Today's show 19/03/12

Hello!

According to Twitter, Jeremy is away recording Eggheads, so welcome Assmah for your first stint standing in for The Great One.

A quick introduction: I write to Jeremy every day and explain why the four topics for discussion are largely irrelevant to me, together with relevant topics that I would like him to discuss - and which he completely ignores with almost 100% reliability. You can read my past communications here: http://lunchtimeloather.blogspot.co.uk/

So, what are you discussing today? Let's see, and I'll be easy on you...

1) FABRICE MUAMBA - The Bolton footballer Fabrice Muamba is still lying critically ill in hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest on the football pitch on Saturday. How could it happen that an incredibly fit young footballer suffers such a catastrophic attack? : I'll be honest and say that I had never heard of him or this unfortunate incident until yesterday evening. Let us hope that he makes a full recovery. Next...

2) WELFARE REFORMS - The government wants to reform the welfare system so it’s better to work than receive benefit. But we speak to a very worried single mum who says that she will lose tax credits and be so poor she’ll barely be able to feed her son : I am not a single mother, I don't receive any benefits, I don't have any children and I work for what I earn. Next...

3) ORKNEY AND SHETLAND - And finally, as the debate rages over Scottish independence, we speak to someone from Orkney and Shetland who says that even if Scotland goes independent, these islands should remain part of the UK. Findd out more from this article in the Aberdeen Press and Journal : I'm not sure why item number 3 starts with "And finally..." (or includes the word "Findd"), but I have promised the BBC Trust that I won't complain about poor updating of your web page in future. As a resident of Wales, I hope that I will be able to vote on whether Scotland goes independent. After all, it will affect us all - not just the residents of Scotland. Next...

4) PRIVATISING ROADS - The government wants to bring in a form of privatisation for our roads. Will this result in a fast lane for rich people only? : The first paragraph of the BBC news page you link to tells me all I need to know: David Cameron is expected to call for much more private investment in England's road network. I rarely visit England, and often choose to use the M6 Toll in preference to slogging through Birmingham. However, I would not class myself as "rich". Please do not do as Jeremy does and ignore the middle ground.

You see? That's how it goes. I'll be listening to 6 Music instead. More tomorrow!

The Jeremy Vine Show - but not for the next two weeks

Today's show 15/03/12

I have been writing my second appeal letter to the BBC Trust this morning, which I will publish on my blog in due course. Suffice to say, I am giving you a hammering - particularly on the whole Twitter thing. Because I have spent some time on the letter this is going to be a very quick review of the issues that allegedly affect me today...

1) CITY STATUS - 3 new cities had been created to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee. Tell us why your town should have won : I don't live in a town. The nearest one has a population of less than 2000 people. I think it is quite happy being a town, actually. Next...

2) EXTRADITION - Gary McKinnon, Christopher Tappin and Richard O’Dwyer are all caught up in being extradited to the US. Is it right they should face justice there? Or is the government being too hasty in giving in to the American authorities? : I have no idea, and I have no idea. So, what are you going to do about it? Let me guess: Absolutely Bloomin' Nothing, as usual. Go on Jeremy, start a campaign to get something changed. I dare you! Next...

3) SCHOOL TRIPS - 22 Belgian children were killed returning from a school ski trip. We talk to somebody who says: “It’s made me rethink sending my child on such a holiday.” : That is completely understandable, but we still have no children. Next...

4) PUBLIC PHONE BOXES - They’re dirty, they’re smelly and nobody uses them. Is it time to scrap all public telephone boxes? : Dirty and smelly? Nothing like a massive generalisation, is there? BT removed the phone box in our village. A vigorous campaign was launched and it was reinstated a few months later. I think that makes my answer to your question to be "No".

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - in need of extradition to somewhere other than Radio 2

Today's show 13/03/12

Twitter is a wonderful thing, but my concerns over its use by the BBC continue with particular regard to "personal" and "official" Twitter accounts used by BBC staff. My own view is that somebody in your position Jeremy should have two accounts: one for interaction with their eponymously named radio programme, and one for their personal life. I would choose to follow the former as I wish to be able to interact with you as a broadcaster and to be able to comment on the topics you raise. Not having any interest in football, other sports, your cycling in London experiences, etc., I would have no wish to follow your personal account - if you had one. After all why would I want to know when you may be going to an athletics event, who you may be buying the tickets from and how much (how much!?!?!?!) you would be paying for them? Again, perhaps I should mention this in my letter to the BBC Trust.

Before we move on to today's programme, here is the latest news from the BBC:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2113300/BBC-spends-thousands-giving-staff-lucrative-pay-offs--hires-range-salaries-perks-pensions.html

BBC spends thousands giving staff lucrative pay-offs... then re-hires them with full range of perks and pensions on top of new salaries

The BBC has re-hired six members of staff less than two years after they were given lucrative redundancy pay-offs. The six are among more than 1,000 employees who received severance packages worth up to hundreds of thousands of pounds after being made redundant in the past two years. But they are now back at the BBC on a full-time basis, enjoying a full range of perks and pension benefits on top of their new salaries.

I'm sure that somebody at the BBC thinks this is a good use of my money. I, of course, beg to differ.

Earlier this month you discussed the suicide of David Rathband, and in January you discussed the suicide of Gary Speed. This topic is bound to come up again, so perhaps you would like to include this tragedy in your next discussion:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2113907/BBC-killed-husband-Bridalwear-shop-owner-says-investigation-broadcast-consumer-affairs-led-suicide.html

BBC killed my husband: Brides' shop owner says consumer affairs show investigation led to his suicide

Devoted husband Alan Edwards was devastated after his wife Carolyn’s struggling bridal wear company was featured on a BBC consumer affairs show. Mrs Edwards told the inquest: 'When X-ray called I told them I was dealing with it and didn’t want to talk about it. Next thing I knew I was woken at 8am by a hammering on the door. It was a huge shock - I thought something was really wrong". Carmarthenshire Coroner Mark Layton recorded a suicide verdict and said the programme may have led to the tragedy. After the hearing in Llanelli, Mr Edward's daughter Kirsty said her family had been 'bullied' by the BBC and her father had been unable to live with the shame of appearing on the show. 'One day I’m going to have children and I’m going to have to tell them why they haven’t got a granddad. And it’s all because my dad was bullied by the BBC and the people working on this show.'

A quick scan of today's news (sic) menu shows that there is nothing of interest for me today - again - so let me explain why...

 

1) HOSEPIPE BAN - As hosepipe bans are brought into large parts of the south and east of the country, we ask: how will the ban affect you? : Ahhhh, London and the South East. I remember them well. It was all a long time ago though as I moved to the West Midlands in 1984 and have rarely returned to the South East since. There is no hosepipe ban here in North Wales and so my answer to your question is: It won't. You said on Ken's show, "Somebody said it rains less here than it does in Dallas, but I wouldn't want to repeat that". Was that just deliberate misinformation then? Next...

2) DIVORCE - After you divorced, did you take care in exposing your children to your relationships? : I don't have any children from my first or current (second) marriages. Next...

3) HIP REPLACEMENTS - Medical experts warn against metal on metal hip replacements. Did your hip replacement go wrong? : I've never had a hip replacement. Next...

4) MY LAI MASSACRE - Following the killings in Afghanistan, how many people remember the My Lai massacre in Vietnam where America lost the battle for hearts and minds? : How many? Lots, probably. Unfortunately I am not one of them. I know of it, but I don't remember it. The massacre occurred in March 1968, and I was less than 10 years old at the time. You would have been approaching your third birthday.

