to police.
Interesting stuff, I'm sure you would agree. And it must be true if it is in the Daily Mail, surely?

Meanwhile, The Guardian have published a chart showing how the TV Licence Fee Tax is used (http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2011/jul/12/bbc-spending?CMP=twt_gu). Interesting to read that Licence Fee Collection cost £126million last year, but that it only cost £53million to fund the whole of Radio 2 in the same period. Room for some efficiencies there I feel, and a good place to start would be cessation of the intimidating letters to people who do not own a TV.

And following the relevations by News International that Gordon Brown might just have got his facts wrong (http://order-order.com/2011/07/12/source-for-cystic-fibrosis-story-was-mundane/) and suggestions that Brown is just seeking revenge (http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/andrew-grice/andrew-grice-is-news-internationals-misery-gordon-browns-revenge-2312096.html) I see you are having a day almost devoid of Murdoch-bashing today...

1) GREEN ENERGY - By some estimates, the average household could see their fuel bills rise by a further one hundred and sixty pounds, in order to pay for green energy. Can we afford that? And how many solar panels do you need to boil a kettle of water? Find out more in this Guardian article : A quick search for "solar panel boil kettle" brought a BBC page up as the top item: http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/davidgregory/2010/09/boiling_a_kettle_with_solar_po.html. The telling sentence is: Of course all this depends on your kettle! It will be interesting to see in years to come if and how attitudes about man-made global warming change once the inevitable pain is felt in peoples' wallets. Next...

2) METROPOLITAN POLICE - After listening to the police evidence to parliament yesterday, did you conclude that these Metropolitan police officers were lazy, scared (of Murdoch), corrupt, or sensible? : I think you are, unfortunately, confusing me with somebody who listened to their evidence. On that basis I'll guess that they are all four of those things, not that you will be changing anything, of course. Next...

3) NICK CLEGG - The deputy Prime Minister's wife says that Nick Clegg is killing himself to do the school run. Some people are saying that running the country is more important that collecting the children from school. Find out more in this Telegraph article : Running out of proper news stories, are we? Some people (well, quite a lot actually) are saying that your programme is rubbish, yet you choose to ignore them. I sincerely hope that Mr Clegg does exactly the same. Next...

4) GANNET - Finally, the man from Cardiff who had his eye pecked out by a gannet : Hmmm.... So this guy (a welder, but the BBC news web page makes no mention of his wildlife handling qualifications) sees what he considers to be an injured bird belonging to a protected species and decides to pick it up. The gannet, injured or not, would have been stressed by this. The barking dog would have only added to its discomfort so it did what came naturally and lashed-out in an effort to protect itself. Do I have any sympathy? Not really. Is this news? Not really. Perhaps he could sue the owner of the dog. Needless to say, the BBC news page fails to supply us with the most important piece of information: the fate of the gannet. Half a story, as usual. I was involved in a similar situation earlier this year, when I saw that a sheep in the field across the road was tangled in the brambles. I watched it on and off for a couple of hours as it tried to pull itself free. I had the phone number for the farmer so I gave him a call, spoke to his wife, and explained the situation. She thanked me for my concern and contacted the farmer who turned up an hour or so later. The sheep was still stuck in the brambles and so the farmer walked over to it with stout gloves and cutters at the ready. When he was within six feet of it the sheep stood up and calmly walked off. I learnt something about nature finding a way that day. But there is also a difference between my story and yours: I called somebody who knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, I like chips so I consider this story to be more important: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-14125924

Today's show 29/06/11

Oooohhh... I'm late today, as I was busy dealing with a valued customer. So, let's get on with it...

Following The Guardian's revelations about BBC expenses at Wimbledon, your favourite news rag has also found a story concerning BBC expenses: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1394675/BBC-spends-6-400-day-luxury-travel-despite-pledging-expenses-cut.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Again, allow me to quote:
BBC spends £6,400 a day on luxury travel despite pledging expenses cut
The BBC bill for first and business class travel soared by 60 per cent in the last financial year despite the corporation's pledges to cut expenses.
Matthew Sinclair of the TaxPayers' Alliance said: 'The management at the BBC seem to be completely out of touch.
'While everyone else is cutting back they are still expecting first class treatment at licence fee payers' expense.
'It is also very disappointing that they are still resisting proper transparency.
'Taxpayers should be able to see how their money is spent.'

