Today's show 18/10/11

So, did you manage to work out why IndyCar racing was so dangerous yesterday? Might it have been something to do with racing cars at high speed in close proximity to each other on a narrow circuit? Who'd have thought, eh?

 

And did you ask Chris Huhne about his speeding ticket problem? You were lucky to get him in the studio at all apparently, because he didn't turn up for Newsnight!

Today's issue that affects me: Is 11:30 too late to eat a bacon sandwich?

Following your success last Friday, are you going to tempt me to listen again today? Let's see...

1) HILLSBOROUGH DISASTER - The Home Secretary promises Hillsborough families that no stone will be left unturned. Will Hillsborough disaster files be made public? : Am I meant to predict the answer to that question? Hang on... I'll just get my crystal ball. You had Kelvin MacKenzie on your show only last Friday, so perhaps you should have him back on again today to discuss his involvement with the Sun's erroneous reporting of events on that tragic day. While I may be prepared to accept that he made an editorial mistake it is his behaviour since then that I find disgusting. I have read that "on 11 January 2007, MacKenzie went on record as a panellist on BBC1's Question Time as saying the apology he made after the disaster was a hollow one, forced upon him by Rupert Murdoch. MacKenzie further claimed he was not sorry "for telling the truth" but he admitted that he did not know whether some Liverpool fans urinated on the police, or robbed victims" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sun_(United_Kingdom)). Perhaps he may like to clarify his position on your show today, as I am sure that a lot of people would like to hear that. Or did you only have him on the show last Friday because he is a well-known and bumptious journalist who could be relied on to say something controversial? As you so plainly work by your own set of double standards how can I trust anything you tell me? Next...

2) GPS CUT PATIENTS - Are you annoyed because you’ve been struck off by your GP? : No, because I haven't. Next...

3) FUNERAL ETIQUETTE - We look at funeral etiquette. People don’t know how to behave when they see a funeral cortege. Find out more from The Telegraph : Fifth paragraph in the Telegraph's article says it all: The Co-op said that almost a third of people aged between 18 and 44 are now totally unaware of the unwritten rules for funeral processions. Perhaps if they were written down then those people that may not know or understand would stand a better chance of doing so, but I suppose it gives you the chance to educate some of your listeners today. Fortunately I am one of those who knows the "rules" so I do not need to listen. Next...

4) PRISONER SWAP - In Gaza, 1,000 Palestinian prisoners are exchanged for one Israeli soldier : I have absolutely no interest in this topic.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - a good reason to switch to 6 Music

Today's show 01/08/11

Another week, and more lunchtime tedium looms, apparently...

1) SYRIA - Should we intervene in Syria following reports of a massacre in the city of Hama?: Oooohhhh, a vote. I've just texted my vote to 88291, is that right? I expect that David Cameron, William Hague et al will be hanging on your every word. Or not. Can I guess what your discussion will actually achieve today? How about A Big Fat Nothing, as usual? Next...

I know what the next three items are as I listened to your trail on Zoe's show but, and no suprises here, your web page hasn't been updated yet (11:50). I also notice that all four items appear on your Twitter feed. So who is more important to you: Your Twitter followers (my account JVineBlogMan is still blocked, by the way), or plain common-or-garden users of the old-fashioned internet? While you think about that, I'll go away and come back later...

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

12:00, you've done your introduction and the news is being read, and still no web page update. Oh, like magic, as I type this there it is...

2) DECENCY - Are you offended by adverts on bus stops and billboards featuring scantily clad women? Find out more in this Daily Mail article : Should I be surprised that this comes from the Daily Mail? No, I didn't think so either. Well, if we had a bus stop that displayed such material then I would be able to give you my honest and frank opinion, but we do not have such a bus stop. All of the ones around here are just a pole in the pavement, maybe with the most basic of shelters. Similarly, I cannot honestly think of ANY advertising billboard within 30 miles of here, and if there is it has obviously had so little effect on me as to be instantly forgettable. I think that means my answer to your question has to be "No". It is interesting that you described this item on Twitter in a much more sensationalist and imflammatory way: "Two Moslems convicted for spraying burkhas over bikini-clad billbard models - which is more oppressive, the burkha or bikini?" and asked "Are they spraying the paint for you and for me?". For you maybe, but not for me, thanks. Next...