 

Some days you make my life so easy!

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - perfect for divorced Londoners aged over 60 with children and knackered hips

Today's show 08/03/12

Congratulations on a new record! Yesterday's web page update was the latest EVER in all of the years that I have been sending these messages to you. I can normally expect to find the page updated by late afternoon, but at 19:15 last night it had still not been done. It was, however, updated by 10:15 this morning, so perhaps the Jeremy Vine Show nightshift did it. However, we must all remember that "the programme holds the right to publish website content at a time convenient to it" and that we - the TV Licence Tax payers - have no right to complain about this, and anybody who does will end up on the BBC's Naughty Step with me.

So while we wait oh, so patiently for somebody get their finger out of their backside and do the job for which I pay them, let's look at some other BBC news that you won't be discussing today. Let's start with this, but note that the Telegraph's headline may be misconstrued so let me clarify: This is toast as in drinks, not toast as in with butter and marmalade:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/9126618/BBC-expenses-Radio-2-boss-billed-for-toast-to-cost-cutters.html

BBC expenses: Radio 2 boss billed for toast to cost-cutters

A senior BBC executive, Bob Shennan, billed the corporation £220 for drinks as a thank you to staff charged with cutting costs, according to newly published expense bills. The Radio 2 controller made the claim in June last year for drinks for eight colleagues who helped implement ways to cut spending at the public broadcaster by £700million. The reason for the drinks bill submitted by the former controller of BBC Radio 5 Live, whose total remuneration package is £218,800, was given as “DGF thank you drinks for journalism”.

I am sure that somebody at the BBC thinks that this was money well spent, but I don't.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/mar/06/bbc-cbeebies-cbbc-epg

BBC boss says Sky does not give CBBC and CBeebies prominence on EPG

A senior BBC executive has accused BSkyB of reneging on its obligation to give public service channels such as CBeebies and CBBC "due prominence" on its electronic programme guide. BBC director of policy and strategy, John Tate, said CBeebies, the BBC's pre-school service, is now 13th on the EPG list of children's channels on Sky, with CBBC in 14th. Above it are channels such as Nicktoons, Boomerang and six Disney services.

BSkyB ... that'll be part of the Murdoch Empire - the same Murdoch Empire that the BBC has attacked on every possible occasion over the past year or so. No connection, surely? Isn't all fair in love, war and journalism?

Note that both articles start with "A senior BBC executive...". Is there any other kind?

11:55, here we go:

1) REMPLOY - 36 out of 54 of special Remploy factories, where disabled people have traditionally been given secure jobs, are to close. The government says they’re losing huge amounts of money and that money would be better spent helping far more disabled people find jobs in the open jobs market : I note the sentence "Labour called the decision "the wrong plan at the wrong time" from the BBC news page, but this is not the first time that Remploy's factories have been under threat unfortunately. Take a look at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6965756.stm which dates from August 2007 and says "Workers are to hold a month of marches and meetings aimed at keeping open 43 factories which employ disabled staff. The campaign will start in Aberdeen and end outside the Labour Party annual conference in Bournemouth next month.". This was followed by http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7118979.stm from November 2007 which says "Twenty-eight of Remploy's 83 factories employing disabled workers are to close, Work and Pensions Secretary Peter Hain has said.". From the BBC's coverage I can only come to the conclusion that Labour thought they had the right plan at the right time back in 2007. Will you be asking Peter Hain about this today? Just for some balance, you understand. I thought not. Next...

2) OVERWEIGHT - Should a mother ever tell her daughter (or son for that matter) that they are overweight? Find out more in this article from the Daily Mail : The Daily Mail returns! Hooray! I am over 50, my mother is in her 80s and she still tells me I'm overweight. Unfortunately she thinks you are rude so she doesn't listen to your programme. Next...

3) RESPECT - Finally, how should people show respect for soldiers who die in Afghanistan if they don’t agree with the war? : I manage, and I can only hope that none of your listeners will be waiting for instructions on how to do this. Next...

4) LOST - Do you remember the old SOS messages before the news on Radio 4? A Manchester man who’s dangerously ill is desperately trying to trace his long lost son. Find out more in this article from the Manchester Evening News : No, I don't remember them. And I am not the chap you are looking for. Sorry.

The Jeremy Vine Show - escaping the BBC cuts, unfortunately

Today's show 06/03/12

Good morning. Here is the news from the BBC:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4172233/BBC-blows-13m-on-TV-licence-threat-letters.html

BBC blows £13m on TV licence threat letters

THE BBC was blasted last night for spending £13.5MILLION on chasing unpaid licence fees over the past four years. It has sent out a staggering 85million warning letters — dubbed "threatograms". The huge bill, with each reminder now costing 18.3p in postage, was footed by licence fee payers who stump up £145.50 a year to watch telly.

All part of the unique way in which WE fund the BBC, of course.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/9124453/BBC-refuses-to-sign-pledge-to-get-more-women-on-screen.html

BBC refuses to sign pledge to get more women on screen

The BBC is the only major broadcaster to refuse to sign a pledge to increase the number of women in heavyweight roles on screen – despite Mark Thompson admitting that the corporation "got it wrong on women" in the past. However, the BBC – which has recently admitted it does not have enough women in serious news and current affairs roles – said it would not sign up because of its duty to represent all licence fee holders. A BBC spokesman said the corporation was "sympathetic to the aims of the Broadcast pledge" but the licence fee means it is unable to endorse campaigns.

I can only take this to mean that the BBC considers that women do not represent licence fee holders, or that women don't need to buy a TV licence. And I can think of many, many campaigns that the BBC has endorsed over the years....!

But hush my mouth! In this particular environment the BBC is absolutely sacrosanct and can do no wrong in any way. Silly me. Instead we have this...

1) BUYING BRITISH - Ed Miliband says it’s time we supported British manufacturing. Would you go out of your way to buy British or are you solely driven by quality and value for money?: It depends what I am buying, but generally my answers would have to be no, and no. Should I call in and tell you that? Miliband has been all over the BBC today promoting this ... almost as if the BBC were endorsing a campaign. Just out of curiousity, what makes you think I would do anything that multi-millionaire Ed Miliband told me to do? He makes me laugh though: http://awkwardedmilibandmoments.tumblr.com/ Next...

2) CHILD PORNOGRAPHY - A dad from Hull accidentally downloaded child pornography. He immediately told the police, but the police had said they need to investigate and he can’t be left alone with his child for many months. Find out more from the Hull Daily Mail : I am assuming this has been reported correctly, but there was no mention by you on Ken's show that you would be talking to the Chief Commissioner of Humberside Police to find out what is going on. From that I can only assume that you won't be helping this chap. Changing nothing, as usual? Come on Jeremy, get to the bottom of this and make a difference for once! Next...

3) CHILD BENEFIT - The government wants to cut child benefit for high rate tax payers who earn over £42,475 a year. Is this fair? : We still have no children, we don't earn over £42,475 a year, we don't get any benefits, and that is not fair. Shall I call in about this one too? Next...

4) BENGHAZI WAR GRAVES - And finally, the war graves in a British cemetery in Benghazi, Libya, were desecrated over the weekend. Does this anger you because your father or grandfather fought in the north African campaign? : My father was in North Africa during the World War Two and he is alive and well, thank you. I see your usual striving for accuracy is meeting its regular standard: If these graves were "desecrated over the weekend" how is it that James Delingpole posted a link to the video last Friday? (http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100140857/cameron-vindicated-grateful-libyan-people-thank-britain-for-their-liberation-from-gadaffi/) By the way, did you hear that Queen Victoria has died?

