Today's show 13/06/11

I've just had a quick scan of today's "issues that affect me" and notice that, again, you have chosen to ignore the trials and tribulations of Her Majesty's Opposition. I'm no fan of the Dead Tree Press, but I know that you are, so you MUST have seen these stories.

On Friday the Daily Telegraph published documents written by Ed Balls that proved his contempt for Blair and his support for Brown in the form of Project Volvo. I was pleased to see that Volvo Cars UK were quick to comment on this (https://www.media.volvocars.com/uk/enhanced/en-uk/Media/Preview.aspx?mediaid=38690) and I applaud them for doing so. This is what they said:

Project Volvo - it just shows how out of touch senior politicians were.
Leaked documents labelled Project Volvo, revealed today, that outline a plot to unseat former Prime Minister Tony Blair show just how out of touch with reality senior politicians within the previous government had become with modern Britain. The reason for the name 'Project Volvo', according to reports, relates to Mr Brown's apparent character traits of being 'dependable, robust but ultimately dour'.

Clearly before labelling the plot, Labour politicians of the time hadn't acquainted themselves with the Volvo brand in the last decade with cars like the new S60 and V60 bringing a new dimension to the brand in terms of design and driver appeal.
 
Peter Rask, Regional President of Volvo Car UK, Ireland and Iceland, said: "If only the Labour party had been like today's Volvos - dynamic, agile and innovative - perhaps the UK economy would have been in a better place than it finds itself today!"

Despite the Telegraph's revelations being of interest to me, you chose to ignore this story and continue to do so.

The weekend's papers were full of headlines attacking Ed Miliband...
The Sunday Times : Labour Big Beasts Maul Miliband - Ed Miliband is attacked by senior Labour figures as a Sunday Times poll shows supporters believe he should not be leader

The Independent : Ed Miliband still needs to define what he stands for

The Independent : David Miliband denies leadership plot (remember the old adage, never believe anything until it is denied)

The Independent : Miliband needs to find a voice fast if he wants to be heard

The Observer : Was Ed Miliband the right choice to lead Labour?

The Observer : Ed Miliband leadership crisis fuelled by claim of growing 'feud' with brother

Daily Mail : Look out Ed, he's behind you! As Labour feud bursts into the open, David denies he's plotting to oust faltering leader
I'm sure the other weekend rags covered the story too and it might have been of interest to me, but you chose to ignore this story and continue to do so.

Now, why would that be then Jeremy? Please tell me that is nothing to do with the well-known and ongoing BBC bias about such matters. Fortunately there are other outlets for those of us that may be interested in real news, but your programme continues to ignore it and instead concentrates on non-news twaddle. I wonder when Madonna last listened to your programme.

So, let's look at the "issues that affect me" that you have chosen to discuss today:

1) NHS REFORM PROPOSALS - As the Prime Minister announces changes to the government’s NHS proposals, we speak to someone who says the coalition has just destroyed the best chance the NHS has of reform. Jeremy speaks to Lembit Opik, former Lib Dem MP, and Christopher Hope, Whitehall Editor of the Daily Telegraph : Lembit Opik? What has he got to do with anything? Is he now another Rent-A-Gob like Galloway? He's only famous for one thing, and that is not being an MP. And what has Mr Hope got to do with this? Why are you not interviewing somebody from the Ministry of Health or from the NHS itself? Oh, I know... you're missing the point, as usual! You just said on Ken's show "... and it's only in England". The first sentence of your linked BBC news page says "An independent review of the planned NHS shake-up in England is expected to recommend significant changes.". England, not Wales. Therefore this is an issue that does not affect me. Next...

2) VACCINATIONS - Britain sends more vaccines to the third-world than any other country. Does that make you proud to be British? Jeremy talks to Lord Deben, Conservative Party politician : Does it make me proud? No, it doesn't. Does it make me ashamed? No, it doesn't. Once again I fall firmly in to the Not Bothered category, like the vast majority of your listeners I would suspect. I don't live in a third-world country (despite what some people think of Wales), and I do not need a vaccine, so on that basis this is an issue that does not affect me. Next...

11:40 and it's OK, I'll wait while your web page slave updates your page....

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

3) CUTTING ROAD SWEEPERS - The town of Faversham in Kent is cutting road sweepers to save money. Today we look at the joy that is road sweeping. Jeremy talks to Katie Alston, a local reporter, Councillor David Simmons, Deputy Mayor of Swale Borough Council, and Debbie Holland, co-owner of ‘Baldy Butchers’ in Faversham. Find out more in this article from the Mirror. : The Mirror? For God's sake Jeremy, please at least steal your stories from an actual newspaper. Can we look forward to "Find out more in this article from the Sun" one day? It's not happened yet to the best of my knowledge. Faversham ... that will be in England. For your information, and courtesy of Google Earth, I attach a picture of my "street". How many road sweepers should we be seeing here? We seem to manage fine with those we have, thank you. Unfortunately, this is yet another issue that does not affect me. Next...

4) SLOT MACHINES ADDICTS - Finally, as the government relaxes restrictions on slot machines, are you or your partner addicted to them? Jeremy talks to Lewis Constable, a student and former gambling addict. Find out more in this article from the Mirror : WHAT??? The Mirror AGAIN??? Can't you just tell its a Monday, eh? It is not that there is no news out there, but that you choose to ignore it because it doesn't meet somebody's (yours?) agenda. About 25 years ago I visited a Butlins holiday camp as a day visitor. While there I happened to spy a giant slot machine which probably stood 6 feet high and 4 feet wide. Up until that point I had never used a slot machine, so I thought I'd have a go on this one. I put in my 5p and pulled the handle. The reels spun, and I won £2 in 5p coins. On the basis that my slot machine spending account is very much in profit I have not used one since. Again, this is an issue that does not affect me.

The Jeremy Vine Show : Conveniently ignoring the issues that affect you.

Today's show 10/06/11

I notice you have added a "Related Links" section to your web page today (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b011mqnc), which includes a link to Martin Lewis's web site. Could you add my blog to that section too, please? Thanks!

Following the revelations made by the Daily Telegraph today (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/8566983/Labour-coup-secret-letters-reveal-how-Ed-Balls-plotted-to-overthrow-Tony-Blair.html) I was expecting you to cover this story today. Mr Balls is, of course, a former studio guest of yours and it would have been interesting for you to have him there again today to discuss this topic. But no, you've gone for the easier option and ignored it. Typical. By Monday the "heat" will be off. Yet another nail in the coffin of radio journalism.

So go on then, tempt me to listen today...

 

1) UNEMPLOYMENT - The government will pay private companies to find jobs for the unemployed. But are you someone who's unemployed and doesn't want a job and is working hard doing voluntary work in the 'Big Society'? : In answer to your questions: I am not unemployed. I already have a job which I am very happy with. I am not doing voluntary work in the Big Society. I think that means that this story is of no possible interest to me, doesn't it? Next...

2) PRINCE PHILLIP - Prince Philip is ninety today. Despite his reputation for gaffs and being occasionally rude to foreigners, have we now grown to love him? : I think you need to find out how many times the letter L appears in his name. Is it one, or two? You don't seem to know. In answer to your question: Do I love him? No. Do I hate him? No. Do I have any feelings about him at all? Not really. He does what he does, and that's fine by me. Your programme always takes the superlative view, so your listeners always have to "love" or "hate" something. The middle ground, probably occupied by the vast majority, is always ignored. What we need is radio for people who couldn't care less! Next...