3) NIGHT TERRORS - Do you - or your child - suffer from night terrors? : What child is that then? You described this as when "dreams become reality". Sounds horrible, and fortunately I have never had that happen to me. The scariest dream I have had recently was when I stayed on a London Underground Northern Line train at Morden (the southern end of the line) and I ended up in Sorrento, Italy and was told that my One-Day Zone 1 Travel Card was not valid for the return journey. That is as bad as it gets for me, so I'm not sure that I could learn anything from Dr Jarvis today. Perhaps one day I'll dream that your programme might (a) discuss something of interest to me, and (b) actually make a difference rather than just broadcasting waffle. Now that would be scary! Next...

4) SMOKING AFTER THROAT CANCER - Have you refused to give up smoking after suffering lung or throat cancer? Find out more in this article from The Sun : Good to see that the Murdoch Empire is being welcomed back in to the ever-hungry news bosom of the BBC. After all, why would you want to find your own stories when your main rival can do it for you? Again, you described this item differently on Twitter: "Michael Douglas has throat cancer surgery - but has now been photographed apparently smoking again. Incredible?". Looking at the photos on The Sun's news page (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/3725044/Michael-Douglas-sneaks-a-cigarette-while-on-holiday.html), I cannot see a cigarette. In the top picture I see Mr Douglas holding his hand to his mouth with his fingers folded in such a way that he has formed a hole through which we can see the white background of the boat's superstructure. He looks to be biting his fingernails. In the bottom picture he appears to be examining his fingernails. Thanks for telling me what to think - again - but it raises this question in my mind: Who should I believe? Should I believe what journalist scum from The Sun tell me is the truth? Should I believe you? (As if that is ever going to happen!) Or should I believe my own eyes? I think you can probably guess the answer to that one. Not that I could care less what Mr Douglas does, of course. Going back to your question. I've never smoked any tobacco product, I've never had lung cancer and I've never had throat cancer. I guess that makes the answer "No". Oh well, you tried, and I guess that is the best that I can hope you will do.

I see your bruvver journalists are on strike again today. I doubt that I'll notice any difference, but why don't you support them?

Today's show 30/06/11

Lying journalistic scum Johann Hari continues to make the news today (http://blogs.forbes.com/jeffbercovici/2011/06/29/accused-of-plagiarism-johann-hari-responds-with-lies/) and his world seems to be rightfully unravelling as the scale of the lies and deceit that he spread to an eager-for-news public becomes apparent. I have suggested before that you should do an item on journalism and news reporting in 2011, and what - if anything - can be done to restore its credibility. Perhaps it is just such an impossible task that it is not worthy of discussion, eh?

We have to feel sorry for Ed Miliband again today. Poor bloke. The Independent commissioned a Comres poll using pictures of some of the Labour big names and simply asked people to identify them. The results can be seen here: http://www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00618/Graphic-lab_618861a.jpg. You have to wonder what Ed Miliband has to do to make an impression on the UK public, especially when 23% of those polled thought he was David Miliband. Similarly, the picture of David Miliband was identified as being Ed Miliband by 26% of those that took part. At least nobody managed to get Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper confused. So, perhaps you should be asking today: "Brothers in Government - Is it all just too confusing?".

And in the background the Awkward Miliband Moments web site (http://awkwardedmilibandmoments.tumblr.com/) continues to ridicule Poor Ed. Something should be done, and I can't think of anybody better than your goodself to give Poor Ed the level of credibility and respect that he deserves.

But not today apparently. Instead we have this...

1) STRIKES - As up to 750,000 teachers and civil servants go on strike over their pensions. We talk to a teacher who tells us why "she's worth it" : How about talking to her Head Teacher, or her Board of Governors to see if they think "she's worth it". After all, she is hardly likely to say "No, you're right, I'm a rubbish teacher, so don't give me the money", is she? As for the civil servants (members of PCSU) I sincerely hope that you have their leader Mark Serwotka on your programme today. Perhaps you should ask how he justifies his £112,634 salary (http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/tradeunionrichlist0611.pdf) and how the strikes will affect him. We don't have children, and I'm not aware that I will be using any facilities provided by the civil service today, so this item is of no interest to me. Next...

2) SNAKES - A snake breeder was killed by the snake he loved. Does your partner keep snakes and have you persuaded them to get rid of them? : The answers to your questions, as you can probably guess, are "No" and "No", and I would imagine that 99.9% of your listeners are in the same situation. This is real target audience stuff! Next...