The Jeremy Vine Show - our news is anything but new

Today's show 02/03/12

I was following your Twitter feed yesterday during the show (not listening, of course) and you tweeted: Caller in Gairloch, West Highlands, says cost of diesel to drive to Tesco and back is £25. Makes a mockery of their bargains. Can I ask, why do you think that is Tesco's fault? Not all of us have a Tesco Express round the corner! My nearest Sainsburys is 60 miles away, nearest Asda 20 miles away. This is my Real World!

And as we head in to the weekend, let's take a quick look at the stories that you are trying to tempt me with today...

1) WITCHCRAFT - A teenager accused of being a witch is tortured with knives, metal bars and a hammer and chisel before drowning in the bath. His sister and her boyfriend are found guilty of his murder : This is absolutely abhorrent and although newsworthy it really is not the kind of thing I would want to listen to while having my lunch, thank you. I can think of at least two religions whose followers legally mutilate their children in the name of their faith. Perhaps you should discuss that one day? Next...

2) MIDDLE CLASS BENEFIT CHEATS - Forget the stereotypes of unshaven layabouts drinking cans of lager in front of the TV at ten in the morning - are middle class benefit cheats the worst offenders? : I have no idea, and as I receive no benefits of any kind I can only assume that this does not apply to me. The question is though, will you manage to drag any of these people away from This Morning, Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle to listen to your programme? Next...

3) RENT - After 1, when your partner moves in should you charge them rent? : No. As I have said before, I have utmost respect for Martin Lewis but it continues to puzzle me as to why he keeps coming back to your programme. It would not be so bad if you actually listened to and understood what he says, but then why would you treat this particular expert any differently from any others? Next...

4) TODDLERS' EXTRAORDINARY GETAWAYS - A toddler scales a seven foot spiked metal fence to escape from his nursery school. Do you have a story of a child's extraordinary getaway? Find out more in this article from the Daily Record : Not having any children, I cannot give you any stories other than those that involve me in my formative years. Nurseries were a rare thing back in the early 1960s, so I didn't go to one. When I went out with my parents I was kept on a set of reins to stop me from running away. My parents have told me that when I did get away I just kept going. They would call me back and I would just say "Goodbye" and keep going. But things were different back then.

 

Sorry, you have failed again.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - other radio stations are available

Today's show 24/02/12

Can you remember exactly what you were doing exactly 35 years ago today? I can.

Another quick one today...

1) BAR-ROOM BRAWL - Have you ever been involved in a bar-room brawl? What is the best way to pull the two sides apart? : No, never, and I have no idea. Interesting that you said you could not talk about the Eric Joyce skirmish, when others obviously feel that they can. Guido Fawkes published yesterday (http://order-order.com/2012/02/23/internal-beeb-blow-by-blow-account/) an internal BBC document giving a blow-by-blow (!) account of what happened. I am sure that the mandarins at Labour HQ are very pleased about the down-playing the BBC alone are giving to this event. And we can only imagine the different level of coverage that the BBC would have given this had it been a Tory MP involved. MPs, irrespective of their party, should be treated equally but that is something the BBC often seems to forget. Next...

2) NESTLE - The CEO of the Swiss food giant ‘Nestle’ has been criticized for using child labour. He says what’s wrong with using children as labour as long as we’re not treating them like slaves : Interesting that you have not provided a link for this story (or any others today), as the only ones I can find all date from November 2011 (for example: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-15930981). Is this just you being last with the news again today? A good friend of mine is another self-employed sole-trader but his 12-year-old son often helps him in his work and earns some extra pocket money in this way. Unfortunately he won't be listening to or contributing to your programme today as he is as big a fan of your show as I am. Next...

3) TERRY WALTON - Many of us enjoyed warm spring like weather yesterday. Terry says it’s time to get out on the allotment and start preparing the plot : You said to Zoe, "We discuss how to stop carrots splitting and growing raspberries". I am no gardener, but my lovely wife is, and I know from her that carrotts need stone-free soil to stop them growing in to odd shapes. Raspberries are my favourite soft fruit and so we grow these with considerable success. In fact, we had so many last year I was almost getting to the stage of having eaten too many. Almost. Anyway, I'm not sure I can learn anything from this, other than - perhaps - how to create some of the amazing sound effects for which you are making Terry rightly famous. Next...

4) MIDWIFE - Like the BBC 1 series, we ask; did you call the midwife in the 1950’s? : Any woman who had a baby in, say, 1955 and was, say, 20 years old at the time would now be well in to her 70s. Is this your target audience now? I was born in the late 1950s. Oh, and I'm a bloke.

The Jeremy Vine Show - Thank goodness it is the weekend.

Today's show 20/02/12

Monday morning again, and somebody has very kindly updated your web page nice and early - thank you!

I see from today's menu though that you will not be discussing a couple of news stories that are of interest to me. For completeness these are:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2103258/BBC-pays-1-8million-legal-help-stars-pay-confidential.html

BBC pays £1.8million legal bill to help keep stars' pay confidential

The BBC’s governing body has paid £1.8 million to a top international law firm for work including advice on keeping the wages of some of its most high-profile stars confidential. Figures obtained by The Mail on Sunday show that the BBC Trust – the body that has overall control  of the public broadcaster – paid an average of almost £20,000 a week  to the London office of Baker & McKenzie during the past two years.

Do you consider that this gives us - the TV Licence Tax payers - value for money? I don't.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/9090976/How-Moira-Stuart-makes-sure-tax-doesnt-have-to-be-taxing.html

How Moira Stuart makes sure tax doesn't have to be taxing

Moira Stuart, the BBC newsreader who has become the public face of HM Revenue & Customs, has set up a company that allows her to avoid the full impact of the 50p top tax rate.

How about discussing the pros and cons of this arrangement one day then Jeremy? I'd listen!

Instead, we have this lot...

 

1) LONG DISTANCE COACH TRIPS - Following the crash in northern France of the coach returning children from a ski trip, we talk to someone that says it’s time to stop the transportation of children on long distance coach trips at night : "Someone" ... bless. Where do you find them? You said to Zoe, "It is not very easy to sleep on the front seat of a coach". A lot of coaches used on these trips have a separate sleeping compartment for the driver away from the main passenger cabin but I have no idea if this was the case on the coach that crashed in France. Do you? A similar incident occurred on a trip abroad when I was at school in the 1970s, but fortunately without loss of life. It is true to say that it had an affect on everybody at the school as we all knew somebody who had been injured. They all went on to make a full recovery but, presumably, some still bear the mental and physical scars of that incident to this day. However, I wasn't on the trip, I hate travelling by coach and we have no children who would go on such a trip. Next...

2) POLIO - India says it’s eradicated polio. We did the same a generation ago, but are you someone who can remember the terrible disease? Maybe you even suffered from it yourself?: Fortunately no, and no. I had a vaccination when I was only a few years old and I still have my polio vaccination card here somewhere. Next...

3) BOXING BRAWL - The brawl between the two heavyweight boxers has been said to shame the sport of boxing. But hang on a minute, wasn’t your reaction : ‘I thought boxing was about being violent?’ : I've never been a fan of boxing, and frankly could not care less what these individuals get up to. Wrestling, now there's a sport! Next...

4) HUGGING - John Prescott regrets that he’s unable to hug his sons. Are you somebody who wished your dad had hugged you? : He did. Thankfully he was not John Prescott. Ewwww....

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - come on, it's Monday, what did you expect?