3) ENERGY PRICES WITH MARTIN LEWIS - Scottish Power have increased gas prices by nineteen per cent and other energy companies are set to follow suit. Martin Lewis is here to give advice on how to find the best deals. Have you found a way to beat high energy costs? : In answer to your question: Yes, we have! There is this lovely chap called Martin Lewis who runs a fantastic web site called Money Saving Expert that we check regularly to see where and how we can get the best possible deals on energy, savings, insurance, etc. Thanks to his advice we moved away from Scottish Power two months ago. The man is a National Treasure and has saved and gained us many hundreds of pounds over the years. We will be eternally grateful for all that he has done. The only fly in his otherwise perfect ointment is that he appears on your programme, and the first question I would ask him would be: "Jeremy Vine, why?". Anyway, we already take his advice, so I have no cause to listen today. Next...

 

4) EXPLODING GLASS TABLES - And finally, spontaneously exploding glass tables. Has this ever happened to you? : It is funny that you should cover this today because ......... No, it hasn't. We don't possess a glass table. Good to see that you are ending the week with some spectacular non-news twaddle. I guess that we should not be surprised.

 

So, 6 Music it is then.

Today's show 09/06/11

A lovely comment was left on my blog yesterday by Stonyground, who said: "Just a note to say that I generally agree with the posts here so closely that is is as if they are being written by another me from a parallel universe.". You see Jeremy, it is not just me!

I guess that today that you will be covering the top story published in the Daily Telegraph yesterday, as you didn't do so yesterday. The link is here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/8562690/BBC-staff-earning-60000-will-be-given-1000-pay-rise.html and it says:

BBC staff earning £60,000 will be given £1,000 pay rise
The BBC is to reject George Osborne's call for public sector pay restraint by offering 95 per cent of employees a pay rise – with some annual earnings increasing by more than £1,000.

A spokesman for the TaxPayers' Alliance said: "It's unfair that BBC staff who are on close to £60,000 a year will get a significant pay rise at a time when public sector pay is frozen. BBC bosses keep pleading poverty and this comes at a time when they should be looking for savings, not increasing spending."

The BBC said the pay offer, under which all staff earning less than £20,000 would receive a £400 pay rise, was "affordable and realistic".

Speaking privately, union officials said that they were surprised by the generosity of the BBC's offer, as they had expected the corporation to use the backdrop of programme of cuts to its on-screen budgets as justification for proposing a pay freeze, or at best a one per cent rise for only the lowest paid staff.

This sounds like a fine topic for discussion on your show and I would like to formally propose it as such. I feel sure that you will have no trouble in justifying these pay rises, and firmly silence anybody who disagrees with you. It is your listeners, the licence TAX payers, that pay you to fill the airwaves with propaganda, lies, deceit, conjecture and just plain rubbish, so go on, tell us again how good you are. You love it!

And you don't seem to have discussed my suggestion from a couple of months ago, the one about what happens when you don't buy a TV licence. This is probably because there is nothing to discuss, because nothing happens! I am, oh, so tempted not to buy another one.

Oh dear... A quick check reveals that you have not chosen to discuss this important topic, and instead we have more of the usual tedium:

1) ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY CONDEMNS COALITION - The Archbishop of Canterbury condemns the coalition government and says nobody voted for these policies which are hitting the poor hardest. Is he right to speak out? : There is an old saying amongst clubs, societies, on-line egroups and forums, and the like: Don't talk about religion and politics. Well, you appear to be doing both. I expect nothing less than for the Archbishop to be your studio guest today, so could you ask him when we voted for:
 - the abolishment the 10p National Insurance band
 - pumping £billions in to propping up ailing banks
 - the Iraq war
 - involvement in Afghanistan
All of these occasions seem to have slipped my mind, but were all carried out by That Other Lot that the BBC continue to support in every way they can. I didn't vote for him so it will be a hot day in heaven when I take any notice of what the Archbishop of Canterbury has to say. This is just another opportune excuse for more of the usual and boring blatant bashing of the government by the BBC and is totally in keeping with the corporate line, so well done and have a pay rise! Oh, you already have. Next...

2) SYRIA CRISIS - People in Syria are terrified their government's about to brutally crack down on the demonstrators demanding freedom : Sounds horrible, but what difference will your discussion today make? Square root of nothing, I would suggest. Next...

3) SOUTHERN CROSS JOB CUTS - As the care home company Southern Cross sacks 3,000 staff, are you concerned that your relative is not going to get the care that they need? : According to the linked BBC web page "Southern Cross ... has announced proposals to cut 3,000 jobs out of its workforce of 44,000 staff". The important word is there is "proposals", i.e. they have not done it yet, but your web page today says they have been sacked already - "Southern Cross sacks 3,000 staff". So, the BBC is lieing to us again today - no change there then. Going back to the Telegraph's BBC pay rise story above, it was interesting to read that the BBC's strategy when short of cash is to cut services, not staff, but Southern Cross are proposing the exact opposite. From the Telegraph: "Mark Thompson, the Director-General, is considering a range of savings, including scrapping BBC Two's daytime schedule, cutting overnight programming and sharing some content between local radio stations.". As Southern Cross's philosophy is so different to your employer's is that why you are attacking them today? Fortunately, I don't have any relatives in care, so this is of no interest to me. Next...

4) SANDWICH BOARDS - Finally, as Dominoes Pizza's are attacked for making their staff wear sandwich boards, we talk to somebody that says this is a new form of slavery. Find out more in this Lancashire Evening Post article : Aaaahhh... a non-news trivia story to end today's listener experience ... and free advertising for a major fast-food retailer too. Bless. Since when did "Domino's" have an "e" instead of an apostrophe in it?. And the apostrophe in "Pizza's" shouldn't be there. "We ask if being paid to wear a sandwich board is slavery", you just said on Ken's show. Wikipedia tells me: "Slavery is a system under which people are treated as property and are forced to work. Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to demand compensation". Hmmm... By definition then, if somebody is being paid they are not a slave. More lies. I've just checked Domino Pizza's web site for my nearest branch, and it is 30 miles away. I'll be sure to let you know if this ever becomes a problem around here.

The Jeremy Vine Show : First for lies, propaganda, bias and poor use of written English.

Today's show 08/06/11

How are you getting in with producing that new trail for your show? I'm sure that Galloway will jump at the chance to be involved as it involves his two favourite subjects: Talking rubbish, and being paid to talk rubbish.

 

Anyway, let's take a look at four good reasons to tune away from Radio 2 at 12:

 

1) PRISON SENTENCING REFORM SHELVED - Justice Secretary Ken Clarke is told by the Prime Minister that he's not going to get his policy of having sentencing reduced for people who plead guilty early : So, what is your angle on this? Is it the change of policy? Is it your perception of a government that cannot make up its mind? Or is it your fabrication of a rift between Cameron and Clark? I would guess probably all three, with the important first one taking the least precedence. I have no plans to go to prison so this cannot be of any interest to me today. Next...

 

2) BIRDWATCHING - Birdwatchers flock to Hartlepool to see a rare robin. What on earth is the attraction of birdwatching? : You know, the English language is a wonderful thing. It is full of nuances and short phrases that are so innocuous when looked at on their own, but that can change the whole meaning of a sentence when included, or excluded. You have included such a phrase today: "on earth". Had you asked the question as "What is the attraction of birdwatching?" then I would have expected you to have a serious discussion (Ha! - that'll be the day) about a hobby that provides hours of interest and satisfaction for many thousands of people. You could have heard all sorts of tales from birdwatchers as to why they do what they do, the travelling they do to see a particular species and the inevitable cost of it all, and in the process educated those of us who are not birdwatchers about a hobby that we may never have considered. But, that wasn't good enough, was it? You added the words "on earth" to change the meaning in to a question of incredulity. It now means "Why the hell would some idiot want to waste their time and money standing in a field to watch some bird half a mile away?". Congratulations! With two words you have summed up EXACTLY why I consider your broadcasts to be utterly worthless. This will turn your discussion in to "taking the piss out of birdwatchers" and I hope that they respond robustly to that. Unfortunately, you control the microphone fader so their chances of making their point will be minimal. On a personal level I could ask you this question: What on earth is the attraction of watching football? Twenty-odd blokes kicking a ball around, what possible interest could that have? Beats me! However, the question that WILL ALWAYS go unanswered is, of course: What on earth is the attraction of the Jeremy Vine show? Next...