Good to see that Mr Sinclair refers to us, the Licence Fee payers, as "taxpayers" - a view with which I concur.

Also, did you hear about so-called journalist Johann Hari? He, like many of his brethern, decided that if he didn't like what somebody said in an interview then he would substitute different words. Details are here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/johann-hari-denies-he-plagiarized-during-interviewsbyhari/2011/06/28/AGGk0ApH_blog.html.

You see, I keep saying that journalists make this stuff up. Scum, the lot of them.

Right, moving on to today's irrelevancies then...

1) HIGH STREET - Nearly ten thousand jobs are likely to go on the high street and up to fourteen percent of shops are now empty. But given we have out-of-town shopping and the internet, should we stop feeling sentimental about the high street? In the 21st Century, is it time to let the high street go? Jeremy talks to Jeremy Baker; Affiliate Professor at ESCP Europe Business School and Chris Wade; Chief Executive of Action for Market Towns. Find out more in this Guardian article : This may be true of where you live, but it certainly is not the case around here. We try not go to our nearest town between 10am and 4pm during the summer months as it is heaving, and use other outlets instead. We don't have any out-of-town shopping anywhere near here, and even the nearest DIY and electrical retailer "sheds" are in a town, albeit 25 miles away. Next...

2) CRAIG THOMSON - Scottish footballer Craig Thomson has been suspended from Hearts Football Club, after being placed on the sex offenders register for sending indecent images to underage girls. Some say he should never play again. However, Marlon King was convicted of sexually assaulting a woman and punching her in the face and went to jail, but he's now back playing football for Birmingham City. Jeremy talks to Josie Appleton; Manifesto Club and Anne Houston; Chief executive of the Children1st charity : Who? Oh, he's a sports person. I have no idea why you are singling out footballers today, and this really is of no interest to me. Next...

3) CHRISTINE LAGARDE - Former French finance minister Christine Lagarde has been appointed new head of the IMF. She once suggested that if women had been running the economy and the banks, we'd have never had the financial crash. We imagine a world in which the crash never happened, because women were in charge : "We imagine a world" ... you make it sound as though you are doing something different. Every day you imagine a world in which you think people are actually worried about handbags, polytunnels, fried chicken shops, sharing toothbrushes, church organists, wart treatment by shotgun and exploding glass tables. Things are actually very different for those of us who live in The Real World. Is the news menu on offer today really so bad that we have to start imagining "what would happen if...?". Next...

4) DISABLED TOILETS - And finally, should able-bodied people be allowed to use disabled toilets? Jeremy talks to actress and disability rights campaigner Julie Fernandez. Find out more in this Sun article : And the Jeremy Vine Show finally reaches rock bottom with a story culled from that doyen of The Dead Tree Press - The Sun. And it is a story about somebody called Wayne Rooney, who I think might be another footballer. Seriously, am I meant to care? Can your programme get any worse than this? Sadly, the answer to that question is probably "Yes".

The Jeremy Vine Show - talking toilets, as usual.

Today's show 03/06/11

Please join me in celebrating today as my I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog reached 3000 page views yesterday evening. Once again I thank my readers for taking valuable time out of their busy days to read my ramblings. You see Vanessa, it is not just me!

I haven't seen or heard anything about the Vanessa Feltz Campaign For Free Access To Supermarket Bins, so I can only assume that you decided not to take up my suggestion. To me, this means that you are just a talker, just like Jeremy. Have some clichés: Talk Is Cheap, and Actions Speak Louder Than Words. And the point of your programme is what, exactly?

So let's look at today's tedium...

1) A-S LEVEL MATHS ERROR - Pupils were baffled and upset by an A-S maths question that was literally impossible to answer. Are you still haunted by an exam question? : Hmmmm.... now let me think back to 35+ years ago. No, I honestly cannot remember anything about my exams at that time, and so I can only come to the conclusion that I am not haunted by an exam question. I'm sorry to fall outside of your target audience today, as usual. I'll tag this one as a Ridiculous Question on my blog. I do feel sorry for the students who have been affected by this cock-up though. Next...