Today's show 15/02/12

Years ago, when I lived in England, I remember the furore that erupted when our county council made a load of staff redundant with huge severance payments on a Friday, and then re-employed them the following Monday. You have probably heard of similar cases, so how about discussing this on your programme one day? I'd listen to that! And here are some recent examples of similar behaviour by a public-funded body that you could use to highlight this practice:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/9083320/BBCs-redundancy-payouts-criticised-as-staff-get-old-jobs-back.html

BBC's redundancy payouts criticised as staff get old jobs back

The BBC has been criticised after spending £4million making staff redundant - only for nearly half of them to continue working as normal.
The money was paid to around 70 workers as compensation when the corporation revealed plans to relocate their posts north to Salford in the Midlands. But after accepting the redundancy money - reported to be £57,000 each, on average - it is understood that some 17 workers simply carried on in the same jobs.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2101282/Half-BBC-staff-pocketed-4m-pay-carried-working-job.html

Half of BBC staff who pocketed £4m pay-off carried on working in the same job

The BBC spent £4million laying off staff – only for nearly half of them to continue working as normal. The money was paid to around 70 workers as compensation because their posts were being relocated north to Salford. But after accepting the ‘redundancy’ money – £57,000 each, on average – about 17 of them simply carried on in the same jobs, it is understood.

So, I'll look forward to that. Any idea when you might talk about it?

Alternatively, you could have talked about this one:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-17038937

Supreme Court upholds BBC's refusal on Israel report

The UK Supreme Court has rejected an appeal against the BBC's refusal to publish a report into its coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. ... He had asked for the 2004 Balen Report to be disclosed under the Freedom of Information Act. However, the BBC argued that it was exempt from the Act with regard to information it held for the purposes of "journalism, art or literature". Mr Sugar, who died of cancer last year aged 61, had wanted to know whether the report supported his claim that the corporation was biased against Israel.

 

Ah, those pesky words crop up again: for the purposes of journalism, art or literature. I've come up against that particular barricade myself in connection with my FOI requests about your programme. Just remind me again, who is the publicly-funded BBC accountable to? And why does it keep sooooo much stuff secret?

You said on Ken's show earlier, "I was in the cafe this morning looking at the papers" and went on to claim that this was research. This, Jeremy, explains a lot. I am left to wonder which particular rag is at the top of the pile, although I feel sure it will be either the Daily Mail or The Guardian, and with the Daily Express at the bottom of the pile and never looked at.

And it was good to hear Ken question the validity of TV Licences. Now there is a topic worthy of discussion one day, as I have suggested many, many times before. But not today, of course, and instead we have this stuff which you think might possibly be of interest to me. Oh, how wrong you are...

1) ALCOHOL ABUSE - David Cameron wants more to be done to cut alcohol abuse in England. If you're a parent, how did you attempt to stop your teenager binge-drinking? : I don't drink alcohol. I don't live in England. I am not a parent. I do not have a teenager. How less relevant is it possible to be? Next...

2) BRITAIN'S MOST HONEST MAN? - The most honest man in Britain? A street cleaner finds a £21,000 Rolex watch and hands it in to the police : Slow news day, is it? Not mentioned by you on Ken's show, or on the BBC news web page, was the snippet of information that was included on R2's 08:00 news this morning, and that was that the finder gets to keep the watch if it is not claimed in a set number of days, so it will either go back to its owner or back to the finder. I shall remain puzzled why you think this news. Next...

3) SUDDEN SIGHT LOSS - We discuss sudden sight loss and meet a man who went blind overnight : Sounds terrible, in all sorts of ways. Next...

4) RANGERS - What's the future for Rangers as the iconic Scottish club enters administration? : I cannot find words to express how little I care about this.

 

Nothing for me again today then ... perhaps I need to artificially create some issues that affect me so that you can talk about them. Or perhaps not.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - no, football IS news, no really, it is!

Today's show 30/01/12

Monday morning, and I wait with keen anticipation to see what you have managed to drag out of the newspapers today to talk about. Are you really going to be discussing testing Koala bears today?

Today's issue that affects me: Our wheelie bin was emptied on time this morning without any fuss or mess. Are Gwynedd Council doing it wrong?

So, if you are struggling for news stories today, here are some suggestions:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1364809/BBC-cuts-costs-spending-200k-chauffeurs.html

How the BBC drives down costs... by spending £200,000 on chauffeurs

Mr Thompson, who receives a salary of around £600,000 a year, has a VW Phaeton car on call, according to the Daily Telegraph, at an annual cost of £67,000. A further £65,000 was spent on providing a chauffeur-driven car for Mr Thompson’s deputy Mark Byford, who received a pay-off worth almost £1milion after his redundancy was announced last year. Sir Michael Lyons, outgoing chairman of the BBC Trust, also had a Lexus on call at a cost of £65,000.

No? How about this one?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2012/01/27/bbc-news-gaffe-as-paedophile-picture-is-used-during-report-on-rbs-boss-stephen-hester-115875-23722822/

BBC News gaffe as paedophile picture is used during report on RBS boss Stephen Hester

The BBC was left red-faced yesterday after a picture of paedophile teacher Nigel Leat was mistakenly flashed up on screen during a news bulletin report on RBS boss Stephen Hester.
The female newsreader was talking about the controversial decision to hand Hester almost £1million in bonuses when Leat's police mugshot appeared on screen with the headline 'RBS BOSS BONUS'.

Still not tempted? Well, there is always this one...

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/298669/Backlash-as-BBC-s-500m-media-city-fails-to-help-North

BACKLASH AS BBC'S £500M MEDIA CITY FAILS TO HELP NORTH

THE BBC faced a licence-fee backlash last night from TV regions over its controversial £500million move to MediaCity in Salford.
A Commons motion has been tabled calling for licence-fee cash to be used to save television jobs in the Midlands after it emerged that viewers there pay 19 per cent of the levy but receive just three per cent of the funds in return in the form of jobs.
Birmingham broadcasting has been been cut heavily in the past seven years, with more than 6,000 jobs disappearing. Insiders fear other jobs could go as more programmes leave for the BBC’s new MediaCity base.

But, as well know, the BBC can do no wrong in your eyes, so we'll have to make do with the usual outrages du jour...

1) BONUSES - Would you like a politician to decide how much your bonus is? When Stephen Hester heard there was to be a parliamentary debate on his bonus, he turned it down : So multi-millionaire Ed Miliband has complained about multi-millionaire Hester's bonus, but multi-millionaire George Osbourne says that multi-millionaire Miliband was in the Cabinet when multi-millionaire Hester's bonus was discussed and agreed. With reports of over £300million wiped off RBS shares today as a result of this, I am left to wonder how multi-millionaire Miliband justifies his intervention in relation to the zero growth figures announced last week. For completeness, what we need is a millionaire radio personality to discuss this. Any idea who might be available? (http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23755244-fear-and-loathing-inside-the-bbc.do - half way down). It is interesting to read that Bob Crow's RMT members have also decided to turn down their bonus for working during the Olympics (http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-24031862-tube-workers-reject-pound-500-olympics-pay-offer.do) but for rather different reasons. Unfortunately, I do not qualify for any kind of bonus, and if I did the only person who would decide its size would be me. Next...

2) GETTING CHILDREN READING - Chris Evans has today launched his 500-word story competition. But before you get your child writing you’ve got to get them reading. We ask: how do you get your reluctant child to read books? : Children? What children? This is just a promotion for another BBC programme. Next...

3) CRIMINAL INJURIES COMPENSATION - Criminal Injuries Compensation will no longer be paid out to people convicted of crimes themselves, but what if they’d changed and become a better person in the meantime? Don’t they deserve compensation as much as anyone else? : I am not a criminal, and I am fortunate that I have not been injured as the result of a crime, so this has no relevance to me. Next...