 

3) MEN WORKING IN NURSERIES - Following the conviction of the twenty year old nursery worker Paul Anthony Wilson, we talk to someone who's uncomfortable with men working in nurseries : Tragic though this is, have you forgotten the case of the female nursery worker in Plymouth who was convicted of similar crimes? See http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article6471327.ece if it has slipped your mind. Perhaps the mysterious "someone" would like to see all adults banned from working in nurseries. The Jeremy Vine show: all you ever need to know about paedophiles. Next...

4) HAIR TRANSPLANTS - Finally, Wayne Rooney has been very open about his hair transplant. Are you somebody who went bald in your twenties? How did you explain your hair transplant when you walked into the office? : Finally, some more of the serious non-news for which your programme is so well known. OK, in answer to you questions: Wayne who? Yes, and I started going bald at 18. What hair transplant? I don't remember having one. And what office? Why on earth do you assume that anybody who has had a hair transplant must work in an office? Does Rooney work in an office? No. Who on earth writes these questions? Why on earth do you employ them? Why on earth can't they write an unbiased question? Why on earth are you on Radio 2 every day? Why on earth is your programme completely pointless? Why on earth do you refute or ignore criticism of what you do? Why on earth do you rely on the Daily Mail so much? Why on earth do you refuse to get involved instead of just talking? Where on earth is Howard Schultz when your listeners need him so much?

 

Why on earth will I be listening to 6 Music from 12? Because why on earth would I want to listen to you?.

Today's show 07/06/11

I have heard a new trail for your show on Radio 2. Let's take a look at what it says...

Voice-Over Lady: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that affect you" : No you don't. Not once since you started on the programme have you ever discussed an issue that affects me enough that I would have cause to listen.

JV: "So what exactly is AV and what are the arguments for and against it?" : Ah, AV, I remember it well. I voted "No" with "Yes" as my second preferred option. Oh, and this was a month ago, and "No" won. The relevance of this is what, exactly?

VOL: "With your views and experiences" : To the best of my knowledge, not once have you ever expressed any of my views or experiences in your programme, despite me emailing you practically every day with precisely that information.

I love this bit....

JV: "And Amanda Broomhall joins us from Swindon. Hi there!"
AB: "Hello!"
JV: "So you're pregnant now with your sixth?"
AB: "That's right"
JV: "Have you ever been caught by a speed camera and got somebody else to take the points for you? Experts are warning that people don't know how to care for their rabbits".

That is a bit disrespectful to her previous five children, but when exactly were you expecting her to have been caught by a speed camera? While giving birth perhaps?

VOL: "Jeremy Vine" : With questions like that, could it be anybody else?

JV: "Just had a development - they have just flown a plane over Scotland through the area with the high ash concentration to show there is no danger from it" : And about time too. Thank goodness, we can all sleep soundly tonight with that news.

VOL: "Weekdays from mid-day" : Aha! This bit is actually true.

Who comes up with this rubbish?

Of course, I could not resist the temptation to do my own version...

VOL: "Jeremy Vine, discussing the issues that might have affected somebody, somewhere in the last 25 years"
JV: "So what exactly is oil-fired central heating and how do you steal your neighbour's oil?"
VOL: "With views and experiences that coincide with Jeremy's and the BBC's but nobody else's"
JV: "And non-entity and former MP George Galloway joins us from somewhere in East London. Hi there!"
GG: "How much are you paying me?"
JV: "Breast milk ice cream, would you eat it?"
GG: "If it was good enough for Saddam Hussein it is good enough for me"
JV: "What is the oldest thing in your freezer? Experts are warning that that this programme is rubbish".
VOL: "Jeremy Vine"
JV: "Just had a development - the I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog has passed 3100 page views"
VOL: "Weekdays from 3am"

Moving on, let's look at today's pointless topics...

1) COUNTER-TERRORISM - The government will spend more money on trying to spot future terrorists in prisons, universities and even the doctor's surgery : Well, I'm not planning to go to prison, or university, and blessed with good health I rarely visit my doctor. However, next time I go there I will keep a good look out for anybody who might be a government spy. Perhaps it was that shady looking bloke in the dark glasses that I saw last time I was there. Or was he just a tourist? I'll ask him if he's still there next time I go. Next...

2) BUS ACCIDENTS - A bus passenger in Birmingham died after falling over when the driver braked sharply. We discuss accidents on buses caused by sudden stops and starts : First with the news again Jeremy! The relevant phrases from the BBC web page you link to are "when it stopped near the junction of Barlow Moor Road and Clyde Road in Didsbury on 18 April" and "... to be treated for serious injuries but developed complications and died on 25 May.". Didsbury? 18th April? 25th May? Tragic though this is, this was ages ago! Well, in news terms anyway. And I thought that Didsbury is in Manchester. No wonder I cannot find any mention of it on the Manchester Evening News web site, although I'll admit I didn't look that hard. I would expect nothing less than a flurry of callers regaling your listeners with such stories as "Well, in 1889, but great-great grandfather was kicked by a horse pulling a bus" and other such nonsense. As I suggested to Vanessa last week, how about discussing accidents in cars caused by sudden stops and starts? Oh yes, that's not newsworthy is it? Next...

3) PRIVATE UNIVERSITY - Top academics are opening a private university in London that will charge students up to £18,000 a year : Not sure why this appears three times on your web page today ... perhaps it is very, very, very important. Only time will tell if their scheme works, so what is there to discuss? Did you know that Lidl charge 49p for a pack of pre-packed beetroot, but Tesco sometimes charge over 60p for a similar item? Horses for courses Jeremy, horses for courses. Next...

 

4) CROSS-BORDER GARDENING - And is it right to carry out cross-border gardening if your neighbour's front lawn looks a shambles? : Also appearing three times today, but is this news? The answer to your question is, of course: Yes provided you have your neighbour's permission, otherwise No as it is trespass with the possibilty of criminal damage. So, other than having callers on air claiming "My neighbours garden is infested with Wildebeest", what is there to discuss?

 

Ahhh... 6 Music, that's better.

Today's show 06/06/11

Welcome back Jeremy! Great to have you back, last week was absolutely dire! Not that I listened, of course.

I'm busy busy today, so let's keep it brief...

1) CHILD SEXUALISATION - The government welcomes a report that's calling for shops to stop selling clothes which sexualise children. Jeremy talks to Dr Jan MacVarish; Research associate at the Centre for Health Services Studies at the University of Kent and Telegraph journalist Cristina Odone : We have no children, so I feel totally unable to form a judgement on this and therefore it is of no interest to me. However, it sounds like banning is being suggested, so little wonder that you are discussing it today! Next...

 

2) COUNCIL HOUSES - Should people earning one hundred thousand pounds a year be allowed to live in a council house? Jeremy talks to Grant Schapps; Minister for Housing and Paul Dimoldenberg; Leader of the Labour Group on Westminster City Council : And let us welcome back the Daily Mail in to the fold, and after it was ignored completely last week by the abominable Ms Feltz in favour of other Dead Tree Press Preservation Society members The Independent, The Guardian, Metro and The Daily Mirror (God help us, please!). I loved the comments on the Daily Mail page you link to, particularly the ones that start with "What a load of drivel", and "DM readers are living in a dreamworld", and could not have put it better myself. Anyway, I don't earn one hundred thousand pounds a year, I don't live in a council house and I certainly don't read the Daily Mail, so how can this possibily be of any interest to me? Next...