2) WITNEY LIBRARY - David Cameron's constituency of Witney will be using volunteers to run its library. Is that another step towards the 'big society', or are we just kidding ourselves that just about anyone can be a librarian? Find out more in this Guardian article (daily readership 264,000, down 8.7% in the last year) : This is the second day running that you have stolen a story from The Guardian. Now, I know that the BBC has a well-deserved reputation for siding with The Guardian's viewpoints on life (see http://biased-bbc.blogspot.com/2011/06/guardianistas-of-world-unite.html, for example) but I have to point out that you are failing to maintain Jeremy's consistently low standards by nicking stuff from a Dead Tree Press broadsheet and not from the Daily Mail. However, I have to admit that my knowledge of The Guardian's outlook is not good as I honestly cannot remember having read a copy - ever - as my barber chooses not to buy it. What am I to do, eh? Anyway, I used to be a librarian when I was at school, and successfully got to grips with Filmolux, card indexing and the Dewey Decimal System, but that was 35+ years ago too. Not going well, is it? Next...

3) E.COLI - Eighteen people have now died from the E.coli outbreak, and a number have been ill from poisoning in this country. Are you now frightened of salad? : Aaahhh... good to see that you are fuelling the flames of paranoia and hysteria. Jeremy will be proud of you, especially if you base your ramblings on the usual inaccuracies and lies that this programme depends on. I have always been frightened of salad. When eating out my heart sinks if my plate appears in front of me half full of leaves. The reason is quite simple: It takes up valuable chip space. I'm sorry that some people are ill, but based on the 2009 figures (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10408417) since you started your lunchtime stint on Tuesday around 25 people ((2222 / 365) x 4) will have been killed on Britain's roads. But that happens every week, so fails to be detected by News Radar and is so classified as not newsworthy. You must be aware of old news business saying: If it bleeds, it leads (http://journalism.about.com/od/reporting/a/newsworthy.htm), unless it happens so often it is boring, apparently. Next...

4) TV TALENT SHOWS - Finally, did the bitter reality of TV talent shows break your child's heart? : I'll file this one under Ridiculous Question too. Just how many of your listeners do you think have children who have been involved in TV talent shows? Less than can be counted on one foot of a three-toed sloth, I would guess. You would have made this topic far more relevant had you omitted the TV requirement, but you know best, of course. We don't have any children, and I have never been in any kind of talent show, so this whole item is completely meaningless to me. Result!

 

As well as my blog passing 3000 views, there has been some more good news today: I was glad to hear on Zoe's show that today is your last day. And I have not listened to a single minute this week. Yay!

Today's show 02/06/11

How am I supposed to write this rubbish when nobody there can be bothered to update your web page? 11:55 and still only the merest hint of what you will be discussing today.

I'll come back in a bit....

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

 

Aha! 12:05 and somebody has got their act together, so let's see what tosh will tantalise your listeners today...

1) ASYLUM AMNESTY - A committee of MP's has accused the government of giving an amnesty to 160,000 asylum seekers. Vanessa talks to Keith Best; Chief Executive of the Medical Foundation for the Care of Victims of Torture and Sir Andrew Green; Chairman of the Migrationwatch think tank : I don't know enough about this topic to comment usefully, and I don't have the time to investigate it. On that basis, this topic is of no interest to me. Next...

2) BELL RINGERS - A pensioner was so outraged by the noise of church bells that he locked a group of bell ringers in the church. Find out more in this Guardian article (daily readership 264,000, down 8.7% in the last year) : Is this news? Jeremy will be proud of you for digging this one up! My nearest church with bells is about 4 miles away. They ring every Sunday morning, and probably at other times too. And guess what ... I can't hear them from where I live, so this is not a problem for me and consequently of no interest. Next...

 

3) OUTSOURCED IT - Birmingham City Council has outsourced around seventy IT jobs to India, while making people redundant in this country. The unions are fighting it, but others say if it saves taxpayers money, what's the problem? : I don't live in Birmingham, but I am sure that the residents of that fair city will make their opinions known, if only through the ballot box. Next...

 

4) OLYMPIC TICKETS - I didn't get my Olympic tickets. Vanessa talks to listeners Alan Curr, Tim Fuell and Richard Kirby. She also talks to Andy Swiss; BBC sports correspondent: I didn't get any Olympic tickets either, but that was probably because I didn't apply for any. No surprise that you have chosen to talk to Andy Swiss rather than somebody from the Olympics box office. After all, why would you want to get the real story from somebody who knows when you can just speak to one of your own people?

 

Right, back to work and 6 Music.