4) PARKING - Listen up, men — women park better than you! It’s official according to a survey, but we put it to the test with Christine and Neil Hamilton : Honestly, is this the best you can do? What's that noise I can hear...? Oh, it's only your Sony Radio Award galloping off in to the sunset.

The Jeremy Vine Show - completely made up, because Ken Bruce said so (11:31 30/01/12)

Today's show 26/01/12

Well, yesterday was a momentous day, thanks to you. I received an email from the BBC Complaints Department telling me that I was now subject to the BBC's "expedited complaints handling process" for two years. Which was nice. Apparently I have submitted "dozens" of complaints (actually only 19 in the last year) and any future complaints will be, basically, ignored unless I can find enough hoops to jump through to make somebody take notice. What does this mean to me? Well, not much really. Not one of my complaints has changed anything, other than being recorded in the mythical being that is the Audience Log. Whooppee. I have been invited to appeal to the BBC Trust about their decision, which I will do with relish. Free speech - alive and well at the BBC, sometimes.

I'll admit that I did briefly consider last night just giving up and stopping my blog, but common sense has prevailed and it WILL continue. I remain comforted by the fact that if you Google "jeremy vine" followed by any subject you have discussed in the last year then my blog appears on usually the first or second pages. That's good enough for me, and good enough to continue. I wonder if the Daily Mail would be interested in my story.

Now, does that invitation you sent me on 17th March ("We'd love to meet you") still stand? With this raising of the stakes, I might just take you up on it. Game on Jeremy!

Meanwhile your programme continues to broadcast poorly-researched ill-informed biased misinformation in the name of "news", and today will probably be no different...

1) ASPIRATION - Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg wants to cut taxes for the poor and increase taxes for the rich. President Obama wants to do the same in America. Is this the politics of envy and class war? We speak to someone who says we all need to be aspirational : Ooohhh... another "someone" telling me what to think. If Clegg wants to cuts taxes for "the poor" (you make them sound like something from a Dickens-era workhouse) then good luck to him, and as somebody who has only a minimal income then it can only benefit me. Is there another "someone" in the studio who earns, say, around £500,000 a year that you could ask about this? Just asking. For a friend. Next...

2) PETER TATCHELL - In his time, the human rights activist Peter Tatchell exposed homosexual bishops, has taken on Robert Mugabe and was beaten up for fighting for gay rights in Russia. Has he now become a national treasure? : You mentioned on Ken's show that Tatchell is famous for "fighting oppression". Have you got any contact details for him as I have some oppression that needs fighting (see above). Do you think he would be interested in helping me? My prediction is that this will just turn into another of your fawning eulogies, and as I am not a fan of Mr Tatchell and what he does, I think I'll give it a miss, thanks. National treasure? Yeah, right. Next...

3) TEENAGERS - Would you let your teenage daughter sleep with her boyfriend under your roof? : I have never been a teenage daughter but I was a teenage son, and this happened to me once, many years ago. I bit of a "discussion" took place with my parents until I mentioned that it was not and never had been my intention for us to share a room. I resolved at the time that I would insist on my parents sleeping in separate rooms should they ever stay with me, but sadly that opportunity has never arisen. Anyway, I am 30-odd years away from being a teenager, and we have none of our own, so this item - as usual - has no relevance to me. Next...

4) REJECTED HONOURS - They’ve finally published the long list of people who have turned down a gong. If you were offered, would you decline a CBE, MBE or knighthood? : The Lunch Time Loather MBE. Sir Lunch Time Loather. Sounds good, doesn't it? Yeah, I'd be happy with either of those. Just one thing, who is the mysterious "They"? Is this a group of "someones" and "somebodys"? Or is it that just the font of all quality research, Wikipedia? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Declining_a_British_honour) Good, isn't it? Try looking up oil-fired central heating one day.

The Jeremy Vine Show - tell us what you think, unless you've been banned, of course

UPDATE: Surprise, surprise. The "teenagers" story was nicked from the Daily Mail: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2091807/Would-YOU-let-teenage-daughter-sleep-boyfriend-home.html

Today's show 24/01/12

14,000 and counting...

We live in interesting times, and while you were away I had an email from the BBC Complaints Department. It was in response to my complaint that you had spent too much time covering the Costa Concordia capsize, and in it they referred to me as a "viewer" and to your programme as "television output", so the message has to be taken with a certain amount of sceptisim. However, they did tell me: Factors such as how much national interest there is in the subject matter, whether it is news that has just come in and needs immediate coverage, and how unusual the story is will all play a part in deciding the level of coverage in programmes like Jeremy Vine.

So, how about discussing a story today that IS in the National Interest, needs immediate coverage and is unusual? I am, of course, referring to BBC Director General Mark Thompson's appearance at the Leveson Inquiry yesterday. I have found two reports that I can link to (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-16677720 and http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/leveson-inquiry/9033324/Leveson-Inquiry-BBC-spent-300000-on-private-detectives-says-Mark-Thompson.html). The BBC page includes a short video in which Mr Thompson shows his inability to string a coherent sentence together...
The thinking was, errr, we, we, I, I took the decision to, ummm, with colleagues, erm, erm, and, errr, erm, after discussions with the, with the Chairman of the BBC Trust to, to do a review, ummm, because the BBC is, is the biggest journalastic organisation in this country, ummm, ummm, evidence had come to light, errr, of, ummm, this practice being used by other, ummm, errr, organisations, at least one other organisation, or individuals in that other organisation, and it, it seemed to me that, erm, that as part of the BBC's overall desire to assure the highest possible standards of its journalism it's appropriate to ask the question, errr, errr, errr, errr, is there any evidence, errr, errr, errr, that that, what, what, what we are told, errr, was happening at the News of The World has ever been done at the BBC.

Give that man a pay rise! Don't you love the way he went from "other organisations" to "at least one other organisation" and then to "individuals in that other organisation"? Make your mind up and get your facts right man!

Perhaps the BBC should get a new motto. How about "Nation, errr, shall speak, ummm, errr, peace, errr, unto, ummm, nation"?

While the BBC is under attack from all sides for all sorts of reasons, would you agree that this response hardly instills confidence in us - the TV Licence Poll Tax payers - that Thompson is worth every penny of his £675,000 salary (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/mediatechnologyandtelecoms/8438477/BBC-boss-Mark-Thompson-could-see-pay-cut-Lord-Patten-suggests.html) and the Best Man For The Job is in charge? No. of course you don't.

From the BBC news page:
The inquiry heard that between January 2005 and July 2011, the BBC spent £310,000 on 232 instances when private investigators were used - of which news accounted for 43 occasions, at a cost of £174,500, with the rest for TV programmes.

£310,000 of your listeners' money!?!?! Outrageous! Would you agree that this was, perhaps, a waste of money? No, of course you don't.

He (Thompson) added: "The BBC is not a business and it might well be that someone running a media business might take a different view from the view that I took as director general of the BBC.".

Not a business? Yeah, right.

Thompson said: "The BBC is a public service broadcaster. It is committed to be the most trusted, trustworthy source of news in the world and we want to maintain the highest possible standards in all matters, including matters relating to privacy."

Is this the same BBC that I listen to and watch every day? Or am I living in a parallel universe? The BBC promotes its own agenda and so is not a public service broadcaster. There is a big difference between committing to be the most trusted and actually meeting that commitment. The BBC is now squeezing the last bits of life out of a crumbling reputation earned many years ago. Would you agree with that? No, of course you don't.