 

3) ADULT ACNE - After 1 we're joined by Radio 2 doctor Sarah Jarvis to discuss adult acne. Jeremy also talks to Zoe Fletcher who suffers from adult acne : Luckily, I don't. Next...

 

4) HYPNOSIS - And we look at when hypnosis goes wrong : Years ago, I used to know somebody that was hypnotised in a pub show one evening and behaved like a chicken. He told me afterwards that he remembered everything, was not hypnotised and the hypnotist was a fake. He then demonstrated his chicken mimicing again for the assembled throng to prove that he could do what he did anyway, hypnotised or not. Is this what you mean by hypnosis going wrong?

Today's show 03/06/11

Please join me in celebrating today as my I Hate The Jeremy Vine Show blog reached 3000 page views yesterday evening. Once again I thank my readers for taking valuable time out of their busy days to read my ramblings. You see Vanessa, it is not just me!

I haven't seen or heard anything about the Vanessa Feltz Campaign For Free Access To Supermarket Bins, so I can only assume that you decided not to take up my suggestion. To me, this means that you are just a talker, just like Jeremy. Have some clichés: Talk Is Cheap, and Actions Speak Louder Than Words. And the point of your programme is what, exactly?

So let's look at today's tedium...

1) A-S LEVEL MATHS ERROR - Pupils were baffled and upset by an A-S maths question that was literally impossible to answer. Are you still haunted by an exam question? : Hmmmm.... now let me think back to 35+ years ago. No, I honestly cannot remember anything about my exams at that time, and so I can only come to the conclusion that I am not haunted by an exam question. I'm sorry to fall outside of your target audience today, as usual. I'll tag this one as a Ridiculous Question on my blog. I do feel sorry for the students who have been affected by this cock-up though. Next...

2) WITNEY LIBRARY - David Cameron's constituency of Witney will be using volunteers to run its library. Is that another step towards the 'big society', or are we just kidding ourselves that just about anyone can be a librarian? Find out more in this Guardian article (daily readership 264,000, down 8.7% in the last year) : This is the second day running that you have stolen a story from The Guardian. Now, I know that the BBC has a well-deserved reputation for siding with The Guardian's viewpoints on life (see http://biased-bbc.blogspot.com/2011/06/guardianistas-of-world-unite.html, for example) but I have to point out that you are failing to maintain Jeremy's consistently low standards by nicking stuff from a Dead Tree Press broadsheet and not from the Daily Mail. However, I have to admit that my knowledge of The Guardian's outlook is not good as I honestly cannot remember having read a copy - ever - as my barber chooses not to buy it. What am I to do, eh? Anyway, I used to be a librarian when I was at school, and successfully got to grips with Filmolux, card indexing and the Dewey Decimal System, but that was 35+ years ago too. Not going well, is it? Next...

3) E.COLI - Eighteen people have now died from the E.coli outbreak, and a number have been ill from poisoning in this country. Are you now frightened of salad? : Aaahhh... good to see that you are fuelling the flames of paranoia and hysteria. Jeremy will be proud of you, especially if you base your ramblings on the usual inaccuracies and lies that this programme depends on. I have always been frightened of salad. When eating out my heart sinks if my plate appears in front of me half full of leaves. The reason is quite simple: It takes up valuable chip space. I'm sorry that some people are ill, but based on the 2009 figures (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10408417) since you started your lunchtime stint on Tuesday around 25 people ((2222 / 365) x 4) will have been killed on Britain's roads. But that happens every week, so fails to be detected by News Radar and is so classified as not newsworthy. You must be aware of old news business saying: If it bleeds, it leads (http://journalism.about.com/od/reporting/a/newsworthy.htm), unless it happens so often it is boring, apparently. Next...

4) TV TALENT SHOWS - Finally, did the bitter reality of TV talent shows break your child's heart? : I'll file this one under Ridiculous Question too. Just how many of your listeners do you think have children who have been involved in TV talent shows? Less than can be counted on one foot of a three-toed sloth, I would guess. You would have made this topic far more relevant had you omitted the TV requirement, but you know best, of course. We don't have any children, and I have never been in any kind of talent show, so this whole item is completely meaningless to me. Result!

 

As well as my blog passing 3000 views, there has been some more good news today: I was glad to hear on Zoe's show that today is your last day. And I have not listened to a single minute this week. Yay!

Today's show 02/06/11

How am I supposed to write this rubbish when nobody there can be bothered to update your web page? 11:55 and still only the merest hint of what you will be discussing today.

I'll come back in a bit....

<Goes away for 10 minutes>

 

Aha! 12:05 and somebody has got their act together, so let's see what tosh will tantalise your listeners today...

1) ASYLUM AMNESTY - A committee of MP's has accused the government of giving an amnesty to 160,000 asylum seekers. Vanessa talks to Keith Best; Chief Executive of the Medical Foundation for the Care of Victims of Torture and Sir Andrew Green; Chairman of the Migrationwatch think tank : I don't know enough about this topic to comment usefully, and I don't have the time to investigate it. On that basis, this topic is of no interest to me. Next...

2) BELL RINGERS - A pensioner was so outraged by the noise of church bells that he locked a group of bell ringers in the church. Find out more in this Guardian article (daily readership 264,000, down 8.7% in the last year) : Is this news? Jeremy will be proud of you for digging this one up! My nearest church with bells is about 4 miles away. They ring every Sunday morning, and probably at other times too. And guess what ... I can't hear them from where I live, so this is not a problem for me and consequently of no interest. Next...

 

3) OUTSOURCED IT - Birmingham City Council has outsourced around seventy IT jobs to India, while making people redundant in this country. The unions are fighting it, but others say if it saves taxpayers money, what's the problem? : I don't live in Birmingham, but I am sure that the residents of that fair city will make their opinions known, if only through the ballot box. Next...

 

4) OLYMPIC TICKETS - I didn't get my Olympic tickets. Vanessa talks to listeners Alan Curr, Tim Fuell and Richard Kirby. She also talks to Andy Swiss; BBC sports correspondent: I didn't get any Olympic tickets either, but that was probably because I didn't apply for any. No surprise that you have chosen to talk to Andy Swiss rather than somebody from the Olympics box office. After all, why would you want to get the real story from somebody who knows when you can just speak to one of your own people?

 

Right, back to work and 6 Music.

Today's show 01/06/11

Another day, another two hours of dull radio. Is it true that your producer's name is Phil Airtime?

1) CARE HOME ABUSE - Four people have been arrested following a Panorama investigation into care homes for special needs children. Have you had to remove your son or daughter from a care home? : Absolutely tragic, and for once this just goes to show that active journalism is not quite dead at the BBC despite many indications to the contrary, including this programme. However, by not having any children my answer to your question is "No". Next...

2) PREGNANT SMOKERS - A woman who smoked while she was pregnant claims she did so because it was good for the child. Were you ashamed to smoke while you were pregnant? Find out more in this Mirror article (daily readership 1,173,000, down 5.4% in the last year) : The Mirror? Has it got so bad that you have to stoop so low that the Daily Mirror is now a story source for your programme? Lord Reith will be turning in his grave today. I am not a woman, I don't smoke, and I am not pregnant, so how can this be of any possible interest to me? Next...

3) WASTE FOOD - A shop worker who took home waste food from Tesco has pleaded guilty to handling stolen goods. But if the food was going to be thrown away, where's the harm? : Ooohhh, please Miss, I know Miss.... because it is theft, and so against the law. Not much to discuss really, is there? Or are you going to do something about it? Now, here is a challenge for you Vanessa.... Ever since Jeremy started on his Radio 2 programme I have been challenging him to stop just talking and DO SOMETHING that makes a difference. So far he has ignored my suggestions and so he just goes on and on about all kinds of irrelevant stuff. My challenge to you is: MAKE A DIFFERENCE! If you feel that taking stuff out of supermarket bins should be allowed then start a campaign to get the law changed and/or supermarkets to allow it to happen. Use your well-known name in all of your publicity and you might just make a difference. Failure to announce this campaign on air today will only lead me to think that you actually couldn't care less and, like Jeremy, you are only there to talk. I guess that I won't be surprised. Next...