3) BAIL COURT RULING - Following the High Court ruling that the police can't hold suspects on bail for more than four days, the government is considering emergency legislation. But civil liberty groups are saying if the police don't have the evidence, what right have they got to lock people up? : And this discussion will achieve what, exactly? Great and clever minds are hard at work trying to conjure up a solution, but I have this strange feeling that not one of them will say "I know, let's listen to the Jeremy Vine Show on Radio 2, he'll tell us what to do". Next...

4) EMAIL - Finally, the future mother-in-law who sent the future daughter-in- law an email on how to behave in her house. Find out more in this Sun article : Oooohhh... second day running for a story from The Sun. Is this news? I feel that a new blog label is needed. Is The Sun the new Daily Mail, I wonder? My final question yesterday was : Can your programme get any worse than this? Predictably, it just did.

The Jeremy Vine Show - getting worse, every day

Today's show 29/06/11

Oooohhh... I'm late today, as I was busy dealing with a valued customer. So, let's get on with it...

Following The Guardian's revelations about BBC expenses at Wimbledon, your favourite news rag has also found a story concerning BBC expenses: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1394675/BBC-spends-6-400-day-luxury-travel-despite-pledging-expenses-cut.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Again, allow me to quote:
BBC spends £6,400 a day on luxury travel despite pledging expenses cut
The BBC bill for first and business class travel soared by 60 per cent in the last financial year despite the corporation's pledges to cut expenses.
Matthew Sinclair of the TaxPayers' Alliance said: 'The management at the BBC seem to be completely out of touch.
'While everyone else is cutting back they are still expecting first class treatment at licence fee payers' expense.
'It is also very disappointing that they are still resisting proper transparency.
'Taxpayers should be able to see how their money is spent.'

Good to see that Mr Sinclair refers to us, the Licence Fee payers, as "taxpayers" - a view with which I concur.

Also, did you hear about so-called journalist Johann Hari? He, like many of his brethern, decided that if he didn't like what somebody said in an interview then he would substitute different words. Details are here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/johann-hari-denies-he-plagiarized-during-interviewsbyhari/2011/06/28/AGGk0ApH_blog.html.

You see, I keep saying that journalists make this stuff up. Scum, the lot of them.

Right, moving on to today's irrelevancies then...

1) HIGH STREET - Nearly ten thousand jobs are likely to go on the high street and up to fourteen percent of shops are now empty. But given we have out-of-town shopping and the internet, should we stop feeling sentimental about the high street? In the 21st Century, is it time to let the high street go? Jeremy talks to Jeremy Baker; Affiliate Professor at ESCP Europe Business School and Chris Wade; Chief Executive of Action for Market Towns. Find out more in this Guardian article : This may be true of where you live, but it certainly is not the case around here. We try not go to our nearest town between 10am and 4pm during the summer months as it is heaving, and use other outlets instead. We don't have any out-of-town shopping anywhere near here, and even the nearest DIY and electrical retailer "sheds" are in a town, albeit 25 miles away. Next...

2) CRAIG THOMSON - Scottish footballer Craig Thomson has been suspended from Hearts Football Club, after being placed on the sex offenders register for sending indecent images to underage girls. Some say he should never play again. However, Marlon King was convicted of sexually assaulting a woman and punching her in the face and went to jail, but he's now back playing football for Birmingham City. Jeremy talks to Josie Appleton; Manifesto Club and Anne Houston; Chief executive of the Children1st charity : Who? Oh, he's a sports person. I have no idea why you are singling out footballers today, and this really is of no interest to me. Next...

3) CHRISTINE LAGARDE - Former French finance minister Christine Lagarde has been appointed new head of the IMF. She once suggested that if women had been running the economy and the banks, we'd have never had the financial crash. We imagine a world in which the crash never happened, because women were in charge : "We imagine a world" ... you make it sound as though you are doing something different. Every day you imagine a world in which you think people are actually worried about handbags, polytunnels, fried chicken shops, sharing toothbrushes, church organists, wart treatment by shotgun and exploding glass tables. Things are actually very different for those of us who live in The Real World. Is the news menu on offer today really so bad that we have to start imagining "what would happen if...?". Next...

4) DISABLED TOILETS - And finally, should able-bodied people be allowed to use disabled toilets? Jeremy talks to actress and disability rights campaigner Julie Fernandez. Find out more in this Sun article : And the Jeremy Vine Show finally reaches rock bottom with a story culled from that doyen of The Dead Tree Press - The Sun. And it is a story about somebody called Wayne Rooney, who I think might be another footballer. Seriously, am I meant to care? Can your programme get any worse than this? Sadly, the answer to that question is probably "Yes".

The Jeremy Vine Show - talking toilets, as usual.