Who cares what "the world" thinks? They don't pay for the BBC - we do! Millions of families throughout this land are compelled by law to pay a licence fee so that this buffoon and his cronies can receive millions of pounds a year to brainwash the population into believing their biased propaganda broadcast in the name of "news". Would you agree with that? No, of course you don't.

And what was that about privacy? That will be the same privacy that prevents me - a funder of the BBC - finding out how much your trips to India and Iceland cost, how many complaints were made about your programme, and how many other users you have blocked on Twitter. Pah!

National Interest: Check. Just come in: Check. Needs immediate coverage: Check. Unusual: Check.

And while this is going on, it has been revealed (http://tv-licensing.blogspot.com/2012/01/bbc-confirms-responsibility-for-heinous.html) by the BBC's own FOI Department that the BBC itself authorised the wording used in 3 million letters sent out last year to innocent citizens who happened to live at an address where no TV licence was registered. The wording used was "We want to ensure you have the information you may need before a hearing is set at your local court". Threaten them ... yeah, that'll work. Guilty until proved innocent!

National Interest: Check. Just come in: Check. Needs immediate coverage: Check. Unusual: Check.

So come on Jeremy, they tick all the boxes! It is time to ignore your "BBC Can Do No Wrong" rule and discuss these stories today. I'll listen!

Today's issue that affects me: Why should I renew my TV Licence? No, really, why should I? I wouldn't bother with writing to you every day if I was not paying for this rubbish!

And, as usual, you never fail to disappoint me...

1) DRUG MULES - Drugs smugglers will get lighter sentences if they've been exploited by others. We talk to someone who was jailed for being a drugs mule : Now, let me think ... no, I've never done this. You mentioned that you have "a woman" coming on the show to talk of her exploits. Perhaps she should just have said "No". Next...

2) BENEFITS ROW - A row has blown up over whether families on benefit are declared homeless if two older children have to share a bedroom. We look at the pros and cons of children sharing a room : Now, let me think ... no, I've never done this. And who voted for those Bishops in the House of Lords? And why do they have so much to say about benfits, yet remain strangely silent when something sordid and/or corrupt concerning the Church comes to light? Next...

3) MISSED DIAGNOSIS - A woman says she has been given eighteen months to live after doctors failed to diagnose her cancer on thirteen occasions. Find out more from Mail Online: All hail the Daily Mail! I have been the subject of a misdiagnosis but it was quickly identified and the correct treatment given. I went on to make a full recovery. I think you should use your celebrity status to promote this poor lady's campaign and I look forward to seeing this on her web site (www.helpruthie.co.uk) later. Go on Jeremy, just for once, MAKE A DIFFERENCE! Next...

4) COSTA CONCORDIA SURVIVOR - We speak (TO) Rose Metcalf, one of the British survivors of the Costa Concordia cruise ship disaster in Italy. Watch Rose talking to BBC Breakfast : Yay! The Costa Concordia appears for a FIFTH day. My valued blog reader Will will be pleased after a prediction that you would do five days on this story. With this amount of coverage, do you consider your Target Audience to be likely to partake of a cruise? If so, no wonder I find nothing of interest on your programme.

The Jeremy Vine Show - news, errr, ummm, views, erm, errr, and, and, errrr, live, ummm, guests

Today's show 20/01/12

Hi Paddy ... welcome back to the smelly armpit of Radio 2. Jeremy always claims to discuss the "issues that affect you", meaning me, so here is mine for today:

Today's issue that affects me: It looks like our mouse, or mice, is/are still around. The cats are on patrol and a humane trap has been set. What else can we do?

Of course, and like Jeremy, you will not be discussing the issue that affects me but you will instead fill two hours with some old tosh about something or other. Let's see what we have today then...

Except I can't because at 11:55 the web page has not been updated.

12:10, and still somebody there is not doing their job, but today's programme goes something like this...

1) SOMETHING ABOUT HOW PHONE HACKING VICTIMS SHOULD USE THEIR COMPENSATION MONEY : Is whatever your listeners decide today binding on the "celebrities" concerned? I thought not. You ask, "They've got thousands of pounds in 'compo', what should they do with it?". Why don't you get Prescott on the phone and ask him? Can I suggest that it is their business, and not yours, or mine? Jeremy earns over £500000 a year, so perhaps you should discuss what he does with that - I'd listen! This is all just pointless tittle tattle, although it gives you as a BBC servant another opportunity to follow the corporate mandate and attack Murdoch again. And here we go, at 12:06 you started the item with "Rupert Murdoch's empire ...". Click - I need listen no more. Really, can't you do any better than this? Next...

2) SOMETHING ABOUT TEENAGERS STARTING THEIR OWN BUSINESS : As I am not a teenager, I have no children and I already have my own business, I don't think I qualify for this discussion. Next...

3) SOMETHING ABOUT POISONING YOUR BOSS : I am a self-employed sole trader. I am my own boss and I have no employees. Surprisingly, I have never hated myself enough to do myself in. Next...

4) SOMETHING ABOUT OLD PHOTOGRAPHS AND KODAK : Photos on the radio ... brilliant! I have very few printed photos, and if I look across the room from where I type this I can see ... yes, there it is ... the one packet of prints that I have. However, I have many thousands of colour slides, and about half of those used Kodachrome 64. They are stored in boxes and, if I stretch, I can touch them from here. So, what was your point again?

Is there no real news today then? I think there is, and you could have discussed this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2088297/BBC-refuses-apologise-tasteless-Top-Gear-India-special.html

Defiant BBC refuses to apologise for 'tasteless' Top Gear India special that sparked a diplomatic row and complaints across the globe

Or this:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2088567/Huge-bonuses-grotesque-expenses-spendthrift-bosses-austerity-BBC.html

Huge bonuses, grotesque expenses and spendthrift bosses- so much for austerity at the BBC

Last May, the incoming chairman of the BBC Trust, Lord Patten, said he would ensure that senior managers did not receive bonuses or perks.  He had rightly described management pay at the Corporation as a ‘toxic issue’.
How, then, can we make sense of the revelation that last year the BBC paid bonuses amounting to £275,000 to four senior managers? One of them — Chris Kane, head of corporate real estate at the BBC — received a top-up of £155,000 in addition to his salary of £206,000.

The Jeremy Vine Show - still not talking about the BBC


13:45 and this lot has finally appeared...

NEWS INTERNATIONAL DAMAGES - Dozens of celebrities who are victims of phone hacking have been awarded thousands of pounds in damages by News International. What should they do with that money – keep it themselves because of the pain they suffered, give it to charity or put it towards the cost of the enquiry?

REVENGE - A man who took revenge on his boss by pouring toilet water into his drink has received a suspended sentence. What drives people to take revenge on their employer? Find out more in this article from the Mirror.

YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT - There are over a million young people unemployed. We hear from one of them who says he’s so demoralised, he finds it difficult to get out of bed until 3 in the afternoon. We talk to another who says if you can’t find a job, set up your own business.

KODAK - Kodak has filed for bankruptcy protection. Do you have a box of old discarded photographs hidden away in the back of a cupboard in the attic? We want you to go back and look at them and pull out the best.

Today's show 18/01/12

11:31 and I am listening to you on Ken's show and ... what's this? ... your web page has been updated. Well done! This means that I get this rubbish written before PMQs starts at 12, which I will watch with interest and in preference to your programme.