4) MOBILE PHONES - A World Health Organisation report says that mobile phones could be cause cancer. Do you refuse to use a mobile phone because you fear it will harm your health? Vanessa talks to listener Sarah Paine, Brian Stein; Group Chief Executive of Samworth Brothers and Chairman of the Radiation Research Trust, human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell and Roger Highfield, Editor of the New Scientist : In answer to your direct question: No, I do not. Do you? So who are these people you are talking to today? I can't find anything about Sarah Paine so assume she is just some random person that somebody there knows and who happens to have, or not have, a mobile phone. Where would you be without your researchers, eh? Samworth Brothers make Melton Mowbray pork pies, but I'm not sure that any link with cancer has been proved, unless you know different, or is this just an incidental plug for their products? As for Peter Tatchell, well let's just say that if he told me that today was Wednesday I wouldn't believe him. The evidence that I can find suggests that Tatchell is a fan of mobile phones (http://www.guardian.co.uk/global/2009/may/16/peter-tatchell-arrested-moscow-gay-rights-march, 4th paragraph) when it suits him in his never-ending quest for publicity. You will probably gather that I rank his contribution to your programme alongside those other Rent-A-Gobs Galloway and Monbiot, and so this is a very good reason not to listen to his inane ramblings today. As for Roger Highfield, well he seems to be sitting on the same fence as me (http://www.rogerhighfield.com/rant.php?id=24).

Are you proud of what you do? If so, why? Please go. Now. And take this programme's format with you back to the early hours where it will not trouble me as I am busy sleeping.

I'll be at 6 Music if you want me.

Today's show 31/05/11

Hi Vanessa!

Remember me? I'm the guy who dissects the stories (I hesitate to use the word "news" as it isn't really news, is it?) every day just to prove to myself and anybody who cares to read my blog (http://lunchtimeloather.blogspot.com/, and rapidly approaching 3000 page views) why the Jeremy Vine Show is completely pointless. One day, I hope, somebody from Radio 2 will say to themselves, "You know, he is right, this programme achieves nothing and does not belong on Radio 2, and certainly not in the middle of the day". Until that happens I will continue to criticise and ridicule the programme. However, I am known for my patience.

My recollection from last time that you stood in for Jeremy was that the show actually got worse. Had I not heard it with my own ears I would never have thought that to be possible. So let's see if you have any good reasons at all for me to continue listening to Radio 2 at 12 o'clock...

It is interesting that today you have chosen three stories from national newspapers, but not one from Jeremy's favourite member of The Dead Tree Press Preservation Society : The Daily Mail. The latest ABC circulation figures (http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=1&storycode=47114) make interesting reading, as they always do, as the slow and inexorable death of the printed press continues. One day they will all be gone, so you best steal as many stories as you can while they are still around. Jeremy has a slightly different way of finding stories, as he just looks in the Daily Mail and if nothing takes his fancy there a quick visit to the BBC News > England web page usually suffices to fill the show.

1) FIFA CORRUPTION ALLEGATIONS - The Fifa president Sepp Blatter insists his organisation is not in crisis amidst corruption allegations that the 2022 World Cup final was "bought" for Qatar and claims about a suitcase stuffed with cash : I think you are confusing me with someone who is interested in football. I played football when I was at school 30-odd years ago, and hated it. I have never been to a football match, and I am not aware of watching a whole match on TV. This is of absolutely no interest to me and is not a good start to today's show. Next...

2) NINETY-FIVE PER CENT MORTGAGE - As more young people expect to rent for longer, is a 95 per cent mortgage for first-time buyers the answer? Find out more in this Telegraph article (daily readership 640,000, down 6.4% in the last year) : I have no idea, and this story has absolutely no relevance to me at all. It's not looking good. Next...

3) WEEKLY BIN COLLECTIONS - Reports say that the government will give councils cash incentives to restore weekly bin collections. Find out more in this Independent article (daily readership 181,000, down 4% in the last year) : Here in Gwynedd we have a weekly bin collection that alternates between household waste and garden waste. We are provided with good quality bins in which to store rubbish between collections. Collections occur every Monday morning, including bank holidays, and it all works rather well for me. As you will appreciate, I am struggling to find any relevance to this story. Next...

4) ANTI-PAEDO SCHOOL UNIFORM - And a school in Glasgow has asked parents to dress their children in baggy clothes to deter paedophiles. Find out more in this Metro article : Now, I believe the Metro is that free newspaper that is handed out in large conurbations, but I'll be honest and say that I have no idea where I would get a copy from here in rural North Wales. Also, and being free, its circulation figures do not appear on the ABC report so we cannot gain any accurate insight in to just how popular it is. I do know that it is published by Associated Newspapers, who also publish the good old Daily Mail, and that probably says more about it than anything else. As for the story, well we don't have any children at that school in Glasgow so it is of no relevance to me.

So, Radio 2 loses another listener as I'm off to 6 Music.

More tomorrow!

Today's show 27/05/11

A sunny day here in North Wales today, but the outlook for the weekend is looking increasingly dismal.

Talking of dismal, let's look at today's offerings:

1) RATKO MLADIC - The former Bosnian Serb commander, Ratko Mladic, has been arrested on suspicion of war crimes, but is the UN partly culpable for some of the worst atrocities carried out in Bosnia? : It is good that they got him, and nice that it coincided with the visit of EU Foreign Policy chief Catherine Ashton to Belgrade to discuss Serbia's admission to the EU (http://www.sofiaecho.com/2011/05/25/1095210_eu-foreign-policy-chief-ashton-visiting-serbia-and-kosovo). Sceptics might say that that is more than a coincidence. Anyway, I've never been to Serbia, and have no plans to go. Next...

2) SHARON SHOESMITH - Sharon Shoesmith, the former head of social services in Haringey Council, has won her Court of Appeal battle over her sacking after the Baby P tragedy : Listening to your trail on Ken's show I was waiting for you to say "... and our studio guest is Ed Balls". Alas, those words never came. Next...

3) CAMPING - 'All the gear, but no idea.' What do first time campers need to know? : I last went camping in Scotland in 1979, so unfortunately I don't qualify as a first time camper. Next...

4) TERRY WALTON - We speak to Terry Walton on the official Jeremy Vine Show allotment: Ahhhh... sound effects gardening. Bless.

Today's show 26/05/11

My apologies for being a bit late today ... but a late egg and bacon breakfast was far too important and interrupted my usual routine.

Before we look at today's menu there are some other points of interest today...

Do you have any idea what the most important thing that happened in Wales yesterday might have been? Well, according to our 6:30 BBC TV news programme "Wales Today" it was that BBC Wales may be facing financial cutbacks. This was the LEAD ITEM on this prime time viewing programme. Nothing that happened here today was more important than the possibility (and it is only that) that some BBC Wales staff could be losing their jobs. See http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13541158 for more details. The number of times per week that Wales Today manages to report anything from North Wales can be counted on one foot of a three-toed sloth. Nothing north of Aberystwyth usually, and it is not known as "South Wales Today" around here for nothing. All a little incestuous, don't you think?

Going back to yesterday's show, and the discussion on volcanic ash, did you hear the 5pm news on Radio 2 yesterday evening? It featured an interview/recording of volcano expert Dr Clive Oppenheimer of Cambridge University giving his opinion of what could happen to an aircraft jet engine. He said, "The only problem with ash is that it can re-melt inside an engine which is obviously very bad news if you've got molten lava slopping around in an engine". This statement flies in the face of all other evidence of jet engine damage that has been disseminated to the UK public by the press and broadcasters, including the BBC. The ash does indeed melt when heated by the engine, and it then coats the turbine blades, inner surfaces and engine sensors with a glass-like coating, and so reducing the engine's efficiency and viability. There is also the potential for simple abrasion damage as the ash passes through the engine turbines and combustion chambers. I found Dr Oppenheimer's email address and challenged him about his statement and he quickly replied at some length, but opened with this sentence: "I am guilty of hyperbole talking about molten lava in an engine.". So, he made it up. Frankly, I am surprised that somebody of his standing should promote such misinformation. Frankly too, I am not surprised that the BBC grasped his comments with open arms as they attempted to increase the level of sensationalist and hysterical tosh that they are peddling to the public in the name of "fact".

Continuing on this theme, and according to the BBC this piece of complete b0ll0cks is what we should be believing, apparently: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8632572.stm. At 01:15 Mr Stansfield says "The hottest part of a jet engine gets to 1500 degrees", presumably Celsius and which I would consider to be reasonably accurate. However, in the demonstration he is clearly using an oxy-acetylene cutting torch, as used for cutting steel, and with his "let's give this a bit more oxygen" comment he raises the temperature to over 3000 degrees - double what he said happened in a jet engine.  Moving on, he then trains the gas torch flame on one of the dummy turbine blades, but he has failed to reproduce the behaviour of a jet engine as the blades shown are not rotating. This causes the turbine blade to become red hot. Never, never, never does the turbine blade in a jet engine become red hot. At only 1500 degrees there is simply insufficient temperature for this to happen. This is utter tosh from start to end.

Is it any wonder why I treat BBC "news" with such suspicion? I guess if you keep feeding the public rubbish then somebody, somewhere might start to believe it. In the meantime, we should all keep a lookout for jet aircraft dropping molten lava on us.

Right, on to today's stuff...

1) PARACHUTE REGIMENT CUTS - The Ministry of Defence wants to cut the special allowance that goes to members of the parachute regiment, if they're no longer parachuting : The misconception being put forward here is that the UK will have NO parachuting capability, yet the BBC news page that you link to says "... the SAS - of which more than 50% are Paras - parachuted in the Falklands, as well as more recently into Baghdad". I get paid for what I do, and not what I don't do. Next...

2) BALL GAMES - A fifteen year old who broke a neighbour's greenhouse with his ball, was pursued by police, a helicopter and thermal imaging equipment. Some say the police over-reacted, but have you been plagued by children playing ball games and not had it taken seriously by the police? : And bring on the Daily Mail! I can't think of a better place for publicising this catalogue of over-reactions. Next...

3) POLLUTED BEACHES - Many of Britain's beaches are still polluted by sewage. Have you ever been on a beach and been poisoned by sewage? : No, I haven't. I got some oil on my foot about 40 years ago, does that count? Next...

4) GOOSE ATTACK - Have you ever been attacked by a goose? A retired dentist is recovering with a broken leg after a goose attacked him on his quad bike : No, I haven't. So, let's get this straight... The goose was defending its territory after an incursion by a person on foot, so was provoked. The retired dentist (is that important?) decided that the quickest way to get away was to climb on to his quad bike, start the engine and drive off. Why this was quicker than running or walking briskly remains a mystery. The dentist then suffered a broken leg after crashing his quad bike in to a tree, which was due to his apparent inability to drive it. It sounds quite different now, doesn't it? Perhaps the headline should be: MAN DRIVES QUAD BIKE IN TO TREE, BREAKS LEG. Known for its (reasonably) accurate reporting, I can only assume that the goose shown in the Telegraph's photo is the actual one that attacked the dentist. I read that the geese are OK, but what about the tree? As for the dentist: I couldn't care less.

I see that you featured in an article in The Guardian on Tuesday: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/may/24/radio-review-jeremy-vine
I loved the first comment, and could not have put it better myself.

Today's show 25/05/11

I'm busy today serving the needs of my valued customers, so briefly...

 

1) RYANAIR - Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has condemned the caution of the Civil Aviation Authority in stopping him from flying his planes through the volcanic ash. Should he be allowed to fly if he wants to? Jeremy talks to Stephen Bath; Bath Travel : I have no idea but note that a lot of Ryanair flights in and out of Bremen today are cancelled, so it seems that his issues are not just with the UK CAA but the German equivalent too. I would love to hear you interview Mr O'Leary. I am a big fan of his and just love his interviewing style and the way he gives his interviewer grief. I would drop everything to listen to Jeremy Vine vs Michael O'Leary, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like he will be on your show today. Next...

 

2) A 'SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP'? - President Obama will today address Parliament in Westminster Hall and praise what he calls the 'special relationship' between Britain and America, which has now become the 'essential relationship'. Do you still believe in the 'special relationship'? : In response to your plea on Ken's show: I DON'T CARE! Next...

 

3) SCOTTISH SECTARINISM - As the Scottish Government contemplates a new law: Has sectarianism between the Protestant and the Catholic communities in Scotland become worse than sectarianism in Northern Ireland? : Is this another "My God is better than your God" argument? Religion, don't you just love it. Next...

4) FACELIFT COMPENSATION - And finally, the woman who got £6 million compensation for a facelift operation that went wrong. Some people are saying she didn't deserve a penny : Whatever....

 

Right, back to work, and 6 Music.

Today's show 24/05/11

Unusual, don't you think, for Tuesday to be a slow news day ... but it seems to be the case today:

1) VOLCANIC ASH CLOUD - As another Icelandic volcano spews out its ash, we get the latest on the grounded planes in Scotland and how the ash has turned daytime into night in Iceland itself : Unfortunate. File under "these things happen". Next...

2) PARENTS IN PYJAMAS - Head teachers in Middlesbrough have told parents not to drop off their children while still wearing pyjamas. Jeremy talks to Chris Wain; Headteacher of Pallister Park Primary school and BBC reporter Andy Bell : While I can understand you talking to the Headteacher (is that really just one word these days, and not Head Teacher?), the input from Mr Bell will probably be pointless. This seems to be the trend now with news reporting, in that rather than talking to the people involved or who know exactly what is going on, reporters now just talk to each other. I guess it is a cheap way of filling news bulletins, but only with opinion and conjecture rather than fact. It is odd too that you only chose to cover these happenings when they started happening in England, as it was FOUR YEARS AGO that similar dress behaviour was reported by the BBC in Northern Ireland (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/6735455.stm). Today then I will be awarding you "Only In England" and "Non-News Twaddle" stars for this item. Next...

3) SHALE GAS - America's found the answer to its energy needs – one hundred years worth of shale gas. We're now drilling for it too. But is it safe and environmentally friendly? : I had to laugh at this from your linked news page: "Some householders claim that shale gas leaking into their drinking supply causes tap water to ignite.". Yeah, right, of course it does. Shale gas that is "10,000 feet underground" percolates nearly two miles up through the earth's crust and then miraculously performs some kind of ion transfer process that allows it to pass through metal or plastic pipes holding water under pressure and burst in flames out of water taps with no source of ignition. Sorry Jeremy, this is complete rubbish but indicative of the standards of reporting in the UK today. Mr Harrabin could have given his piece some credibility by asking "How does this happen?" but he chose not to, so I can only assume that he has made it up. Anyway, I've just sent him an email asking for his explanation, and miraculously I've just had a reply! He tells me: "Many share your incredulity.". I challenged him again with: "So you made it up then? No facts, no news!", and his reply was "No that's silly". Well, doesn't that say it all! Sensationalism rules Harrabin's article and hard facts are somewhat lacking, and unfortunately I would expect you to take the same approach, so I see no point in listening. Next...