 

Talking of this rubbish, you will be interested to know that readership of my blog is growing nicely, with 125 unique visitors yesterday. Total visitors for the month 20th December to 18th January (including the ten days or so when you did not broadcast and I did not write) is 1531. Compare this with, say, the 1061 visitors for the whole of October and it is pretty clear that my readership is growing nicely. Again, I thank my readers for sparing their valuable time each day.

 

Going back to yesterday's programme... Interesting to see that The Daily Telegraph has removed the cyclist/copper video from their news page, and there has been some suggestions that the tape is not quite as current as they made out and may be up to a year old. But you wouldn't have checked this because you read it in the paper, and they are never wrong....!

 

So, no Leveson? No Miliband? No new London airport? No news? Apparently not...

 

1) COSTA CONCORDIA - Have you heard the tape of the Italian captain being told to return to his sinking ship? Do you feel any sympathy for him? We talk to someone who says he’s been made a scapegoat. Find out more in this article from the Telegraph : For the third day running..... Zzzzzzzzz. Have I heard the tape? No. Do I feel sympathy? No. But some poor misguided fool there thinks this will make good radio. And look: you have another mysterious "someone" on the show. Where do you get them from? How can I apply to be a "someone"? I'd love to be one so that I can come on your show and spout irrelevancies in the vain hope that somebody might believe what I am saying. You keep labouring the point that the cruise company appointed the captain and so they should take responsibility for his actions, but that could also relate to your beloved BBC. If (when!) you make a mistake who takes responsibility for your actions? You? Or the BBC? It was, of course, the BBC that appointed you. Next...

 

2) BIG ISSUE SELLER - A Romanian woman has been told she can receive housing benefit because she sells the Big Issue. Is selling the Big Issue a proper job? Find out more in this article from the Daily Mail : I have no idea, or interest as this story is from the Mail. I've just checked their web site and my nearest outlet for the Big Issue is in Birmingham, which is 120 miles away. Ask me one on capital cities of the world. Next...

 

3) MASSAGE - We discuss the primary school in Sheffield where children are encouraged to massage each other. The headmaster says it’s great for health and relaxation, but the parents don’t like it : No children, not a parent, don't live in Sheffield, don't need to listen. Next...

 

4) WIKIPEDIA - The owners of Wikipedia have shut it down for the day to protest against proposed anti-piracy laws in America that they claim will restrict its use. Are you someone whose life has been changed by Wikipedia? : No, my life has not been changed, but I do find it a useful tool. You asked on Ken's show "Are we too reliant on Wikipedia?". Perhaps you should use it more, because then you might have known that a Spitfire has only one seat and that the Germans did not have jets until the closing months of WW2. Just a thought. However, I can't help but think that today would be a good day to go to a pub quiz.

 

The Jeremy Vine Show - we don't do real news

Today's show 17/01/12

You know those Mondays when there is no news, and you scrabble around to find something to talk about? Next time that happens try this: http://www.vernoncoleman.com/closeddown.html.
I'd listen!

An early morning Tweet from you today gave us all a tantalising clue as to what you would be discussing today: Today's stories @BBCRadio2 in four words: Concordia. Cyclist. Yacht. Schoolgirl. See you at noon.

Apart from the glaring inaccuracy and the huge presumption in the last sentence, this tweet told me all I needed to know about what you would NOT be discussing on today's programme. There are two major news stories going on, but you have chosen to ignore both. Let me explain  what they are, and ask why that might be:

First story:
The Leveson Enquiry continues, and giving evidence yesterday was Daily Mirror editor Richard  Wallace. Mr Wallace has been at the Mirror for twenty years, and during this time they published those infamous mocked-up torture photos and used the services of a so-called investigator to undertake illegal activities more than any other newspaper or broadcaster. He admitted that he had not sacked anyone for illegal activity, although it appears that he knew such activity was occurring. It was, he admits, Wallace himself who presented the Ulrika Johnson/Sven story to then editor Piers Morgan but admitted that as he “can’t remember the circumstances” of how the story was obtained he cannot rule out it was hacked. More recently the Mirror, under Wallace’s editorial lead, destroyed the life of Chris Jefferies and paid a heavy financial price for doing so when they painted an innocent neighbour of a murder victim out to be the perpetrator. The Mirror was also fined £50,000 for contempt of court over their reporting of the Joanna Yeates murder case. But this is not of interest to you, is it? Could it be because the Trinity Mirror Group is not part of the Murdoch Empire, maybe? I dunno. You tell me.

Second story:
Ed Miliband is in the wars again, with 70% of Labour supporters say they do not have faith in his leadership (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087355/Further-blow-Ed-Miliband-70-followers-say-dont-believe-him.html). Ed Balls' amazing about turn on fiscal policy over the weekend is probably playing a major part in this. Joining in with the assault is UNITE general secretary Len McCluskey who has accused Miliband of "undermining his own leadership, disenfranchising the party's core support and leaving the country with all three main parties bent on using austerity to save capitalism." in The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/16/ed-miliband-leading-labour-destruction). Confusion between Ed and his brother continues, with Harriet Harman reported as referring to "David" on SkyTV earlier today, and even the BBC are not immune from this common mistake when they showed this caption at his key-note speech last week (see below). Imagine the furore if this had occurred to a Tory or LibDem leader ... you would be all over it. But this is not of interest to you, is it? Could it be because Ed Miliband is a BBC favourite and he will not be shown to be weak? I dunno. You tell me.

Today's issue that affects me: Potato masher: essential piece of kitchen equipment, or awkward to store and clean implement only as good as a fork?

11:50, here we go...

1) COSTA CONCORDIA - Was the Costa Concordia evacuated in an orderly fashion or was there panic, or a bit of both? These days, does anyone stick to ‘women and children first’? : I don't know. Like you, I wasn't there. However, and as one of the few people in the UK that the BBC has not asked for their opinion on this episode, I would be willing to give my non-expert, non-eyewitness, speculative, conjecturial, ill-informed and inaccurate assessment of what happened. My phone number is at the bottom of this email, please feel free to call. But then why would you want my opinion when you have so many other identical ones to choose from? Next...

2) CYCLISTS - We discuss the cyclist who went through a red light, refused to give his name to the policeman who stopped him and caught the whole incident on his helmet camera. Find out more in this article from the Telegraph : Arrogant cyclist meets incompetent copper. Is this what passes for news these days? You asked earlier on Twitter: Cyclist does the full Robin Day treatment on hapless policeman: but who are your sympathies with? My sympathies lie, as ever, with those listeners of yours who have no access to an "Off" switch and so have to endure this twaddle without choice. Next...

3) ROYAL YACHT - Does the Queen deserve a royal yacht for her diamond jubilee? Would you be prepared to help fund it? : No, would you? There is a certain amount of irony in all of this when you consider that "we" are being asked to fund a new boat for the richest woman in the world, don't you think? It came as no surprise to hear on R2's 5pm news last night that this project has the support of both Prince Charles and Princess Anne. After all, why wouldn't they support it? More interesting to me is another tweet from earlier today when Paul Blanchard wrote (re-tweeted by you) Just had to turn down an appearance on @theJeremyVine show today, as I have a prior client commitment. Gutted, it was about the royal yacht. So who is Paul Blanchard, and why is he an expert on the royal yacht? Is he a "someone"? A quick search in Google, and by matching some pictures, reveals his web site (http://www.paul-blanchard.info/) and his political leanings and life policies. He mentions that he used to be a member of York Council, but does not mention the circumstances surrounding his departure from that post (he was recently declared bankrupt - http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/4470911.Labour_crisis_as_Blanchard_quits/). How odd. So why do you think he would have been a good guest to talk on this topic? We have to remember too that it was your favourite Daily Mail that came up with the idea of a new boat last year (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2054869/Royal-Yacht-Britannia-Lets-restore-Britains-centuries-old-maritime-pride.html) which, for me, is a good enough reason not to listen in itself. Next...