4) RYAN GIGGS - We're joined by Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming, who named Ryan Giggs in the Commons yesterday, as the footballer who allegedly had the affair with Imogen Thomas : Ryan Giggs? He's a professional footballer, I think, and not one of the prettiest. As for Imogen Thomas, perhaps she should have gone to SpecSavers. Zzzzzz.....

Today's show 23/05/11

A very wet and windy day here in North Wales today, so let's so what delights you have that might just take my mind off the weather...

1) PRIVACY LAWS - Many of today's newspapers say that privacy laws are a farce, as Twitter users circumvent the injunction over the identity of the footballer. However, we talk to three people who praise our privacy laws : Hmmm... "Many of today's newspapers" says it all. Newspapers, a.k.a. The Dead Tree Press ... who cares what they think? I know that I certainly do not, and I would not give one jot if they all vanished tomorrow. Hopefully, and in my life time, the newspaper as we currently have it will vanish from our lives, and so save the earth's resources in the process. As for the Twitter/privacy thing, well don't you think it strange how the “uncontrolled” Internet is applauded when used against established governments in other parts of the world, but is not when used for a far more trivial purposes here? I do. Next...

2) IRISH ANCESTRY - As Barack Obama arrives in Ireland, birthplace of his great, great, great, great, grandfather, do you know people who exaggerate their Irish ancestry? And why do people do it? : No, I don't know anybody who exaggerates their Irish ancestry, and I have no idea why they would do that. The only people I know with an Irish ancestry are Irish people. But that misses your point, doesn't it? Next...

3) CHRISTIAN GP REPRIMANDED - A doctor faces disciplinary action after allegedly preaching Christianity to one of his patients : Had I been under treatment by this particular GP and had objected to his line of conversation then I could have told him quite simply to "Shut up", or similar. Alternatively, I might have engaged him in an argument or discussion about the virtues of Christianity, and wasted a whole load of his time, and mine. Move along, nothing to see or talk about here. Next...

4) PET RABBITS - Finally, rabbits are Britain's third favourite pet. Why would anybody keep, what Woody Allen describes as a 'rodent', as a pet? : Errr... because they can? It goes to show that Woody Allen knows nothing too, as rabbits are not rodents, and I've never liked his films. A similar question could be: Why would anybody want to listen to, what the LunchTimeLoather blogger describes as 'rubbish', the Jeremy Vine Show? People, eh? Will we ever understand them?

Guess what ... it is still raining.

Today's show 20/05/11

Anything of interest today? Let's take a look...

1) SIR FRED GOODWIN - Part of the injunction against Sir Fred Goodwin has been lifted, following the speech by Lord Stoneham in parliament yesterday. He claimed this is not 'tittle tattle', the public have a right to know, because as the head of one of Britain's biggest banks that subsequently collapsed, the affair with another employee, would have affected his ability to do his job. However, we talk to someone who says having an affair has no effect on your ability to do your job and it's none of our business : As a self-employed sole-trader I am struggling to think of who I could have an affair with as I don't seem to have any employees. The construction of that second sentence is dreadful, with too many commas. I think it should read "He claimed this is not 'tittle tattle' and the public have a right to know because, as the head of one of Britain's biggest banks that subsequently collapsed, the affair with another employee would have affected his ability to do his job" and even then there is scope for further improvement. So whose business is an affair? Mine? Well, I would have to overcome my complete lack of interest first. The Meeja? No, but they will make it their business anyway. Next...

2) AN EYE FOR AN EYE - A woman in Iran who was blinded by a man in an acid attack after turning down his offer of marriage, demanded her right for justice and retribution under Muslim Sharia Law, by having the state blind her attacker with acid. Dominic Lawson says "What's wrong with 'an eye for an eye' and the punishment fitting the crime?" : A tragic story, but should I know who Dominic Lawson is? Hang on... <Googles "Dominic Lawson">. Oh, he's a Dead Tree Press journalist. In my mind this makes him a complete non-entity and his opinion is of no consequence or interest to me. Next...

3) IS THE BOOK SHOP DEAD? - The book shop Waterstone's is up for sale and now twice as many people are choosing electronic books over the traditional hardback, on the internet retailer Amazon. We talk to someone who says the book shop will never die : I've just checked the Waterstone's web site and have found that my nearest store is about 50 miles away. I'm not sure I have ever been in one, to be honest. I *love* books and have a large library of my favourites. Fortunately we have an excellent book shop in a nearby town and they can - and do - obtain anything that I want, and ebay and Amazon have a role to play in my book purchasing too. Being of a somewhat specialist nature most (all?) of the books I would want have never been and will probably never be published in an electronic format. Oh, and the comma in the first sentence is not needed and could cause misinterpretation. Not deliberate, was it? Next...

4) SPEEDING IN SWINDON - In Swindon, in a pilot study, they're replacing speed camera's with traffic lights. So if you're speeding you'll come up against a red traffic light : Where Slough leads, Swindon follows. A similar scheme was used in Slough 40 years ago. A stretch of road had a 30mph limit (if I remember correctly) and there were traffic lights every 100 yards or so. If you did 30mph then you would get green lights all the way. Any faster then you would get a red light every time. I'm not sure how or why Swindon reckon this is a pilot scheme when it has been done before, but there you go, and Swindon is a long way from here.

That'll be a "No" then. I'm surprised you didn't use this story today: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13454160

UPDATE: Email received from JV: "We were tempted".

Today's show 19/05/11

It is a deligtful sunny day here in North Wales today, and following all of the recent rain we have had here perhaps I should go in to the garden and cut the grass. It could certainly do with it. Alternatively I might want to stay in and listen to your programme, so can you tempt me today?

 

1) KEN CLARKE - Ken Clarke, Justice Secretary got into trouble yesterday for suggesting that some types of rape are more serious than others. We talk to someone that says that the effect of rape on the victim is always devastating, and somebody else who says that Ken Clarke might just be right : I didn't hear Mr Clarke's interview on Radio 5, but we have all had occasions when we knew what we meant to say but we didn't say what we meant, including your good self. However, and according to the New Statesman, Mr Clarke appears to be safe in his post thanks to personal intervention by Ed Miliband (http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/the-staggers/2011/05/clarke-miliband-labour-policy), so that was a result for one of them at least. Fortunately I don't have any experience of rape, and I'm not sure that this is the kind of thing that I want - or need - to listen to today, thank you. Next...

 

2) CYCLE HELMETS - Should cycle helmets be made compulsory? Do they make a difference anyway, and if they were made compulsory would this stop people from cycling? : I don't own a bike and I haven't ridden one since the days when childrens' playground surfaces were made of good old-fashioned concrete. On that basis, I feel totally unqualified to answer your questions, and this whole item is of no interest to me. Next...

3) BRITAIN'S DROUGHT - Much of Britain is suffering from a drought. Some places have had only 10% of the usual rainfall in the last two months. Are you somebody who's loving it or hating? : Is this a BBC-sponsored man-made global warming tosh discussion? I suspect it will turn in to one. I live in North Wales where we have our own micro-climate. Common perception is that "it always rains in Wales" but it is simply not true. It is a misconception generated by visitors to the area during the summer months of July and August when, it is true, it chucks it down most of the time. For example, last year we had a relatively dry April, May and June, but come 1st July the heavens opened and it didn't stop until towards the end of August. There were a few nice days, and only a few that caused us to think "Let's go to the beach", even though it is only a few miles away. This years seems to be going much the same way, but May has definitely been wetter and colder than last year. I remember the summer of 1976 well, but the UK has a much better water infrastructure now than it did then so comparisons are fairly meaningless. So, do I love it or hate it? Hmmm... I'll go for your as usual unpublished middle option of "Not Bothered". Next...