4) CHILDREN'S LIES - And finally, when children lie… Is it a sign of creative intelligence, dysfunction or bad behaviour? : I used to get a clip round the ear or a slipper to my thighs if I lied. It never did me any harm, but we still have no children on which to experiment with this particular course of correction.

The Jeremy Vine Show - speculative, conjecturial, ill-informed and inaccurate - every day

Today's show 13/01/12

There was no early morning tweet from you today with the usual "today's show in four words". Could it be true that you don't know what you're talking about? Oh, hang on.... did you see what I did there? Tee hee.

Today's issue that affects me: Our 10-year-old washing machine is on the blink. It washes fine but does not do the high-speed spin at the end of the run, so everything comes out dripping wet. Repair, replace, or live with it until something else goes wrong?

It has been a while since I suggested some BBC-related stories for you to discuss. There have, of course, been plenty and your favourite rag the Daily Mail continues to be a good source for "what really happens at the BBC" stories. Here are some for you, so please feel free to discuss all or any of them - I promise I will listen if you do! And as the pigs prepare for take-off...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2085744/BBC-accused-trying-create-tier-licence-fee-outlining-pay-view-plan-catalogue.html

BBC wants to charge for iPlayer by extending archive and availability of programmes

The BBC has been accused of trying to bring in a 'two tier' licence fee after it was revealed the corporation is looking into a pay-per-view scheme for its vast archive. 
Under the controversial plan, viewers would pay a small, but yet to be disclosed, charge if they wanted to watch a BBC programme from its huge back catalogue.
The costly proposition has already been slammed, not least because the BBC already charges a £145.50 a year licence fee and so is funded by the taxpayer.
The BBC is hoping to the system will be in place within three years and already established by the time its Charter is renewed in 2016.

So, the BBC is claiming poverty - I wonder why. Surely there is no connection with this story:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2085829/Despite-spending-thousands-taxis-BBC-executive-claims-delivering-value-money.html

Expenses for BBC bosses rocket by 20% as a result of move to Salford

Executives face fresh accusations of profligacy after spending on rail fares shot up by 57 per cent, while its hotel bill surged by 70 per cent.
In the latest numbers covering a three-month period from April to June 2011, the combined expenses bill of the top 102 senior managers grew to £183,276.
The relentless shuttling of bosses between London and the North-West pushed the amount spent on rail fares to £47,358 over the three months, up from £29,846 in the same period of the previous year.

Are you going to move to Salford? What would you do if you were told your programme was moving? Your Radio 5 colleague Victoria Derbyshire seems to be having the best of both worlds:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2083432/BBCs-Victoria-Derbyshire-finds-grim-North-just-60-cent-shows-broadcast-Salford.html

It's too grim up North for BBC's Victoria Derbyshire: Just 60 per cent of her radio shows are broadcast from Salford

When BBC Radio 5 Live moved to Salford, she was quite happy to give her boss a hard time on air as to why he wasn’t ‘properly moving’ to the north.
But now Victoria Derbyshire is  herself facing questions about her enthusiasm for the project, after it emerged she has broadcast just 60 per cent of her shows from Salford since the move.
This has led to resentment from colleagues who feel she is being given special treatment.
They have also raised eyebrows at her flying to Manchester each day to do the show, although this is not paid for by the BBC.

As you know, I leave Radio 2 every day at 12 and head over to 6 Music for an hour of Lauren Laverne, followed by three hours of the magnificent Radcliffe & Maconie broadcast live from Salford, aka The Stan Ogden Plaza.

11:32, nothing on your show web page, and you are about to appear on Ken's show. Let's see what Ken has to say today...

I loved the bit about the hairdressers in Archway who abandon Radio 2 at 12, and your hope that today's show would appeal to them. From what I could make out, today's show in eight words is: English Schools, Dwarf Tossing, Saving Money and Purple Sprouting. Just a hunch, but I think they might just abandon you again today, like thousands and thousands of others. You see Jeremy, it is not just me that has this habit.

11:37, trail done, but still nothing on the web page...

11:51, and you have just tweeted: Today's show @BBCRadio2 in four words: Teachers. Dwarf. Money. Broccoli. - I wasn't far off then!

11:54, here we go...

1) TEACHERS - Parents should be able to go into classrooms to help schools root out and sack failing teachers, according to England's Education Secretary, Michael Gove. Is that a good idea? Find out more in this article from the Daily Mail : A story from the Daily Mail about schools in England. As I continue to live in Wales and still have no children, why do you think this would be of interest to me? Next...

2) DWARFS - We talk to a dwarf actor who was partly paralysed after he was picked up and thrown onto the pavement on a night out. Find out more in this article from the Daily Mail : Another story from the Daily Mail. Praise the Lord! This sounds awful, and it is interesting that the gentleman concerned has chosen to blame the England World Cup rugby team for the attack. There can only be one acceptable outcome: Ban Rugby. That'll fix it. Next...

3) SORTING OUT YOUR FINANCES - Martin Lewis says we should all take one day off a year to sort out our finances : We already follow Martin's advice, but find that a Sunday afternoon every few months will achieve exactly what he is proposing today. Next...

4) ALLOTMENT - We join Terry Walton on the official Jeremy Vine Show allotment : I shared exactly the same amount of devastation as Ken when I heard you talk earlier about Terry's Purple Sprouting, but I'm feeling OK about it now. Quality radio? I don't think so.

The Jeremy Vine Show - not for hairdressers in Archway today, or any other day

Today's show 19/12/11

Today's issue that affects me: I've just discovered that our washing machine is not spinning at the end of the wash cycle. Time to call a man, I think.

The Monday before Christmas, and you are lucky to be handed two "news" stories on a plate...

1) MARRIAGE TAX BREAKS - There’s a row over tax breaks for marriage. Nick Clegg has accused the Tories of wanting to take us back to the 1950s : Being married, you can probably guess my views on this. However, Nick Clegg is wrong with his 1950s analogy as the Married Man's Tax Allowance was only withdrawn in 2000, and I made use of it during the late 1980s. The odd thing is that neither Nick Clegg or the Tories are forcing anybody to get married and it remains the free choice of each couple, but I guess that you consider that the driving of another wedge in to the coalition is far more important. Next...

2) CHILDLESS AT CHRISTMAS - Amanda Patel says that being childless at Christmas hurts the most. Find out more in this article from the Daily Mail : God bless the Daily Mail! We have no children, so many thanks for giving us prior knowledge of our forthcoming painful Christmas. I'll Tweet you on Christmas Day to let you know just how bad it is. Or not. Next...

3) BUYING PRESENTS ONLINE - Did you think you’d save time by buying your Christmas presents online, only to end up spending hours queuing at the sorting office? : I work from home, and so it is very rare for me to miss a home delivery. And on the rare occasions that I have been to our local sorting office I have never seen a queue. Next...

4) KIM JONG-IL - Following the death of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, we give him the ‘This Is Your Life’ treatment : Another murdering dictator dies, the North Korean people are inconsolable, and apparently I am supposed to be interested. Sorry Jeremy, I'm not.

Well, that was quick. Good here, isn't it?

I'm still waiting for your suggestions for my Jeremy Vine Show 2011 Top 10 Highlights. I'd be grateful if you could let me have those in the next day or two as I would really like to compare it with my list!

The Jeremy Vine Show - no news is bad news