 

4) STEPHEN LAWRENCE - Two men will now face trial for the murder of Stephen Lawrence. As a result of his killing, many things in Britain have changed. For the better, or for the worse? : I have no idea, but I am sure that the judicial system will take its course. Again, this is not the kind of lunchtime listening I am looking for today.

 

Time to get my lawn mower out, I think.

Today's show 18/05/11

Remember your interview with Howard Schultz from Starbucks last week. How could we ever forget? There are pages and pages of stuff about it on the www, including http://s358852369.websitehome.co.uk/2011/05/16/how-can-anyone-actually-hate-starbucks/ ("Schultz did a good job of defending his company ... I was sufficiently impressed with Mr Schultz that I’ve ordered the book that he was plugging") and http://starbucksmarkdavid.com/2011/05/12/howard-schultz-on-bbc-radio/ ("Jeremy Vine's disrespectful and attacking interview skills left me thinking how rude and utterly uneducated he is on his interview subjects"). Anyway, after I had used iPlayer to listen to it I sent an email to the Starbucks press office and asked if they would pass on my thanks and congratulations to Mr Schultz for his fine performance. This morning I received a letter from them and enclosed with it was a pre-paid Starbucks store card, which was very kind of them and completely unexpected. I don't drink coffee, but my wife does and she loves Starbucks coffee so this will see good use on future visits to England. So, thanks to Starbucks for their generosity, and thanks to you for the opportunity to get something for nothing!

On to today's treats:

1) THE QUEEN PAYS HOMAGE TO THOSE WHO FOUGHT FOR IRISH INDEPENDENCE - It's the second day of the Queen's historic visit to Ireland. Yesterday, she paid homage to those who fought for Irish independence against the British. There will be more of the same today. Is there a danger she's having her nose rubbed in it? : I have no idea. She is doing her job, and like everybody else she has good days and bad days while at work. She'll get over it. I wonder if she likes Starbucks coffee...? Next...

2) FUSSY EATERS - One in five Brits have never even tried an olive. Are we a nation of fussy eaters? Are you a fussy eater who's ashamed of being fussy? : Is this news? I've never knowingly eaten an olive, but as one who thinks that salad served with a steak occupies valuable chip space I am no more fussy an eater than any vegetarian. I am picky with my food and I have most of the characteristics of a supertaster (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supertaster) and this can cause difficulties at times. Generally, the more ingredients in a meal the less likely I am to enjoy it. However, I am not ashamed of being fussy so this is of no interest to me. Next...

3) INFLATION VERSUS UNEMPLOYMENT - Inflation rises to 4.5% but unemployment is still lower than many feared. We debate what's worse, inflation versus unemployment : Blimey, that first sentence took some thinking about. Use of the word "expected" rather than "feared" would have made it clearer. I lived and worked through the rampant inflation of the 1970s and we have nothing like that at the moment, so frankly this all sounds a bit dull. Next...

4) THE FIRST FEW DAYS IN JAIL - And finally, Dominique Strauss-Kahn is incarcerated in the notorious Rikers prison in New York. If you've been to jail, how much of a shock were the first few days? : Can you guess? I haven't been to jail.

Today's show 17/05/11

Tuesday, and let's see what delights you have in store for your listeners today:

1) THE QUEEN'S FIRST VISIT TO THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND - The Queen starts an historic visit to Ireland today. Should she apologise for what some Irish Republicans still regard as seven hundred years of oppression by the English crown? : Oooohhh... a vote. Somewhere somebody is sweating over a keyboard as they write the Queen's "Hello, I'm here" speech...

Script Writer 1: Which one are you doing, the one with the apology, or the one without?

Script Writer 2: Oh, I don't know. Which would you prefer to do?

SW1: Well, we don't know yet if we have got to include the apology.

SW2: Hmmm... so the one without will need a bit of padding to fill the time.

SW1: You're right there.

SW2: OK... I'll do the one without the apology as I'm good at waffle.

SW1: Doh! I'll do the apology then. I'll put Radio 2 on so I can listen to Jeremy Vine.

SW2: How do you know he is talking about this today? His web page is never updated until 11:30 - at the earliest.

SW1: You're wrong there, updated by 10:45 today, and yes, he is. He will give me some idea of what to write.

SW2: Does he also get to decide which speech Her Maj will use?

SW1: Of course!

SW2: One of us is wasting our time today....

2) OVERSEAS AID PLEDGE CHALLENGED - In a letter that's been leaked to The Times, the Defence Secretary Liam Fox tells David Cameron that the government shouldn't enshrine in law a target to spend 0.7% of our national income on foreign aid : Mr Fox is entitled to his opinion, and to express it to the Prime Minister. Somehow I don't think that either of them will be listening to your programme today, so your discussion today will not change anything. Next...

3) HAS YOUR TEENAGER EVER DISCOVERED YOUR PORNOGRAPHY? - At one o'clock, has your teenage child discovered pornography in your bedroom and if so, did it have a detrimental effect? : Mmmm... lunchtime porn. And the point of this is what, exactly? We don't have a teenage child, so this is of no relevance to me. Next...

4) SURROGATE MOTHER OF SIX CHILDREN - And finally, we talk to a woman who's been a surrogate mother six times. She's pregnant again. Why does she do it? : I have no idea, or interest, but in a similar vein how about these suggestions:

 - And finally, we talk to a man who runs a radio phone-in about so-called news topics that are anything but news. He's on again today. Why does he do it?

Or

 - And finally, we talk to a man who emails a radio programme every day just to tell them why he won't be listening. He's done it again today. Why does he do it?

Perhaps the answer in all three cases is "Because I can".

Huey Morgan is sitting in for Lauren Laverne on 6 Music this week but I'm not a great fan of the music that he plays, so it will be CDs from 12 until 1pm.

UPDATE: Rent-a-Mouth George Galloway was used to fill air time in the first item today. I have no doubt his pearls of wisdom were as unique as ever.

Today's show 16/05/11

Another week, and can't you tell it is Monday...

1) SPEEDING POINTS - As Liberal Democrat Chris Huhne furiously denies he got his wife to take his speeding points — have you ever done that? Or done it for someone else? : I have never been stopped for speeding, so the answers to your questions are "No" and "No". There is some interesting stuff about this on Guido Fawkes's web site at http://order-order.com/2011/05/15/libdem-source-defends-huhne/ but I suspect that this is a bit too near the knuckle for the BBC, unless you are feeling brave today? Next...

2) IMF CHIEF ACCUSED OF RAPE - The French head of the IMF and socialist candidate for presidency is arrested in New York after allegedly trying to rape a chambermaid. Some in France are asking 'Was he set up?' : And presumably some in France are also saying "Good, they got him", while the vast majority will be saying "Who?". I had never even heard of Mr Strauss-Kahn until yesterday, and I'd bet that he has never heard of me, so let's keep it that way. I wonder if a French radio station is discussing Huhne's speeding points today. Somehow I think not. Next...

3) NHS REFORM - NHS reforms — time to put the brakes on, or do we need them more than ever? : The first sentence on your linked BBC news page tells me all I need to know: "David Cameron will try to rally support for planned changes to the NHS in England, in a speech to health staff.". The important words are, of course, "in England". England, not Wales where I live, or Scotland or Northern Ireland. So, I have no need to listen to this. Next...

4) HINDHEAD TUNNEL - A tunnel has been built under the Devil's Punchbowl beauty spot in South East England. It’s the longest in Britain and it was open to walkers at the weekend — is that how you spent your Sunday? : No, I didn't, but I have walked through a tunnel. The words "South East England" tell me that this is a story that just had to be covered by you today, but unfortunately it is a long, long way from here.